Posts Tagged ‘personal boundaries’

Ending a Destructive Relationship

Monday, May 6th, 2013

Ten years ago I accepted an invitation to dinner with a man I was dating at the time. It was a warm Spring evening and he came to pick me up on his motorcycle. Once he got to my house, it didn’t take me long to realize he’d been drinking as I could smell it on his breath. Never-the-less,  I decided to get on the back of the bike and also chose to leave without two items I almost always take with me–my purse and phone.

Once we got to the restaurant and sat down he ordered drinks. I got a familiar sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach but chose to ignore it opting instead to go with the flow which was standard for me in this particular relationship.  After downing several beers he became obnoxiously loud and  rude with the waitperson who was serving us so was escorted out the door. I got up and walked out behind them. There were many thoughts spinning around in my head not the least of which was frustration with the fact that I was dealing with this situation at all.

Once outside the restaurant he went to get his bike and although I was used to going with the flow, I knew there was no way I would this time.

He pulled up to where I stood expecting me to hop on but I told him no. Agitated, he  said “get on the bike now!” And again I affirmed I wasn’t going to.  After a few more go-rounds of his insistence and my refusal he left. And there I stood no purse, no money, no phone and no ride home. I’m not sure why, but I elected not to go back in the restaurant to make a phone call maybe because I was too embarrassed or maybe because I just wanted to be alone. Whatever the reason, I started walking home–all twelve miles. (more…)

Celebrate Small Steps

Thursday, February 7th, 2013

Celebrate and focus on the small steps you take each day as you move forward. Minimize the setbacks.

Start When You’re Ready

Tuesday, December 18th, 2012

I once met a woman who told me she loves karaoke. I mean she loves it! When I met her she was nearing 80 so I figured she’d been doing karaoke for many years but she told me she didn’t step foot into a bar and try her hand at karaoke until she was 75!

She said she really didn’t feel at all comfortable going earlier in life so waited until she did. I asked her what it took to finally feel comfortable and she told me that at 75 she no longer cared what other people thought of her. She said it took her awhile to finally build up enough nerve to go but once she did she never looked back. Her children told me they often go with her because they love watching her have so much fun. She says that sometimes she gets up and sings but often she just watches and loves every minute.

Thinking of her reminds me of the stress I’ve put myself under to do a certain thing–in a hurry. Not that waiting as long as she did is necessarily the best way to go BUT sometimes waiting isn’t all bad either.

Maybe when a person is ready, they’ll know it and feel more comfortable taking the next step—whatever that next step might be. Of course the first step is always the hardest and chances are if we’re prone to waiting before taking an action we’ve most likely replayed the first step in our mind many times before finally taking the plunge.

So whatever it is you’re contemplating whether it be a new relationship, career change, vacation, art lessons, etc., don’t feel you need to rush it. Maybe taking a little more time is just what you need.

Getting Burned & Life Lessons

Tuesday, December 4th, 2012

One time when my oldest son was two I was standing at the kitchen stove just starting dinner.  I turned the front burner on. My son came up to the stove and I told him “Hot don’t touch, it will hurt. No!”

He looked at me and said “Hot!”

I said “That’s right, hot!”

He looked at the burner then looked at me, looked at the burner, then looked at me again.  With no warning what-so-ever he firmly placed his hand right on it! In the same instant came his blood curdling scream and me picking him up. I dashed out of the kitchen him in my arms to take care of the burn repeating, “Hot, hot, I told you hot!”

Well, I may have told him hot but he didn’t understand hot until he felt hot on his hand! He definitely learned about hot after that incident. Fortunately the stove burner wasn’t on high or even medium heat but it was hot enough to burn his hand and as a result he never touched a stove burner again.

Lesson learned. Stove burners are hot. Place your hand on one and you’ll get burned.

For me, there have been situations in my life where it took more than one experience to learn a lesson. There have been times when despite red flags, warnings, and incidents where it was clear I needed to pay attention, I repeatedly didn’t learn.  Instead I wished and hoped and prayed things would work out.  I often ignored my gut instincts opting to second guess myself instead. So it went like this:

Lesson not learned. Repeat lesson.

