Posts Tagged ‘support’

Where You Should Be & Door Knocking

Sunday, August 28th, 2016

No ContactHave you ever wondered if where you are is where you should be?

I mean, we can wonder about everything we do and the decisions we make as it relates to us and the truth is we’ll probably never know for sure if we’ve got it all exactly right. So if we weren’t where we are now, where else would we be? What would we do? Who would be in our lives? What would life look like?

We all have times when we question our direction. Yet if we are spiritual (and that is certainly different for everyone) have faith in that spirituality and are moving forward by living life in a way we feel good about, we’re most definitely on a positive path.

If I were homeless, with no means of support, no friends or family near by—I would have serious doubts about whether or not I was in the right place. In fact I’d make a point of doing whatever I could to change my situation by coming up with a plan and working on it daily.

There have been times in my life when I’ve faced setbacks and have struggled economically, emotionally, and spiritually. Each time has been frustrating primarily because I didn’t know for sure if the smart move was to stay on the current path or choose a different one.

Sometimes we are fearful or uncertain no matter what we do so the goal becomes to move forward daily day by gathering information setting goals and eventually getting our nerve up to knock on a few doors. We might get to the first one and it slams shut. That’s okay, we just try another one. If we get the same result we continue to try again and again and again.

Some decide it’s too discouraging so abandon knocking on any more doors. Others keep trudging on. Not giving up is the American way, right? Sure staying the course despite rejection builds character yet at some point it’s a good idea to step back and consider whether it’s possible we’re trying to open the wrong doors. (more…)

A Superpower – Embracing Your Fears

Saturday, July 30th, 2016

We all have fears and these fears can keep us from moving forward with our goals. Fear of failure, fear of the unknown, and fear of rejection are the big three and are actually intertwined.

Say you have fear of rejection. We all have it in life at one time or another whether it be when applying for a job, a promotion, making new friends, or in dating.

It can be daunting to set a goal in one of the above areas or in something else and then carry along with it the fear of being rejected.

One approach may be to deny this fear yet to deny it is to pretend it doesn’t exist and that can catapult you into major anxiety. On the other hand, if you embrace this fear you admit to yourself that the fear is real and develop a strategy to face it head on. Say you are applying for a new job and it is one you feel would be a perfect fit. Apply and put forth your best effort and see what happens. You may have great fear that you won’t get the job and that’s okay. Accept that you have this fear then apply for other jobs instead of hanging all your hopes on only one.

Maybe you want to put up an online dating profile. Do the same thing.

Prepare nice photos and a good profile.

Seek help to navigate dating if needed but move forward with it instead of allowing the fear of rejection to keep you on the sidelines.

In any new situation begin by accepting you. Be proud of you and your decision to put yourself out there. The ability to accept your fears and move forward is powerful and could in fact be considered a superpower.

You have no control over what others do and say or what actions they take or don’t take. Keep your focus on you and the actions you decide to take.

Instead of running from your fears nurture and feel compassion for the insecure parts of you because you can learn much from paying attention to them. When these fears  surface instead of discounting them accept their presence and embrace them. This will help you become more courageous in many areas of your life.

Encourage and support yourself because when you do you’ll be more likely to believe in your own potential to achieve your goals.

No Contact

Following My Dream Part Three

Wednesday, November 20th, 2013

Note: Today is the third of a three part post written by Shannon, a life long friend of mine. Her story is one I thought you would want to read about and be inspired by.

We all have dreams and want to follow those dreams wherever they take us but making changes in our lives can be tough especially when getting through daily life can often be a big challenge. I asked Shannon to share her story  so in this three part blog post she talks about her dream and how she went about achieving it.

Following My Dream Part Three

By Shannon H

How I Ended Up Living in Saudi Arabia

Almost all of my students were from Saudi Arabia, a country I knew nothing about and had never had any interest in. I knew that I needed to start job hunting but felt paralyzed. Not only had I never met anyone who had dropped their life and picked up to move over seas but doing it in their mid-fifties? My students all encouraged me to apply in Saudi Arabia but most of the jobs required 2 years of experience which I did not have. I decided to try Turkey, as I had made a good friend at the school who was from there, but after not having much luck I decided one day just to apply for jobs in Saudi Arabia because you just never know… Fifteen minutes after I made my call the phone rang. It was someone calling from Saudi about my resume.

I was hired the next day. My son was willing to move into my house to take care of it and everything else fell into place. Sure there were plenty of naysayers and people who worried and others who thought I was crazy. Luckily my family was supportive of me as my mother and daughter were both travelers and my son had recently moved to Uganda for a job. The others I just did not listen to. I was also fortunate to have had a long term best friend who was beginning a new journey of her own and together we forged ahead sharing our worries fears and dreams. (Thank you Penny)

I am now starting my third year teaching at the top University in Saudi Arabia and one of the top Universities in the Gulf and Middle East.  I have been to Uganda 3 times to visit my son, his new Ugandan wife and their baby. I have been to Bahrain and Istanbul as well as all over Saudi Arabia.

