Posts Tagged ‘new relationships’

A New Relationship on the Heels of an Old One

Wednesday, April 17th, 2013

Sometimes people leave one relationship and before you know it, have entered a new one. Being barely out of one relationship and then sliding into a new one is a slippery slope to climb. It’s hard to be emotionally available for a new partner when there hasn’t been enough time to move past the old one.

Where is the breathing room? What happens to the time it takes to think and heal?

It may be uncomfortable to be without a partner but feeling your way along–alone for awhile is not a bad thing. It takes time patience and a willingness to face loss in order to heal. There isn’t a need to bring another person into the picture to help you through the process. A new relationship partner just adds another layer you’re not ready for. Any new person you meet may wonder why you even find it necessary to start something new so soon.

Healing happens over time. Rushing into new relationships postpones healing.

It doesn’t matter if the relationship left was the world’s worst—healing is still necessary.

It doesn’t matter if the relationship was loveless—there still needs to be time to understand why you were there.

Consider the time you spend without a relationship as an investment in you. Healing makes us stronger and wiser. We grow, develop, and learn from each person that comes into our lives. Friends and family can be of great help after a breakup. They can provide companionship and help you stabilize as you move forward on your own.

Whether the relationship you left lasted a month, six months, a year or ten, the time and effort you put into your healing will provide you with peace and well being down the road.

Take More Time to Pay Attention in Conversations with Others

Friday, February 8th, 2013

If we take more time to pay attention to our thoughts when in conversations with others we’re less likely to have conversations with abusers and in turn develop relationships with them. If a small voice inside you warns you, listen to the warning.

Celebrate Small Steps

Thursday, February 7th, 2013

Celebrate and focus on the small steps you take each day as you move forward. Minimize the setbacks.

Self-Belief in New Relationships

Wednesday, July 11th, 2012

Half the battle when developing great relationships is taking enough time to develop a strong relationship with yourself first. Do you have self-belief?

Are you growing yourself as an individual? Do you believe in your ability to be successful? Do you believe in your ability to make good decisions? Do you trust your instincts?

If you don’t believe in yourself how will you maintain strong relationships with others?

It is relatively easy to say “I believe in myself.” It is harder to live life each day with self-belief. It is difficult to stand by an opinion when others disagree but if you sincerely believe in your opinion why go along with others if in reality you don’t agree with what they say?

Solid relationships develop over time. Starting out a new relationship without self-belief makes you vulnerable to accepting and believing that your partner’s likes wants needs and opinions  are exactly like your own even when they’re not. Say your new friend loves red meat and eats it regularly. You on the other hand don’t care for it and rarely eat it. Are you more likely to say you love red meat even if you don’t or admit that you don’t care much for it? Say he loves science fiction movies and has a collection he watches over and over again. You on the hand love comedies and only occasionally watch anything else. Do you hide that difference or bring it out in the open?

Owning up to who you are won’t make or break a viable relationship. Standing by your true self and believing in your abilities will enhance your relationships with others. Sure, we want to respect individual differences in others but not to the point where we disregard our own. Who we are and what we think separates us from the pack.

Being Where You’re Supposed to be and Knocking on Doors

Friday, May 18th, 2012

Have you ever wondered if where you are is where you should be?

I mean, we can wonder about everything we do and the decisions we make as it relates to us and the truth is we’ll probably never know for sure if we’ve got it all exactly right. So if we weren’t where we are now, where else would we be? What would we do? Who would be in our lives? What would life look like?

We all have times when we question our direction. Yet if we are spiritual (and that is certainly different for everyone) have faith in that spirituality and are moving forward by living life in a way we feel good about, we’re most definitely on a positive path.

If I were homeless, with no means of support, no friends or family near by—I would have serious doubts about whether or not I was in the right place. In fact I’d make a point of doing whatever I could to change my situation by coming up with a plan and working on it daily.

There have been times in my life when I’ve faced setbacks and have struggled economically, emotionally, and spiritually. Each time has been frustrating primarily because I didn’t know for sure if the smart move was to stay on my current path or choose a different one.

Sometimes we are fearful or uncertain no matter what we do. The goal at this point is to move forward every single day by gathering information setting goals and eventually getting our nerve up to knock on a few doors. We might get to the first one and it slams in our face. That’s okay, we just try another one. If we get the same result we continue to try again and again and again.

Some decide it’s too discouraging so abandon knocking on any more doors. Others keep trudging on. Not giving up is the American way, right? Sure staying the course despite rejection builds character yet at some point it’s a good idea to step back and consider whether it’s possible we’re trying to open the wrong doors. (more…)

Small Steps/Big Impact in New Relationships with Ourselves

Monday, January 30th, 2012

It took awhile to make changes that would help move me toward a better life. I kept thinking I would need to take big leaps but wasn’t comfortable with sweeping change so consequently waited longer than I really needed to. Eventually I realized that being patient works best and that small steps usually have the most impact.

There was a time years back when I knew I definitely wanted to take a step forward. In fact I knew I absolutely had to if I valued my life. I found out about a domestic violence support group which met in my local area on Thursday evenings. I thought about going to one of those meetings for months.

