Posts Tagged ‘upset’

To Second Guess

Wednesday, October 12th, 2016

You’ve decided on a goal, something you want to do or be. You’re excited and have done your due diligence and are confident enough to move forward. Then something happens, you become discouraged and start to second guess yourself.

It could be something small like a look or gesture from someone else. It could be a little bigger like another person telling you your idea won’t work or that there are too many others who have tried and failed. It could be something bigger like a test failure or failure to get a job interview.

It could be something much bigger like a financial setback or denial of a loan or rejected by a school program or employer.

It could be anything.

Just because you have a setback doesn’t mean your original plan was fraught with errors and it definitely doesn’t mean you should give up. It just means that following the path you’ve chosen is challenging and hard work.

Now is where it gets interesting. It’s time to buckle down and problem solve. There are ways to solve the problem that is currently standing in your way. Think of at least five ways to solve it. Map it out. Talk it out. Get the opinion of someone you trust who won’t discourage you.

Don’t give up!

No Contact

Try the Lighter Side

Monday, September 22nd, 2014

It’s difficult  to smile when you really just want to cry but it helps heal your heart and mind if you do. Turning a tear into a smile can lift you and keep your spirit from breaking.

As hard as it is, if you are blue and down, find something to do that brings you joy. Read a book, watch a tv show you know makes you smile, call a friend, go to a movie, or play with your pet.  Remember that your child who loves you can’t wait to see your smile.

After you have a setback, suffer a loss, or receive bad news, do your best to allow time to pull through to the lighter side; let it happen.

No Contact

Our Best Teachers

Sunday, March 16th, 2014

The difficult people in our lives are some of our best teachers.

We don’t have to like them.

We surely don’t have to keep them around.

But upon their exit we will know we’ve learned.

Once they’re gone it’s up to us to remember the lessons we were taught so well that we never need a refresher course.

No Contact

Power Distribution in Relationships

Sunday, January 26th, 2014

When you’re in a relationship where the distribution of power is lopsided, the person with little or no power becomes even more powerless by silencing their own voice. You don’t intentionally stop talking. There is a freeze that happens. You have trouble gathering your thoughts and speaking up when in communication with the person you see as having more power than you. Remember–they have more power only because you have turned your power over to them. When trying to communicate  with a person you have given your power to: take a breath and gather your thoughts; make eye contact; say what you need to say; keep it brief. The more you speak up; the more confident you will be. People who are power mongers are not typically good listeners. They’ll look down, walk away, do something else, but not usually interested in listening to anyone other than themselves. Don’t chase after them to have a conversation. Chasing is like begging–begging for time and attention. As you speak up and reclaim your power you will decide if it is worth your time to communicate with this person. You are responsible for your life and the direction it will take. If you are not safe to have a conversation with the other person and reclaim your power please seek help. No Contact

On Being Angry

Monday, January 13th, 2014

Anyone can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.


No Contact

Self Soothing

Thursday, January 2nd, 2014

I used to spend a lot of time crying over men. I didn’t know the first thing about self soothing. I cried when I thought I’d done or said the wrong thing. Or he said or did something I felt wounded by. Or the relationship hit a bump or more than a bump and had fallen into a deep dark hole and was over. With these relationship upsets I did the two things I knew how to do:  become anxious and then cry.

I didn’t know how to calm my emotions without stirring them up into a frenzy first. I wasn’t aware that accepting my life even if it wasn’t what I wanted was healthier for me.

I have a vivid recollection of one of the last times I cried my head off over a man. Back in 2003 I sat in my car at a day park parking lot. The rain was pouring down on the car roof while I sat inside crying my eyes out. It was pathetic and deep down I knew it. I also knew that all the crying was hurting me rather than helping. The only benefit was that after crying in enough different relationship situations I realized I was wasting my time and energy.

I wasn’t a drinker, didn’t take drugs, gamble or have any of the usual addictive behaviors but was addicted nonetheless. I was addicted to suffering over relationships. I got enough out of bawling my head off that on a very basic level it worked. I got to feel self pity and relief when I’d finally cried myself out.  Yet crying isn’t a problem solving tactic in adulthood and it’s certainly not soothing. Whereas it’s a reflex for infants and small children when it comes to adult relationships it is a strong indicator of love addiction.

As adults we’re suppose to know that just because we want something doesn’t mean we’re going to get it or that just because we feel we’re deserving of a certain way of life, we’re going to have it in the here and now.

That’s when self soothing comes in handy.

Ways to Self Soothe

Listen to beautiful and soothing music

Have a special treat or meal. Eat it slowly savoring each bite.

Drink a warm drink like herbal tea.

Take a walk in a pretty area or go to a museum. Buy a flower or bouquet and put it where you’ll see it.

Take a bubble bath or pet your dog or cat. Put on a soft shirt or sink into a comfortable chair or bed.

Take in the smells around you–fry some bacon, bake bread, cookies, a cake. Smell coffee brewing. Light a scented candle.

If you look at relationship loss or single status as being part of your current life circumstances and guard against projecting what you wished you had you’ll be more accepting of your life in the here and now.

No Contact


Stress On the Brain

Saturday, September 21st, 2013

In the past I’ve written about relationship stress on the brain. Ongoing stress from any source causes overload on the brain. This link takes you to an article that focuses on brain stress topics:

How Your Brain Responds to Stress

Stress and Noise

Stress and Memory

Gender Responses to Stress

Impact of Stress Studies

No Contact

Brain Stress

Saturday, January 12th, 2013

In the past I’ve written about relationship stress on the brain. Ongoing stress from any source causes overload on the brain. This link takes you to an article that focuses on brain stress topics:

How Your Brain Responds to Stress

Stress and Noise

Stress and Memory

Gender Responses to Stress

Impact of Stress Studies


When Things Don’t Go Smoothly

Monday, January 7th, 2013

A few weeks back I had one of those weeks where as much as I wanted things to go smoothly they didn’t.

It started out on a Monday with a quest to get my fax working again but after what seemed like five hours on the phone with the utility company I knew no more than I had when I first got on the phone. Frustrating to say the least. Several weeks later my issue is resolved so I can reflect on it calmly, something I couldn’t do a few weeks back.

Sure it’s a pain when things go wrong but it’s more that it is  irritating and inconvenient, not catastrophic.  Deep down I knew that if I stuck with the issue my problem would eventually be resolved. In the short run life was a little more difficult but if I did my part it would get taken care of.

Looking back, I think it was a test. I was starting to feel like I was getting the hang of things in my new business so the time was ripe to throw in a kink and see how I responded. One thing I hadn’t expected to learn during my fax trouble is that there are great customer service representatives and those who should do something else for a living. I sincerely appreciate those who showed me kindness and followed through with their promise to help me take care of my problem.

The biggest lesson I learned–if at the end of the day I can say I did my best the irritations that come along are really just part of the journey. After all, even the smoothest road has a rut in it somewhere along the way.

Thriving In a Long Distance Relationship

Sunday, November 6th, 2011