Posts Tagged ‘partner’

Defeating the Narcissist

Saturday, December 2nd, 2017

Defeating the narcissist is not hard yet it does require that you do something which might appear foreign to you but is absolutely necessary.

You must anchor into the truth of you.

You must feel into who you are and the knowing of who you are.

You must believe that you know who you are and that no one else on this earth knows this truth better than you do.

You must partner with yourself and believe in what your inner being tells you.

You must believe what your inner being tells you ALWAYS even when you come face to face with someone who tells you that you don’t know who you are and that you don’t know what you want, don’t know what is happening, and don’t know what you’re talking about.

Narcissists will tell you whatever they need to tell you to manifest their agenda. Everything they do and say is a means to that end.

Narcissists will lie when it suits them which is quite often.

Narcissists will lie when there is absolutely no reason to lie. They may tell you they had cereal for breakfast when they really had pancakes. They may tell you they bought a new coat when they didn’t and then when you compliment them on their new coat the next time you see them they say it’s not new and that they never told you they bought a new coat.

Narcissists are unconscious. They don’t face the truth of who they are because their wounding, like all of us who are among the walking wounded, have deep wounds from childhood. We either face these wounds and heal them or we don’t. Narcissists don’t and they won’t.

Our job has human beings is to live consciously in our own truth. When we do this we stop dancing with narcissists. When we face our own truth we have no interest in narcissists and want nothing to do with them.

If you are separated from and must co-parent with a narcissist stand up for the truth of you and for your children. Face the obstacles in your way and calmly and deliberately get your ducks in a row and keep them there. Do your research and document. Document even when you don’t think you need to document because the narcissist will throw you off if you are not one step ahead of them at all times. When you consistently take care of business they will see the change, your children will see the change, and you will feel the change in your mind and in your body. At this point the contact you have with them is only for your children–their health and wellness, scheduling, education.

Narcissists sniff out unconscious co-dependents like heat seeking missiles AND they know when a person is not worth messing with. They know this because people who are grounded in who they are won’t put up with people who play games with the heart, the mind, and the soul. Grounded people know themselves and know exactly what they need to make their lives work. They ask questions of other people that will give them the answers they need. They don’t put up with other people telling them untruths about who they are because they already know who they are. They don’t fall for sweet words that are all fluff and no substance. Remember, narcissists tell people anything they think is necessary in order to get others to do what they want them to do. When you call them on their words and stand tall in your own truth consistently they will back off and slink away.

Defeating the narcissist isn’t the end goal. Defeating the narcissist is a necessary step that must be taken in order to have the space and the freedom to move you forward to your true self.

No Contact

Define You Before a New Relationship

Monday, April 25th, 2016

Before finding a new relationship partner, get a good handle on who you are. If someone asks you who you are, what do you say? I’m a mom, a teacher, I live in Montana. If your answer is about what you do or where you live, you’re defining your role or function rather than who you are. Trying to figure out who you are while getting to know a new relationship partner, is the equivalent of attempting to climb Mt Everest wearing ballet slippers.

It doesn’t work! You spend lots of time backsliding while trying as hard as you can to climb up a slippery slope. You want to make an impression, want to appear self-confident but all the while you’re thinking about things you wished you had considered first rather than after the fact.

You’re not well equipped and may also realize quickly you’re in over your head.

If you’ve recently left a relationship, keep cool and calm and stay focused on you. You’ll be amazed at what you discover. Absolutely amazed, guaranteed.

No Contact

Lift the Silence!

Monday, October 7th, 2013

When we let others drown out our voice we are silenced.

When we let others command our attention to the point where we are moved to silence, we lose our voice.

When we give up our voice because we are afraid or it’s not worth the energy it would take to stand up and be heard, we lose our voice.

We might quietly decide that our words have less value than those of a partner who is quicker to speak and louder than we are.

Those who speak quicker and louder do so to keep you silent.

Keeping their mouths open assures that yours stays shut.

Your voice needs to be heard.

Your voice will increase in volume once you allow it to be heard.

If you have been conditioned to be silent you must find the inner strength to overcome this conditioning. Practice daily stating your opinion. Offer your opinion up when you feel it is safe to do so.