I find that it is not easy living in a different culture and I certainly have gotten frustrated and had my down days but I love experiencing the experience! I love living my dream and although my kids miss me (I see them in the summers)they have told me that they are proud of me for not letting fear stop me from following my dream and for taking on this new adventure while most other people my age are falling into complacency (to quote my daughter)

So if you’re reading this and you have a dream you’d like to pursue here are some things that kept me moving toward mine:

1.     Keep dreaming

2.     Start with taking small steps

3.     Be open to opportunities

4.     Don’t let fear stop you

5.     Find people who are supportive

No Contact

 

A New Relationship on the Heels of an Old One

Wednesday, April 17th, 2013

Sometimes people leave one relationship and before you know it, have entered a new one. Being barely out of one relationship and then sliding into a new one is a slippery slope to climb. It’s hard to be emotionally available for a new partner when there hasn’t been enough time to move past the old one.

Where is the breathing room? What happens to the time it takes to think and heal?

It may be uncomfortable to be without a partner but feeling your way along–alone for awhile is not a bad thing. It takes time patience and a willingness to face loss in order to heal. There isn’t a need to bring another person into the picture to help you through the process. A new relationship partner just adds another layer you’re not ready for. Any new person you meet may wonder why you even find it necessary to start something new so soon.

Healing happens over time. Rushing into new relationships postpones healing.

It doesn’t matter if the relationship left was the world’s worst—healing is still necessary.

It doesn’t matter if the relationship was loveless—there still needs to be time to understand why you were there.

Consider the time you spend without a relationship as an investment in you. Healing makes us stronger and wiser. We grow, develop, and learn from each person that comes into our lives. Friends and family can be of great help after a breakup. They can provide companionship and help you stabilize as you move forward on your own.

Whether the relationship you left lasted a month, six months, a year or ten, the time and effort you put into your healing will provide you with peace and well being down the road.

Support

Wednesday, February 6th, 2013

Spend less time with critical people and more time with those who love and support you.

Starting Point

Tuesday, February 5th, 2013

Arriving at one point is the starting point of another. –John Dewey

Resources for Survivors

Monday, January 21st, 2013

Abuse Survivors

Author: Dr Jeanne King PhD

Domestic Violence Help – The 5 Essential Resources for Domestic Abuse Survivors

Domestic violence help comes in all shapes and sizes. There is 
the crisis hot line to get you where you need to go ASAP. Then, 
there are the community domestic abuse support groups that
 assure you that “you are not alone.”

Your domestic violence shelter will give you all the resources 
for your immediate transition from the danger you live to safe 
housing. They may even have a domestic abuse legal advocate that 
will help you with your legal matters.

But what about your psychological care, who will tend to that?
 You can find a counselor or therapist with clinical background 
in domestic violence. Sometimes you may scratch your head 
wondering if you know more about domestic abuse than the 
therapist. Other times, you can hit the jackpot and find the
 professional health care provider that helps you usher yourself 
out of the darkness into the light.

Do you know the help you will want to secure in your quest to 
end domestic abuse? Do you know where you will find each piece
of the puzzle as you transition from being in an abusive
 relationship to reclaiming yourself and your life?

Far too often domestic violence survivors don’t really know what
 they need or where to find it when they need it most. The more 
homework you do up front, the better off you will be in the long run.

The following is intended to help you inventory your needs and
 prioritize your securing help in meeting these needs.

  1. Create an alliance with your local public abuse services for 
all immediate needs and steps to protect yourself from imminent
 danger.
  2. Familiarize yourself with your residential options before you 
jump out of the “nest.”
  3. Compile your personal documents and get your finances in 
order as best as can be done, even though you may not be
 accustomed to finance management.
  4. Secure information and resources to help you obtain any
 protective orders you believe necessary to minimize conflict and 
danger by your abusive partner, especially upon and after your 
departure.
  5. Engage a healthcare provider that is knowledgeable about the
 psychological, social and legal aspects of domestic abuse to 
help your navigate from the chaos to closure.

As in any journey, once you get your ducks in a row and line up 
your resources and soldiers, you will move from point A to point
 B more successfully. Your planning is key to your designing your 
exit and the outcome of your departure.

About the author:

For more information and help in your planning, see domestic
violence resources. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people
 recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse at home and in
court.

Copyright 2009

http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com/ebooks.php

Getting Burned & Life Lessons

Tuesday, December 4th, 2012

One time when my oldest son was two I was standing at the kitchen stove just starting dinner.  I turned the front burner on. My son came up to the stove and I told him “Hot don’t touch, it will hurt. No!”