I kept trying to build up courage to go to a meeting and then would change my mind. I rationalized staying home by convincing myself it was more work to go than it was worth and that I wouldn’t gain much anyway. I weighed the pros and cons for months. Finally I told myself—you’re going to the next meeting no matter what! (more…)

Loved Ones Taking a Back Seat to New Relationships

Tuesday, January 24th, 2012

This should never happen but it happens every day. It happened to me once and although it took longer than it should have I shook myself out of the daze I was in and woke up.

Those of us who find ourselves in relationships we become compulsive about talk ourselves into believing these relationships are healthy and good for us. We can’t see or refuse to see that we don’t have our priorities straight.

We think about what we want right now.

We think we must make our new relationship partner our number one priority or we’ll lose them.

If the only way to maintain a new relationship is to put everyone else in our lives on the back burner we’re preparing a recipe for disaster. It’s not necessary to let a new person monopolize our thoughts and time and if this is what we do we’re not ready for that new relationship.

We’re off balance. We’re looking for companionship at the cost of our loved ones. We stand to lose respect from our children, parents, siblings, friends, the new person, and us.

When I experienced this and forced myself to pay attention, I could feel the despair in my heart and see it in the eyes of my children.

If you have experienced urgent intimacy you know it’s a tough spot to be in but at the same time you also know you don’t have to be there. We make this choice and we can just as easily decide to take our time rather than  speed up the process.

New relationship partners worth having will respect us if we respect and value the relationships we already have in our lives. There’s no need to create urgent intimacy. There is a need to nurture our current relationships and grow new ones over time.

Have you experienced urgent intimacy? What are your thoughts about this?

Talk is Not Cheap in Relationships

Wednesday, December 14th, 2011

You’ve most likely heard the expression talk is cheap. It definitely doesn’t apply to relationships. If anything it’s a commodity. Without talk a relationship is destined to die.

Sometimes, especially in the beginning, talk is hard to come by. People feel their way as they create conversation in order to find common ground. Some conversations last just a few seconds, simple words, light and breezy. Others can be meatier and last hours.

Talk is good.  Not necessarily idle chatter but sincere communication heals our souls and keeps the brain active and stimulated.

Talking about common interests, activities, current events, ideas, travel, dreams, goals, and plans usually put people at ease. When it gets right down to it, all of our relationships are a series of conversations.

Great relationships don’t just happen–they’re created and one of the primary ingredients is talk. Talk is wonderful music to the ears. It has great value. It’s like physical exercise—the more you do the better you get and the more you look forward to it.

If you find it tough to involve another person in conversation, keep trying. As the conversation starts to flow,  you’ll become more comfortable and start looking forward to it. If you run across someone who seems turned off by a meaningful exchange take note of it. If you are dating and conversation comes hard a safe bet is to ask the other person about themselves–most people love to talk about their views activities hobbies etc. Guard against overwhelming your partner. Too much question and answer conversation for hours at a time is too much to deal with. Shorter meaningful conversations have a greater impact over time.

To keep a relationship going keep the lines of communication flowing.

Are You Ready…

Tuesday, March 15th, 2011

The Importance of Caring in Relationships

Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010

There are times when it feels like no one cares–even those people who have  committed to caring about us act at times as if they don’t.

How important is it that we sense that others we care about care about us?

Pretty darn important.

How long would you continue on in a relationship if the person you’re with didn’t show an inkling of caring toward you? Would it be hard to muster up the ability to care for them? How long could you pull off genuine caring behavior for another person who consistently ignored dismissed or was simply unaware of your needs?

Say you got caught in a downpour and your partner pulled out their umbrella but told you to get your own.

Wonder if you came home after working a 10 hour shift and your partner who had been at home relaxing all day asked you to fix dinner–would you rush to the kitchen and proceed to to knock out a four course meal?

Maybe you’re on a walk with your partner and you come across a $10 bill.   You pick it up and while holding it in your hand they grab it and say “hey, great, thanks!” Then proceed to stuff it in their pocket without batting an eye! Would this give you a stabbing feeling in your gut–or would you just shrug it off?

When someone close to you feels a certain level of comfort in your presence their true colors emerge and sometimes the picture isn’t too bright. How quickly vibrant hues become lifeless and dull and what’s amazing is the change you feel toward them happens in a matter of seconds. The question is what do you do?

When you stop to think about it, this person has given you a gift. You’ve just received a glimpse of what the future holds. If it’s a new relationship–wow, what a time saver. It’s wonderful! Is there any doubt what your next action will be?

But say you’ve already determined that this is someone you want to  commit to or this is a long term partner or a spouse? Then what? Do you shove the hurt deep down inside as quickly as possible and work to erase any residual affects?

Well, denial works–for awhile. But the fact that you notice the slight, the insult, the total inappropriateness of an action means you’re aware and once you’re aware you know there is potential for more of the same. You’ve got to act!

You’ve got to say “what the heck are you doing?”  Or, “no I won’t fix dinner I’m tired!”  Or “excuse me, I found it, it’s mine!”

You call it like you see it. You’ve got to!

And, if you continue to see major red lights flashing you take another action–you leave. Ongoing acts of rudeness, cruelty, disrespect, inconsideration, or endangerment signal a conscious choice and if another person is consciously and consistently telling you through their words or actions that they don’t care, they don’t.