Posts Tagged ‘leaving relationships’

Ending a Destructive Relationship

Monday, May 6th, 2013

Ten years ago I accepted an invitation to dinner with a man I was dating at the time. It was a warm Spring evening and he came to pick me up on his motorcycle. Once he got to my house, it didn’t take me long to realize he’d been drinking as I could smell it on his breath. Never-the-less,  I decided to get on the back of the bike and also chose to leave without two items I almost always take with me–my purse and phone.

Once we got to the restaurant and sat down he ordered drinks. I got a familiar sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach but chose to ignore it opting instead to go with the flow which was standard for me in this particular relationship.  After downing several beers he became obnoxiously loud and  rude with the waitperson who was serving us so was escorted out the door. I got up and walked out behind them. There were many thoughts spinning around in my head not the least of which was frustration with the fact that I was dealing with this situation at all.

Once outside the restaurant he went to get his bike and although I was used to going with the flow, I knew there was no way I would this time.

He pulled up to where I stood expecting me to hop on but I told him no. Agitated, he  said “get on the bike now!” And again I affirmed I wasn’t going to.  After a few more go-rounds of his insistence and my refusal he left. And there I stood no purse, no money, no phone and no ride home. I’m not sure why, but I elected not to go back in the restaurant to make a phone call maybe because I was too embarrassed or maybe because I just wanted to be alone. Whatever the reason, I started walking home–all twelve miles. (more…)

Destructive Partnership Dynamics

Friday, April 26th, 2013

This isn’t an all inclusive list of traits associated with partners but it gives an example of the dynamic that can play out in these relationships:

Partner #1                                       Partner #2

Overpowers                                     Accommodates

Forces will on others                       Builds others up, encourages, supportive

Self-serving                                      Selfless

Fast Talkers                                     Good Listeners

Charismatic                                      Passive, Unsure

Take Charge                                    Defer to Others

Shows Confidence                           Self-Conscious

Opportunistic                                   Altruistic

Rule Breaker                                    Rule Enforcer

Emotionally Flat                               Emotionally Expressive

Anti-Social                                       Sociable

Emotionally Unavailable                  Available

Not much hope for success in a relationship with these two partners. Always wise to pay attention to partner traits early on and address them. Allowing the dynamic to continue is a recipe for misery.

 

A New Relationship on the Heels of an Old One

Wednesday, April 17th, 2013

Sometimes people leave one relationship and before you know it, have entered a new one. Being barely out of one relationship and then sliding into a new one is a slippery slope to climb. It’s hard to be emotionally available for a new partner when there hasn’t been enough time to move past the old one.

Where is the breathing room? What happens to the time it takes to think and heal?

It may be uncomfortable to be without a partner but feeling your way along–alone for awhile is not a bad thing. It takes time patience and a willingness to face loss in order to heal. There isn’t a need to bring another person into the picture to help you through the process. A new relationship partner just adds another layer you’re not ready for. Any new person you meet may wonder why you even find it necessary to start something new so soon.

Healing happens over time. Rushing into new relationships postpones healing.

It doesn’t matter if the relationship left was the world’s worst—healing is still necessary.

It doesn’t matter if the relationship was loveless—there still needs to be time to understand why you were there.

Consider the time you spend without a relationship as an investment in you. Healing makes us stronger and wiser. We grow, develop, and learn from each person that comes into our lives. Friends and family can be of great help after a breakup. They can provide companionship and help you stabilize as you move forward on your own.

Whether the relationship you left lasted a month, six months, a year or ten, the time and effort you put into your healing will provide you with peace and well being down the road.

Delivering Bad News

Monday, September 10th, 2012

Delivering bad news is never something we can’t wait to do and I don’t mean news re: the death of a loved one or re: illness. The type of bad news I’m referring to is the type where people lose the opportunity to benefit or gain in some way. This might be the loss of a new job, project, manager, client. It might be the loss of a promotion, money gifts, awards, government benefits, tenancy, property or another tangible. It might also be the loss of a relationship.

It’s hard to be the one whether professionally or personally who tells another person they’re not going to get something they want or that you no longer want the other person in your life. Being on the receiving end of this type of news can be devastating but what is worse is not getting the news first hand from the person who should be responsible for giving it.

Say you’re in a relationship and your partner just disappears. You receive no warning, no goodbye no nice knowing you, they’re just gone. You wonder and maybe imagine all sorts of things happened. You look for them or make countless phone calls but in the end you’re left with more than a few unknowns. (more…)

Pivotal Moments in Destructive Relationships

Sunday, May 27th, 2012

When you think about the pivotal moments in life the big ones come up first—graduating from high school, getting into college, graduating from college, getting the first job, meeting your life partner, marriage, buying a home, having children.

Those are definitely big moments but there are others happening daily which lead us toward or away from who we are as people. We can choose a path that leads us in a direction where although not perfect, we feel good about. It’s a place with people, choices, daily life, events, and opportunities that are in line with our values. Movement on this path may take on a two steps forward one step back characteristic. Instant gratification isn’t typically part of the landscape but when followed this path usually produces satisfying results.

We also have the option of a path which is more exploratory and quite different from what we’ve experienced. This is a tricky path to navigate because on one hand it is unfamiliar, on the other it is exciting interesting and fun. It can even feel like we’ve hit the jackpot and can’t believe our good fortune.

