Posts Tagged ‘relationship’

The Pretenders

Monday, July 17th, 2017

No ContactBeing a pretender is not who any of us want to be or set out with the intention to be yet sometimes we become one because we’re too afraid to face the consequences if we’re not.

I know what it’s like to be a pretender; I spent way too many years of my childhood and much of my adulthood being one. I like others didn’t want to be this way but became this way because to live fully and honestly in my own truth would have meant abuse or near certain abandonment.

As a child there isn’t a lot of choice unless there is a supportive person to listen and help. Otherwise kids will stumble through their growing up years and then figure out a way to make their way into adulthood. It is no easy road and is often filled with depression and despair.

As adults when in relationships, pretenders are very good at keeping the peace because they look the other way when faced with a situation which should call for confrontation. For a pretender, looking the other way when faced with abusive, amoral, unethical, or untruthful behavior is par for the course. Deep down they always know they have two choices. One, they can accept their partner’s behavior as is or two, they can stand up to their partner and tell them what they know to be the truth, how this makes them feel, and what their next action is going to be.

For a true pretender, the thought of confronting their partner is more than they want to deal with or are too afraid to for their health and safety and possibly that of their children. They also likely have an overwhelming fear of abandonment which makes leaving even an abusive situation terrifying. In any case, they have conditioned themselves to look the other way or throw a deaf ear to anything they know deep down is not right.

This is a big problem for the pretender because in the beginning of the relationship they believe their partner is the real deal–that this person is wholesome and honest, kind and considerate. It is only after enough time has gone by that the facade begins to slip and the relationship partner presents to be exactly who they really are. This is devastating because by this time they’re too far into the relationship and have developed a defining bond with and truly love their partner.

One thing I know to be true: None of us are going to pretend our way into a better life; it’s just not going to happen.

What we can do is: Stop participating and start showing up for ourselves. None of us are meant to just survive life and our relationships. We are truly meant to thrive.

If you or a loved one are in a destructive relationship please seek help. Domestic Abuse Hotline:
1-800-799-7233.

Define You Before a New Relationship

Monday, April 25th, 2016

Before finding a new relationship partner, get a good handle on who you are. If someone asks you who you are, what do you say? I’m a mom, a teacher, I live in Montana. If your answer is about what you do or where you live, you’re defining your role or function rather than who you are. Trying to figure out who you are while getting to know a new relationship partner, is the equivalent of attempting to climb Mt Everest wearing ballet slippers. http://bit.ly/26Itr

It doesn’t work! You spend lots of time backsliding while trying as hard as you can to climb up a slippery slope. You want to make an impression, want to appear self-confident but all the while you’re thinking about things you wished you had considered first rather than after the fact.

You’re not well equipped and may also realize quickly you’re in over your head.

If you’ve recently left a relationship, keep cool and calm and stay focused on you. You’ll be amazed at what you discover. Absolutely amazed, guaranteed. http://bit.ly/c4SUaH

No Contact

Relationship Power Distribution

Thursday, June 26th, 2014

When you’re in a relationship where the distribution of power is lopsided, the person with little or no power becomes even more powerless by silencing their own voice. You don’t intentionally stop talking. There is a freeze that happens. You have trouble gathering your thoughts and speaking up when in communication with the person you see as having more power than you. Remember–they have more power only because you have turned your power over to them. When trying to communicate  with a person you have given your power to: take a breath and gather your thoughts; make eye contact; say what you need to say; keep it brief. The more you speak up; the more confident you will be. People who are power mongers are not typically good listeners. They’ll look down, walk away, do something else, but not usually interested in listening to anyone other than themselves. Don’t chase after them to have a conversation. Chasing is like begging–begging for time and attention. As you speak up and reclaim your power you will decide if it is worth your time to communicate with this person. You are responsible for your life and the direction it will take. If you are not safe to have a conversation with the other person and reclaim your power please seek help. http://www.thehotline.org/

No Contact

When You Exit a Relationship Door Opens for A New One

Wednesday, May 14th, 2014

Even though you leave a partner, when you exit the relationship there is a void to fill and it can take a long while to recover.  Whether the relationship was a healthy or destructive one the feeling of love for this person stays with you.

Over time the sorrow pain anger and frustration of having been in this relationship and having it end will soften. With the right attitude you will move forward with strong insight from having been part of it.

What determines growth is acceptance of the circumstances that led you to leave. You knew and still know that in order to live a healthy happy life you had to leave a person that you truly loved.

The victory is that you loved. Each of us who have been moved by love know that it leaves traces on the heart. Memories of love stay with us and long after the fire burns out marks are left as proof that loved existed. To deny that love existed keeps you in denial. Accepting that love was there helps you move forward.

