Posts Tagged ‘power’

Strong Arming & Silencing You

Monday, July 30th, 2018

No ContactIf you are in a relationship with a partner who practices strong arming you are familiar with words that block you from speaking your truth. Having a conversation that confronts or questions is usually met with blocks such as:

We’re not going to talk about this.

OR

I’ve told you I don’t want to talk about this.

OR

Don’t talk to me about this.

OR

If you continue to talk about this or if you don’t stop talking about this–there’s the door.

etc. etc.

You may think you are obligated to keep silent.

You might decide that having your truth heard is not worth the fallout and choose to keep your thoughts to yourself.

However, by silencing your truth you squelch who you are as a human being.

You miss out on being who you are meant to be.

No one has the right to take YOU out of the picture.

No one has the right to tell you what you can and can’t talk about.

No one has the right to tell you that what you have to say means nothing and is better left unsaid.

But every time you allow another person to silence your words you are allowing another person to take away your freedom to be you.

Strong arming is a tactic used by abusers and is used to gain and retain power.

You don’t have to live life being strong armed.

The only person stopping you from breaking the pattern is YOU.

You only have one life. Make it your own.

As always if you are in a situation in which you are not safe seek help.

1-800-799-7233 Domestic Abuse Hotline

Trust

Sunday, July 9th, 2017

Trust yourself first.

If you don’t follow your gut and follow your basic instincts who do you think you should be listening to?

Is there someone out there who knows all the answers to make your life easier to live?

Is there another person you know who knows everything there is to know about you better than you?

And even if there was an all knowing individual out there who you consider to be the supreme know-it-all about you and you did everything they told you to do, would the results be any better than what you create for yourself?

You need to trust yourself first and foremost. Many of us who have been in abusive and otherwise disappointing relationships have had great difficulty trusting ourselves. Many of us learned in childhood that we couldn’t trust our hearts, our thoughts, our instincts, nothing. We were led to believe that we didn’t have any idea what was best for us and so because of this have struggled in adulthood to reverse this self defeating mindset.

If we all trusted ourselves deeply on the inside rather than seeking outward advice and approval there would be less pain and suffering and more joy. When we seek answers from outside ourselves we get into trouble because we lose who we are. We’ve got the answers; we’ve just got to trust that we do!

I have spent years of my life in difficult relationships and in some instances put myself and my family in danger because I refused to listen to my gut. It took me far longer than it ever should have to extricate myself from painful relationships simply because I refused to consistently pay attention to my instincts.

If you have related to others who have led you to believe you can’t trust in you, distance yourself from these people or if that’s not possible, stand up to them by standing up and acknowledging the power within you.

People who tell you you don’t know what you are talking about or that you didn’t see what you saw or didn’t hear what you heard, or don’t know what you know to be true are gas lighting you and that practice is insidious.

People who do this will wear you down so be prepared to consistently resist their attempts to throw you off track. Come back to you and ask yourself if what you heard feels right to you or if it feels off. If it feels off accept that it does, don’t question that! Do question the other person though. Ask them hard questions. Ask them the questions you’re afraid to ask because you don’t want to rock the boat. Ask them the questions that you know you need to ask. Let them know who you are. If you are afraid to ask the hard questions or don’t want to let them know who you really are and what you really want, why in the world would you want to continue on with this person?

As you gain momentum and consistently maintain your power from within, you will find that those others who want you to cast doubt in yourself start distancing themselves from you OR they will straighten up their act. Don’t however, hold your breath as they are not likely to clean up their game to keep you in their life. It’s too easy to find other people who will easily and willingly become their prey.

No Contact

Full Engagement

Tuesday, April 4th, 2017

No ContactFull engagement in your own life is a must.

Your own interests

Your own plans, activities, friends and family.

The best relationship any of us ever has is the one we have with ourselves. If it is when we form a partnership with another person we will add to what we already have rather than take away from what we love in order to accommodate a new partner.

For those of us who are experienced with being in destructive relationships, we tend to let the other person dictate what we do and don’t do, where we go, who we see and don’t see, heck we even let partners decide what we eat!

When it comes right down to it all any of us have is ourselves. Other people will leave us either through divorce, break up, abandonment or death.

You have this great opportunity while living to take care of you. Love others as best you can but remember they are humans just like you. They don’t own you and no human will ever be your higher power.

Engaging in your own life first and foremost will bring you the peace of mind that will allow you to have strong relationships with others.

Wearing a Badge

Tuesday, November 15th, 2016

No ContactWearing a badge gives us rights. For those in the workforce some people have the right to hand out decisions and deliver mandates and if it weren’t for the work they do would not have the power to do this.