He looked at me and said “Hot!”

I said “That’s right, hot!”

He looked at the burner then looked at me, looked at the burner, then looked at me again.  With no warning what-so-ever he firmly placed his hand right on it! In the same instant came his blood curdling scream and me picking him up. I dashed out of the kitchen him in my arms to take care of the burn repeating, “Hot, hot, I told you hot!”

Well, I may have told him hot but he didn’t understand hot until he felt hot on his hand! He definitely learned about hot after that incident. Fortunately the stove burner wasn’t on high or even medium heat but it was hot enough to burn his hand and as a result he never touched a stove burner again.

Lesson learned. Stove burners are hot. Place your hand on one and you’ll get burned.

For me, there have been situations in my life where it took more than one experience to learn a lesson. There have been times when despite red flags, warnings, and incidents where it was clear I needed to pay attention, I repeatedly didn’t learn.  Instead I wished and hoped and prayed things would work out.  I often ignored my gut instincts opting to second guess myself instead. So it went like this:

Lesson not learned. Repeat lesson.

Lesson not learned. Repeat lesson again…

I would rather confidently say, I know what is best for me

than after the fact say…

I was afraid that would happen!

Or

I’m not comfortable with that

rather than…

Oh, I guess it will be okay.

When we think about what we want, we really do know.

And if we really are unsure in a given situation then what we’re really saying is no.

How many times does it take to learn one life lesson?

As many times as we allow it to take.

There are some lessons we don’t want to repeat more than once because these lessons take a toll on us.

So the next time you come into contact with a hot burner and you’ve already felt the pain pay attention to the voice that tells you to turn your back and walk away.

 

Leaving a Bad Relationship

Thursday, October 11th, 2012

Nearly eight years ago I walked away from a bad relationship. I had been warming up to the idea of leaving for about a year. I kept thinking of reasons to stay. I’d see a ray of hope and latch on clinging to it for days until the ray dimmed and the down cycle began again. I waited through each bad cycle hoping again for another glimmer to emerge. These cycles were my lot inside this particular relationship and it took me a long time to realize that all my hoping was doing nothing more than keeping me stuck. I had to get through enough of the up and down cycles until I “got it.” Eventually I understood that the relationship was nothing more than a series of very short good cycles and much longer bad ones.

It’s hard to give up hope when you care for someone. It is painful to face the reality of what is clearly a losing proposition. We all need hope in our lives; it keeps us going and encourages us to move forward yet we’ve all got to face that staying in a bad relationship is a waste of precious time. The relationship I had was never going to bring me anything different than what I’d already experienced–why in the world would I want that?

I knew it would be better for me to stop the cycles cut my losses and walk away. Yet what prevented me from leaving was my dread of facing the end. I didn’t look forward to the misery I was sure would follow; I didn’t want to experience the emptiness I was certain would be mine to come. Looking back, it’s like I stepped on a bee got stung wished later I’d been wearing shoes but continued to walk around barefoot.

So even though my immediate thought was to keep things status quo in order to avoid pain I knew that long term suffering would have been the outcome of staying.

With the breakup came wisdom, courage, and hope. This hope wasn’t misplaced; it was hard-won. I learned that any relationship is not better than no relationship. I also learned that healthy relationships require paying attention in all aspects of life. It’s not hard to make good relationship choices but it does take knowing what you will and won’t accept and sticking with it.

You and the Cheater

Tuesday, July 24th, 2012

You already know you have a cheater in your life. The pain of discovery can be devastating but you know about the cheating and must face it.

You may have mixed feelings about what you’re going to do next.

You may take time away from the cheater to gather your thoughts and determine your course of action. You may leave the cheater immediately ending the partnership or relationship.

Whatever your decision is there are a few things you need to do quickly:

Accept that this happened.

Face the role  if any that you played.

Take care of yourself.

Really take care of yourself. Do what you need to do to make your life easier right now. The road ahead will be bumpy and it’s important that you are grounded and secure in who you are as a person. It will do no good to feel sorry for yourself day in and day out–that’s not what I mean. You need to eat healthy, get as much sleep as you can and be around people who support and nurture you.

Only when you feel better and stronger are you in a position to make the best decisions you can for you and your family if that’s part of the scenario.

Once you have made your decision approach the cheater and let him/her what you decide. If safety is a factor and it’s not safe to approach this person then don’t.

Run your course of action by someone you trust. If you feel you need to seek professional counseling do so.

Don’t cheat yourself by accepting the cheater back into your life without creating establishing and sticking to your boundaries. The cheater needs to know exactly where you stand. There is no guarantee that you will never have to deal with cheating again but you significantly increase the odds that you won’t by establishing clear boundaries.

Next: Avoiding Cheaters/Cheating in the Future