Posts Tagged ‘wonderful relationships’

Some Days versus Futuring in New Relationships

Sunday, January 31st, 2010

There is a TV commercial that talks about our some days…some day a new house, couch, bigger yard, or a tropical vacation. Things people want but maybe can’t yet afford. The message is that in order to get your some day…you must save for it.

We all have our some days; I know I’ve got mine. Our some days are things we want or dreams we have and know if we keep working toward have a very good chance of getting.

There’s another term which may seem similar to a some day but is dependent on another person; it’s called futuring. Typically we future when it comes to new relationships.

A woman may go on a first date have a good time then begins to future in her mind about the person she’s just met. Sometimes new dating partners encourage futuring by talking about people places and things they’ll do together. Because of this futuring women might assume these relationships are going to be long term.

So what do we do if we’re faced with a dating partner who futures with us? A good response might be—we’ll see how things go.

Our some days are not dependent on a new person we’ve just met. Futuring with a new person is based on their current level of interest. In the beginning their interest may be high but a new partner’s level of interest can change out of the blue.

Our some days—our plans—our goals—are all up to us. Futuring is dependent on another person. It’s great to be excited when meeting new dating partners as long as we don’t look any farther than the present. Our current hopes plans and dreams are equally exciting and they’re not dependent on anyone but us.

Choosers Don’t Need Babysitters

Tuesday, January 19th, 2010

I remember reading an online dating profile awhile back. The man said he was looking for a woman he didn’t have to baby-sit. He said the last woman he dated expected him to plan all their activities and pay for them. His take  was that all she had to do was show up. After reading what he wrote I thought, well, sure I’d want a dating partner who shared in the dating experience but then again I had to wonder what that particular woman’s view of dating this man would be.

Sometimes people we date want to make the plans. They want to pick the activity, place, time etc. They feel comfortable in the role of the planner. It could be that by doing so they don’t run as great a risk of the date being a flop. They are planning something they know they actually want to do. Women who spend time with male date planners might feel as if their suggestions fall on deaf ears. Maybe they think that since he asks them out it’s up to him to provide the itinerary. I can see where in some instances the man may feel as if he’s taking on the role of a babysitter but at the same time it’s easy to see why the woman settles into the role of a child. She wants to spend time with the man and knows it’s important to him to take part in activities he enjoys. Maybe she started out with great ideas and offered up a few suggestions only to have her ideas receive a lukewarm reception or worse yet, dismissed altogether. Maybe she thinks–if I want to keep seeing him I guess I’ll let him call the shots.

So the man gets frustrated and feels he’s being used. He figures there’s another partner out there who will help him out in the dating process so goes searching for another match. The woman he left is bewildered because she thought she was doing what he wanted by letting him make the plans.

Why do we lean toward giving control of our dating experiences to dating partners? Do we settle into this mode out of habit? Do men really want to make the plans or do they just  feel obligated to do so?

We’ve got to recondition the condition of our dating experiences. If we’re choosing who we date then we should also be fully participating when it comes to selecting the things we do on a date. How does another person get to know us if we let them do all the choosing for us? We learn a ton about their interests and level of competency in certain activities but we’ve got interests and competencies too; why not share them? If we feel shut down when offering up suggestions to a particular dating partner do we really want to date them? The dating relationship can only go so far if only one person is the chooser.

The Secret to Successful Relationships

Wednesday, December 9th, 2009

Have you ever been in a conversation where it was obvious the

other person couldn’t wait for you to finish talking in order to

say something? We all have I’m sure, and it’s not a great

feeling.

You see, relationships are like lengthy conversations. There is

a back-and-forth quality that needs to be there. If you focus

only on what’s in it for you rather than what you can

contribute, it’ll fall flat or end uncomfortably.

For any relationship to flourish and for personal growth to

occur for both parties, you need to put some effort into

understanding and meeting the other person’s wants and needs.

Often we hear what’s said, but we make sense of it from our own

subjective reality. For example, the phrase, “I’ll call you

soon,” may mean tomorrow for one person, but could mean sometime

in the next month for another. People interpret their

experiences differently and draw radically different conclusions

from the same set of circumstances. It’s for this reason that

misunderstandings and communication failures often spell doom

for developing relationships and resentments for established

ones.

Real success in life comes from the ability to understand

differing perceptions and from understanding and accepting that

others perceive the world differently than you do. It’s

important to learn how to decipher the other person’s code and

respond in kind.

First you need to be aware that not all people use the same

code. Then, you have to be interested in learning what the other

person’s code is. And finally, you’ll want to practice using

good communications skills – attentive listening, asking

questions and checking for clarification.

TAKE ACTION:

Think about the last time you got into a disagreement with

someone important to you. Did you feel heard? Were they (or

maybe you) busy trying to make a point, or were they actively

trying to listen to what you were saying?

Next time you catch yourself butting heads with someone, stop

trying to make your case. Make a point of pulling back and

actually hearing the other person’s point of view. Ask questions

to help you get clear, stay engaged and then take your turn to

share your point of view.

Stretching your understanding of different points of view is key

to improving communication, limiting conflict with others, and

building strong relationships. Limiting conflict with others

will give you more time for constructive interaction, enjoyable

relationships, and will decrease the stress in you life.

About the author:

Gary Jordan, Ph.D., has over 27 years of experience in clinical

psychology, behavioral assessment, individual development, and

coaching. He earned his doctorate in Clinical Psychology from

the California School of Professional Psychology – Berkeley.

He’s the co-founder of Vega Behavioral Consulting, Ltd., a

consulting firm that specializes in helping people discover

their true skills and talents. www.vrft.com