Relationships we develop down this lesser known path initially seem good. They start quickly and appear to be all we could hope for.  Yet after a little time we discover things we may have overlooked at the onset. We may experience a sinking feeling thinking we’re not good enough or exciting enough for a new partner who is suddenly restless. We don’t know what we did or didn’t do to get to this point but we’re scrambling to figure out what we can do to make things right. We might observe questionable behavior–like ranting or off the wall rudeness toward us or others. Decisions are made which don’t make sense.

When we question circumstances in these relationships we’re doing something good—we’re recognizing pivotal moments and it’s up to us to figure out what we’re going to do with the information we’ve been handed. Do we ignore it or do we take action by asking questions, listening, stating our feelings, and if necessary, leaving.

If you aren’t sure about a current relationship think about the following:

Question why you feel uneasy

Decide if you are willing to compromise your values to meet those of your partner.

Determine whether or not you can continue to live with the situation and the person. If you know you can’t let them know and exit.

Recognize if you’re saying you’re okay with things as they are but know deep down you’re not. It is not wise to accept the unacceptable to keep a relationship going.

Give yourself credit for knowing when a relationship is and  isn’t right for you.

 

Being Where You’re Supposed to be and Knocking on Doors

Friday, May 18th, 2012

Have you ever wondered if where you are is where you should be?

I mean, we can wonder about everything we do and the decisions we make as it relates to us and the truth is we’ll probably never know for sure if we’ve got it all exactly right. So if we weren’t where we are now, where else would we be? What would we do? Who would be in our lives? What would life look like?

We all have times when we question our direction. Yet if we are spiritual (and that is certainly different for everyone) have faith in that spirituality and are moving forward by living life in a way we feel good about, we’re most definitely on a positive path.

If I were homeless, with no means of support, no friends or family near by—I would have serious doubts about whether or not I was in the right place. In fact I’d make a point of doing whatever I could to change my situation by coming up with a plan and working on it daily.

There have been times in my life when I’ve faced setbacks and have struggled economically, emotionally, and spiritually. Each time has been frustrating primarily because I didn’t know for sure if the smart move was to stay on my current path or choose a different one.

Sometimes we are fearful or uncertain no matter what we do. The goal at this point is to move forward every single day by gathering information setting goals and eventually getting our nerve up to knock on a few doors. We might get to the first one and it slams in our face. That’s okay, we just try another one. If we get the same result we continue to try again and again and again.

Some decide it’s too discouraging so abandon knocking on any more doors. Others keep trudging on. Not giving up is the American way, right? Sure staying the course despite rejection builds character yet at some point it’s a good idea to step back and consider whether it’s possible we’re trying to open the wrong doors. (more…)

Hit & Miss versus Conscious & Intentional

Wednesday, January 25th, 2012

We are blessed to have the ability and freedom to make many choices in our daily lives. We decide what we’re going to do with each new day.

We also have the opportunity to make choices when it comes to dating. We might decide to meet new friends at a local club or other night spot. Maybe we take a class, learn to dance, or take part in sports activities in hopes of meeting new people. We can choose to search through online dating profiles and send a wink or drop a line. After all, we’re the choosers and we make choices!

Since we have the opportunity to make dating choices, how do we do it? Do we use a hit and miss selection process or do we make conscious and intentional choices? With hit and miss we may not dig too deep in our early screening process. We might be satisfied if the guy is attractive, charming, has sex appeal, and is employed. He might also have a great smile, is initially attentive, and seems witty and clever. We might think, okay—why not, let’s give it a shot! So we get involved quickly and two or three months down the road this man who was once hanging on our every word barely hears anything we say. He might even drop not so subtle hints he’s moving on by playing U2’s I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For when we’re within ear shot or maybe has disappeared altogether. Oh boy… (more…)

Don’t Beg for Love!

Wednesday, September 1st, 2010

I ran across this excellent post and strongly recommend it if you or someone you know is in the habit of begging for love.  http://bit.ly/cMPGZA

Time & Focus to Make the Decision to Leave

Monday, July 26th, 2010

There are a couple of  reasons people might stay in destructive relationships.

One being time and the other being focus.

You might think you want out but don’t have time to focus on the decision.

When are you going to take the time? It will take a concerted effort to leave and with each day full of routines and challenges that need to be attended to it’s sometimes hard to fully focus on your decision.

Another possible hurdle is if your partner senses you are having serious doubts about continuing and suddenly becomes more in tune with you and the relationship. You might think, how can I possibly leave now? You decide to stay to see if there is hope for the future.  You hope for the opportunity to move toward a working relationship and in some cases  things work out.

Other times the hope dies and you’re back where you were before the new hope cycle emerged. How many more hopeful cycles will you enjoy? How many more down cycles will you endure?

Eventually you may see the hopeful cycles shorter and the down cycles longer. That may be a signal that if you continue to ride this up and down roller coaster your physical mental and emotional well being will be seriously  affected and  in order to create a healthy life for yourself will need to focus on leaving for good.

If you need time in order to focus:

  1. Decide if you’re ready.
  2. Talk your decision over with someone you trust.
  3. Take the time you need to feel confident about your decision.
  4. Seek counseling if it will help you decide what to do.

The time you take is an investment in your future.

Stupidity

Sunday, June 27th, 2010

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are so confident while the intelligent are full of doubt.

— Bertrand Russell

A stupid person should keep silent. But if he knew this, he would not be a stupid person.

—  Muslih-ud-Din Saadi