The reality is that one day those who have badges will give them up. Usually giving up the badge is done with grace and willingness knowing it is time to take it off. Other times termination forces people to relinquish the badge.

Once badge wearers are among the general population they lose authority but gain freedom from the responsibility that goes along with wearing a badge.

They themselves may run into resistance when they need help or are trying to help someone else.

If this happens it is tempting to let the people in charge know from where you’ve come as it might help but then again it might not.

For those still wearing badges do so with dignity and honor.

Be kind patient and respectful toward others.

Remember that once you lose your badge there may just come a day when you have to fight like hell to be heard.

Bargaining Power

Saturday, July 30th, 2016

Sometimes you may feel you need bargaining power to get what you need and want in your life.

It can be frustrating to be on the weak end in terms of the power it takes to make things happen.

It may be that the weak end just needs shoring up to strengthen the base of support.

You have it within you to strengthen this base; never doubt that for a second.

No Contact

Lopsided Power Distribution

Thursday, December 24th, 2015

When you’re in a relationship where the distribution of power is lopsided, the person with little or no power becomes even more powerless by silencing their own voice.

You don’t intentionally stop talking. There is a freeze that happens. This freeze causes you to have great difficulty gathering your thoughts and speaking when in communication with a person whom you see as having more power than you. Remember–they have more power because you have turned your power over to them.

When trying to communicate  with a person who you have given your power to:

Take a breath and gather your thoughts.

Make eye contact.

Say what you need to say; keep it brief.

The more you speak up; the more confident you will become.

People who have the power are not typically good listeners. They will look down, walk away, do something else, but not usually interested in listening to anyone other than themselves.

Don’t chase after them to talk to them. Chasing is like begging–begging for time and attention.

As you speak up and reclaim your power you will decide if it is worth your time to communicate with this person.

You are responsible for your life and the direction it will take.

If you are not safe to have a conversation with the other person and reclaim your power please seek help.

http://www.thehotline.org/

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The Accommodater

Tuesday, December 8th, 2015

If you’re the accommodater you’re pretty well set on accommodating other people.

When you accommodate you stop being genuine.

If you worry about how another person feels as it relates to every little action you take you create an imbalance of power.

For example, another person may make a comment about what you’re doing or not doing as it relates to them….maybe they want you to stop whatever it is you’re doing and do what they want you to do.

If you are in the middle of an activity you don’t need to make excuses for doing what you’re doing and you don’t need to stop what you’re doing because another person implies that you should.

It is pretty darn liberating to say no.

Yes, is easy. Yes is always easy.

Yes is accommodating, it’s pleasing, it makes everything nice and neat and without conflict.

No is harder, always harder.

No goes against, is different from and is in total conflict with.

When you mean no, say no. If you say yes but you really mean no you’re lying to yourself and the other person.

You’re being genuine when you need to be; you’re honoring your individuality.

Just do it.

You’ll be glad you did.

Note: If you’re in a domestic violence situation please seek help.

http://www.thehotline.org/

No Contact

Distribution of Power In Relationships

Tuesday, November 18th, 2014

When you’re in a relationship where the distribution of power is lopsided, the person with little or no power becomes even more powerless by silencing their own voice. You don’t intentionally stop talking. There is a freeze that happens. You have trouble gathering your thoughts and speaking up when in communication with the person you see as having more power than you. Remember–they have more power only because you have turned your power over to them. When trying to communicate¬† with a person you have given your power to: take a breath and gather your thoughts; make eye contact; say what you need to say; keep it brief. The more you speak up; the more confident you will be. People who are power mongers are not typically good listeners. They’ll look down, walk away, do something else, but not usually interested in listening to anyone other than themselves. Don’t chase after them to have a conversation. Chasing is like begging–begging for time and attention. As you speak up and reclaim your power you will decide if it is worth your time to communicate with this person. You are responsible for your life and the direction it will take. If you are not safe to have a conversation with the other person and reclaim your power please seek help. http://www.thehotline.org/

No Contact

Don’t Give Away Your Power

Friday, September 19th, 2014

Do you give away your power?

You can teach someone to respect you but not by handing your power over to them.

Weakness doesn’t equal respect.

Fear of saying NO doesn’t equal respect.

Stand your ground no matter what the situation.

This keeps you safe and calm.

When you are calm you will earn the respect you deserve from yourself and others.

Don’t give away your power to anyone.

Don’t hand your power over to another person.

Expect respect.

No Contact

Seeking to Understand

Monday, March 24th, 2014

There are very few things as important in life as seeking to understand.

We are concerned about being understood which is very important

Yet when we seek to understand the viewpoints of others we are learning every bit as much about ourselves as we are about them.

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