Lesson not learned. Repeat lesson again…

I would rather confidently say, I know what is best for me

than after the fact say…

I was afraid that would happen!

Or

I’m not comfortable with that

rather than…

Oh, I guess it will be okay.

When we think about what we want, we really do know.

And if we really are unsure in a given situation then what we’re really saying is no.

How many times does it take to learn one life lesson?

As many times as we allow it to take.

There are some lessons we don’t want to repeat more than once because these lessons take a toll on us.

So the next time you come into contact with a hot burner and you’ve already felt the pain pay attention to the voice that tells you to turn your back and walk away.

 

Being Where You’re Supposed to be and Knocking on Doors

Friday, May 18th, 2012

Have you ever wondered if where you are is where you should be?

I mean, we can wonder about everything we do and the decisions we make as it relates to us and the truth is we’ll probably never know for sure if we’ve got it all exactly right. So if we weren’t where we are now, where else would we be? What would we do? Who would be in our lives? What would life look like?

We all have times when we question our direction. Yet if we are spiritual (and that is certainly different for everyone) have faith in that spirituality and are moving forward by living life in a way we feel good about, we’re most definitely on a positive path.

If I were homeless, with no means of support, no friends or family near by—I would have serious doubts about whether or not I was in the right place. In fact I’d make a point of doing whatever I could to change my situation by coming up with a plan and working on it daily.

There have been times in my life when I’ve faced setbacks and have struggled economically, emotionally, and spiritually. Each time has been frustrating primarily because I didn’t know for sure if the smart move was to stay on my current path or choose a different one.

Sometimes we are fearful or uncertain no matter what we do. The goal at this point is to move forward every single day by gathering information setting goals and eventually getting our nerve up to knock on a few doors. We might get to the first one and it slams in our face. That’s okay, we just try another one. If we get the same result we continue to try again and again and again.

Some decide it’s too discouraging so abandon knocking on any more doors. Others keep trudging on. Not giving up is the American way, right? Sure staying the course despite rejection builds character yet at some point it’s a good idea to step back and consider whether it’s possible we’re trying to open the wrong doors. (more…)

Stinking Thinking, Rules for Being Human, & Risking

Thursday, May 17th, 2012

I was looking through some of my online favorites and ran across this website. I think there is some interesting reading here, I hope you agree.

http://joy2meu.com/column.htm

Small Steps/Big Impact in New Relationships with Ourselves

Monday, January 30th, 2012

It took awhile to make changes that would help move me toward a better life. I kept thinking I would need to take big leaps but wasn’t comfortable with sweeping change so consequently waited longer than I really needed to. Eventually I realized that being patient works best and that small steps usually have the most impact.

There was a time years back when I knew I definitely wanted to take a step forward. In fact I knew I absolutely had to if I valued my life. I found out about a domestic violence support group which met in my local area on Thursday evenings. I thought about going to one of those meetings for months.

I kept trying to build up courage to go to a meeting and then would change my mind. I rationalized staying home by convincing myself it was more work to go than it was worth and that I wouldn’t gain much anyway. I weighed the pros and cons for months. Finally I told myself—you’re going to the next meeting no matter what! (more…)

The Power of Words

Wednesday, January 18th, 2012

Children learn from adults to say “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” These words are taught in order to lessen the pain inflicted on them by other children.

Children can be hurt deeply by words! A school or community playground can become a place to dread where the young can be left permanently scarred by spiteful or mindless chatter.

Words have the energy and power to heal or maim; to comfort or destroy. A few choice words can start or end a friendship. Arguments, fights, divorces, feuds, and wars start because of words. Sometimes we carry pain with us throughout life because of words spoken to us that we never forgot. The way words are said makes a difference too. They can soothe or attack. We can direct pleasantries toward those we like and curse words toward those we don’t.

Children and adults alike are hurt or helped by the words we speak. We can absolutely and positively make or break another person’s day. We can build them up or tear them down with just a few choice words.

Choose your words carefully.

Don’t Beg for Love!

Wednesday, September 1st, 2010

I ran across this excellent post and strongly recommend it if you or someone you know is in the habit of begging for love.  http://bit.ly/cMPGZA

Courage

Sunday, July 11th, 2010

There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go.  –team lycans