Many times the end of one love prepares for a new healthier one;  a new door opens that may not have been available to you otherwise.

No Contact

Lost in a Relationship

Wednesday, March 26th, 2014

Has there been a time when you became so enamored with a new dating partner that your own life started to lose significance? Maybe you were lost inside that relationship.

We should feel good inside a relationship; it enhances an already full life. If we’re in a relationship where the other person takes top billing and prefers we take part in what they like and forget what we like, our life starts to lose relevance. Before we know it we start to slip away. It’s like we slowly become a shadow of our former self and need to be in the presence of this other person in order to feel alive. It can take a long time to snap out of the trance we’re in.

After my divorce I became involved in a relationship where I did feel lost. I hadn’t spent enough time being a single before I started dating so it was not a stretch for me to become involved in a relationship with a larger than life personality type. I let go of my own self-discovery and instead focused all my energy on this new person his interests, his wants, his needs. The result was that I lost ground figuring out who I was and taking care of my own needs. I found myself in a familiar place where I allowed someone else to orchestrate my life. It was a role I was used to but not the right place for me to be. His hobbies and interests definitely seemed more exciting than mine. His views and opinions seemed to make more sense than mine. Over time I convinced myself that I needed to lean on him in order to live my life.

Eventually I realized I needed to get myself back on track by determining my own boundaries, sticking with them, and communicating them to others.

Have you ever felt lost inside a relationship? What did you do?

No Contact

When You Exit a Relationship

Thursday, February 13th, 2014

Even though you leave a partner, when you exit the relationship there is a void to fill and it can take a long while to recover.  Whether the relationship was a healthy or destructive one the feeling of love for this person stays with you.

Over time the sorrow pain anger and frustration of having been in this relationship and having it end will soften. With the right attitude you will move forward with strong insight from having been part of it.

What determines growth is acceptance of the circumstances that led you to leave. You knew and still know that in order to live a healthy happy life you had to leave a person that you truly loved.

The victory is that you loved. Each of us who have been moved by love know that it leaves traces on the heart. Memories of love stay with us and long after the fire burns out marks are left as proof that loved existed. To deny that love existed keeps you in denial. Accepting that love was there helps you move forward.

Many times the end of one love prepares for a new healthier one;  a new door opens that may not have been available to you otherwise.

No Contact

On Being Loved

Monday, July 29th, 2013

“We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.

Let our scars fall in love.”

— Galway Kinnell

No Contact

Relationship Exit Opens New Door

Monday, July 8th, 2013

No ContactEven though you leave a partner, when you exit the relationship there is a void to fill and it can take a long while to recover.  Whether the relationship was a healthy or destructive one the feeling of love for this person stays with you.

Over time the sorrow pain anger and frustration of having been in this relationship and having it end will soften. With the right attitude you will move forward with strong insight from having been part of it.

What determines growth is acceptance of the circumstances that led you to leave. You knew and still know that in order to live a healthy happy life you had to leave a person that you truly loved.

The victory is that you loved. Each of us who have been moved by love know that it leaves traces on the heart. Memories of love stay with us and long after the fire burns out marks are left as proof that loved existed. To deny that love existed keeps you in denial. Accepting that love was there helps you move forward.

Many times the end of one love prepares for a new healthier one;  a new door opens that may not have been available to you otherwise.

Ending a Destructive Relationship

Monday, May 6th, 2013

Ten years ago I accepted an invitation to dinner with a man I was dating at the time. It was a warm Spring evening and he came to pick me up on his motorcycle. Once he got to my house, it didn’t take me long to realize he’d been drinking as I could smell it on his breath. Never-the-less,  I decided to get on the back of the bike and also chose to leave without two items I almost always take with me–my purse and phone.

Once we got to the restaurant and sat down he ordered drinks. I got a familiar sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach but chose to ignore it opting instead to go with the flow which was standard for me in this particular relationship.  After downing several beers he became obnoxiously loud and  rude with the waitperson who was serving us so was escorted out the door. I got up and walked out behind them. There were many thoughts spinning around in my head not the least of which was frustration with the fact that I was dealing with this situation at all.

Once outside the restaurant he went to get his bike and although I was used to going with the flow, I knew there was no way I would this time.

He pulled up to where I stood expecting me to hop on but I told him no. Agitated, he  said “get on the bike now!” And again I affirmed I wasn’t going to.  After a few more go-rounds of his insistence and my refusal he left. And there I stood no purse, no money, no phone and no ride home. I’m not sure why, but I elected not to go back in the restaurant to make a phone call maybe because I was too embarrassed or maybe because I just wanted to be alone. Whatever the reason, I started walking home–all twelve miles. (more…)

Dealing With a Destructive Relationship

Monday, April 22nd, 2013

http://bit.ly/13K5IdD