Write daily in a diary writing about  how you feel re: issues that come up for you. Get used to looking to yourself for answers instead of believing that you can’t trust your decisions.

Slowly, as you begin to believe in your own value others around you will take notice.

Post a notice to yourself  where you will see it every day–I AM SMART STRONG & COURAGEOUS. I HAVE VALUE & I BELIEVE IN ME.  Incorporate this into your personhood.

If you are feeling threatened bullied defeated and are giving up your voice for the sake of another please resist the urge to continue on in this manner.

If you need help please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline:

1 800 799 SAFE (7233)

No Contact

On Being Loved

Monday, July 29th, 2013

“We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.

Let our scars fall in love.”

— Galway Kinnell

No Contact

Obsessing Over a Narcissistic Relationship?

Sunday, January 6th, 2013

The link below directs you to an excellent article–How to Stop Obsessing Over a Narcissistic Relationship. The article is written by Roberta Cone, Psy.D.

Marital Issues & Smart Phone Addiction

Monday, February 13th, 2012

Is your smartphone coming between you and your partner?

Sunday, August 7th, 2011

Fear of a relationship partner signals all is not well.

Do you fear because you’ve learned not to trust your partner?

Are your fears unfounded or is there reason to feel the way you do?

Trust and follow your instincts.

When it Ends

Wednesday, July 6th, 2011

If you terminate a relationship it’s wise not to jump into a new one. Really get in there and give it a good go so you understand on a deep level why the relationship ended.

Be honest with you.

Write it all down. The good, the bad, and everything else that is relevant. Take time to walk through life on your own before adding another person to your mix.

Own up to what you did and didn’t do every bit as much as you determine what your partner did and didn’t do.

Go back to the beginning–the first time you ever laid eyes on your partner. Were there signs you should have/could have paid attention to? What were you thinking about?

In every relationship it takes two and the kindest most loving thing you can do for you is to understand the whys so you don’t repeat them.

How do You Know When it’s Time to Leave a Destructive Relationship?

Thursday, September 16th, 2010

Here you go:

The Importance of Caring in Relationships

Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010

There are times when it feels like no one cares–even those people who have  committed to caring about us act at times as if they don’t.

How important is it that we sense that others we care about care about us?

Pretty darn important.

How long would you continue on in a relationship if the person you’re with didn’t show an inkling of caring toward you? Would it be hard to muster up the ability to care for them? How long could you pull off genuine caring behavior for another person who consistently ignored dismissed or was simply unaware of your needs?

Say you got caught in a downpour and your partner pulled out their umbrella but told you to get your own.

Wonder if you came home after working a 10 hour shift and your partner who had been at home relaxing all day asked you to fix dinner–would you rush to the kitchen and proceed to to knock out a four course meal?

Maybe you’re on a walk with your partner and you come across a $10 bill.   You pick it up and while holding it in your hand they grab it and say “hey, great, thanks!” Then proceed to stuff it in their pocket without batting an eye! Would this give you a stabbing feeling in your gut–or would you just shrug it off?

When someone close to you feels a certain level of comfort in your presence their true colors emerge and sometimes the picture isn’t too bright. How quickly vibrant hues become lifeless and dull and what’s amazing is the change you feel toward them happens in a matter of seconds. The question is what do you do?

When you stop to think about it, this person has given you a gift. You’ve just received a glimpse of what the future holds. If it’s a new relationship–wow, what a time saver. It’s wonderful! Is there any doubt what your next action will be?

But say you’ve already determined that this is someone you want to  commit to or this is a long term partner or a spouse? Then what? Do you shove the hurt deep down inside as quickly as possible and work to erase any residual affects?

Well, denial works–for awhile. But the fact that you notice the slight, the insult, the total inappropriateness of an action means you’re aware and once you’re aware you know there is potential for more of the same. You’ve got to act!

You’ve got to say “what the heck are you doing?”  Or, “no I won’t fix dinner I’m tired!”  Or “excuse me, I found it, it’s mine!”

You call it like you see it. You’ve got to!

And, if you continue to see major red lights flashing you take another action–you leave. Ongoing acts of rudeness, cruelty, disrespect, inconsideration, or endangerment signal a conscious choice and if another person is consciously and consistently telling you through their words or actions that they don’t care, they don’t.