Posts Tagged ‘roller coaster’

Leaving Love Behind

Wednesday, April 4th, 2012

Some love is better left behind.

We don’t have to like it but we have to push ourselves out of a relationship if love has us in a holding pattern.

Not all relationships are meant for the long haul and the sooner we figure out if the one we’re in is one we should leave behind the sooner we’ll be able to move forward.

I was in a relationship where there was an underlying theme forever lurking underneath the surface. Sometimes I would pretend this theme wasn’t there–didn’t really exist–wasn’t as bad as I thought. I told myself the relationship was great except for this one thing and I knew if I could make this one thing go away the relationship would work.

My thinking was murky; my judgement cloudy. I kept filling my brain with reasons why I should stay when I heard that tiny voice deep within forever nudging me to go.

I didn’t want to listen and spent a good portion of three years trying to silence that voice by pointing out times when things were relatively free of drama.

Yet the drama always came back around–large doses of it followed by what I considered to be better more normal times.

It took a very long time for me to see that I was riding a roller-coaster.

I kept getting back on ready for the next go around hoping that somehow things would be different this time.

But things were not different. Sure, there may have been longer stretches of somewhat normal life but the down cycle would always pop up again ready to provide me with a jolt of reality.

Finally I woke up to the realization that this would continue to be my life as long as I stayed in the relationship. I finally understood that no one and nothing was going to change my partner who was an alcoholic. He would have to make that decision.

I also realized that no one but me was going to get me out of the situation I was in.

So I made the decision to get off the roller-coaster and leave love behind.

It was definitely not easy but it was life changing for the better.

When a relationship doesn’t work we want to fix it. We want to figure out how we can have a healthy relationship with this person who we love. The problem is WE can’t do this by ourselves.

Some relationships aren’t healthy for us for many different reasons. There may be violence, addictions, emotional detachment, unavailability, cultural differences, and more…

We need to get out of the holding pattern we’re in and move forward toward a better life.


Time & Focus to Make the Decision to Leave

Monday, July 26th, 2010

There are a couple of  reasons people might stay in destructive relationships.

One being time and the other being focus.

You might think you want out but don’t have time to focus on the decision.

When are you going to take the time? It will take a concerted effort to leave and with each day full of routines and challenges that need to be attended to it’s sometimes hard to fully focus on your decision.

Another possible hurdle is if your partner senses you are having serious doubts about continuing and suddenly becomes more in tune with you and the relationship. You might think, how can I possibly leave now? You decide to stay to see if there is hope for the future.  You hope for the opportunity to move toward a working relationship and in some cases  things work out.

Other times the hope dies and you’re back where you were before the new hope cycle emerged. How many more hopeful cycles will you enjoy? How many more down cycles will you endure?

Eventually you may see the hopeful cycles shorter and the down cycles longer. That may be a signal that if you continue to ride this up and down roller coaster your physical mental and emotional well being will be seriously  affected and  in order to create a healthy life for yourself will need to focus on leaving for good.

If you need time in order to focus:

  1. Decide if you’re ready.
  2. Talk your decision over with someone you trust.
  3. Take the time you need to feel confident about your decision.
  4. Seek counseling if it will help you decide what to do.

The time you take is an investment in your future.