Posts Tagged ‘great conversations’

Support

Wednesday, February 6th, 2013

Spend less time with critical people and more time with those who love and support you.

Talk is Not Cheap in Relationships

Wednesday, December 14th, 2011

You’ve most likely heard the expression talk is cheap. It definitely doesn’t apply to relationships. If anything it’s a commodity. Without talk a relationship is destined to die.

Sometimes, especially in the beginning, talk is hard to come by. People feel their way as they create conversation in order to find common ground. Some conversations last just a few seconds, simple words, light and breezy. Others can be meatier and last hours.

Talk is good.  Not necessarily idle chatter but sincere communication heals our souls and keeps the brain active and stimulated.

Talking about common interests, activities, current events, ideas, travel, dreams, goals, and plans usually put people at ease. When it gets right down to it, all of our relationships are a series of conversations.

Great relationships don’t just happen–they’re created and one of the primary ingredients is talk. Talk is wonderful music to the ears. It has great value. It’s like physical exercise—the more you do the better you get and the more you look forward to it.

If you find it tough to involve another person in conversation, keep trying. As the conversation starts to flow,  you’ll become more comfortable and start looking forward to it. If you run across someone who seems turned off by a meaningful exchange take note of it. If you are dating and conversation comes hard a safe bet is to ask the other person about themselves–most people love to talk about their views activities hobbies etc. Guard against overwhelming your partner. Too much question and answer conversation for hours at a time is too much to deal with. Shorter meaningful conversations have a greater impact over time.

To keep a relationship going keep the lines of communication flowing.

When It’s Your Time to Shine

Tuesday, July 13th, 2010

Don’t be late, don’t make excuses, and don’t let fear stand in your way. You never know when a golden moment will come your way–be ready!

More than a Haircut…

Sunday, June 20th, 2010

After work this past Friday I just knew I wouldn’t be going home until I got a haircut. I couldn’t stand it any more!! I was way past overdue and didn’t want to go home without one. Determined,  I set out to complete this task. I thought that perhaps Friday after 5 might not be the best time but figured it most likely wasn’t the worst either so stopped in at a local cut and go salon.

I walked in, put my name on the list, and was told my wait would be about 10 minutes. As I scanned the salon, there appeared to be three stylists working with other customers so I thanked her, sat down, relaxed, and opened a National Enquirer which I figured would be fun to read while I waited…

I don’t know if it was because I was so thoroughly engrossed in my reading or just brain dead after a long week but by the time I looked up at the clock it was pretty surprising to see that my 10 minute wait had turned into 30. I looked around and could see that the three stylists were still with the same customers–a couple of them sitting down right along with them chatting away!

I suddenly felt a wave of invisibility come over me. Did I exist? Was I really there waiting for a haircut? What the heck is going on? I thought–how much effort would it take for one of those stylists to come over or even look my way to let me know they hadn’t forgotten me and that someone would be with me shortly…

But that didn’t happen–even after steadily looking their way hoping for some eye contact. A few more minutes ticked by. I decided I was going to make my move: I was either going to stand up and ask how much longer or was going to walk out. I concluded that given the current situation, I was past the point of feeling this would be a satisfactory haircut experience. Even if they came up to me in the next 5 seconds I would most likely not be a happy customer because I felt ignored. So I got up, crossed my name off the list, and left. (more…)

Love in Your Heart

Sunday, June 20th, 2010

Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring.   –Oscar Wilde

On Making Mistakes…

Saturday, May 1st, 2010

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.      George Bernard Shaw

Choosers Don’t Need Babysitters

Tuesday, January 19th, 2010

I remember reading an online dating profile awhile back. The man said he was looking for a woman he didn’t have to baby-sit. He said the last woman he dated expected him to plan all their activities and pay for them. His take  was that all she had to do was show up. After reading what he wrote I thought, well, sure I’d want a dating partner who shared in the dating experience but then again I had to wonder what that particular woman’s view of dating this man would be.

Sometimes people we date want to make the plans. They want to pick the activity, place, time etc. They feel comfortable in the role of the planner. It could be that by doing so they don’t run as great a risk of the date being a flop. They are planning something they know they actually want to do. Women who spend time with male date planners might feel as if their suggestions fall on deaf ears. Maybe they think that since he asks them out it’s up to him to provide the itinerary. I can see where in some instances the man may feel as if he’s taking on the role of a babysitter but at the same time it’s easy to see why the woman settles into the role of a child. She wants to spend time with the man and knows it’s important to him to take part in activities he enjoys. Maybe she started out with great ideas and offered up a few suggestions only to have her ideas receive a lukewarm reception or worse yet, dismissed altogether. Maybe she thinks–if I want to keep seeing him I guess I’ll let him call the shots.

So the man gets frustrated and feels he’s being used. He figures there’s another partner out there who will help him out in the dating process so goes searching for another match. The woman he left is bewildered because she thought she was doing what he wanted by letting him make the plans.

Why do we lean toward giving control of our dating experiences to dating partners? Do we settle into this mode out of habit? Do men really want to make the plans or do they just  feel obligated to do so?

We’ve got to recondition the condition of our dating experiences. If we’re choosing who we date then we should also be fully participating when it comes to selecting the things we do on a date. How does another person get to know us if we let them do all the choosing for us? We learn a ton about their interests and level of competency in certain activities but we’ve got interests and competencies too; why not share them? If we feel shut down when offering up suggestions to a particular dating partner do we really want to date them? The dating relationship can only go so far if only one person is the chooser.

The Secret to Successful Relationships

Wednesday, December 9th, 2009

Have you ever been in a conversation where it was obvious the

other person couldn’t wait for you to finish talking in order to

say something? We all have I’m sure, and it’s not a great

feeling.

You see, relationships are like lengthy conversations. There is

a back-and-forth quality that needs to be there. If you focus

only on what’s in it for you rather than what you can

contribute, it’ll fall flat or end uncomfortably.

For any relationship to flourish and for personal growth to

occur for both parties, you need to put some effort into

understanding and meeting the other person’s wants and needs.

Often we hear what’s said, but we make sense of it from our own

subjective reality. For example, the phrase, “I’ll call you

soon,” may mean tomorrow for one person, but could mean sometime

in the next month for another. People interpret their

experiences differently and draw radically different conclusions

from the same set of circumstances. It’s for this reason that

misunderstandings and communication failures often spell doom

for developing relationships and resentments for established

ones.

Real success in life comes from the ability to understand

differing perceptions and from understanding and accepting that

others perceive the world differently than you do. It’s

important to learn how to decipher the other person’s code and

respond in kind.

First you need to be aware that not all people use the same

code. Then, you have to be interested in learning what the other

person’s code is. And finally, you’ll want to practice using

good communications skills – attentive listening, asking

questions and checking for clarification.

TAKE ACTION:

Think about the last time you got into a disagreement with

someone important to you. Did you feel heard? Were they (or

maybe you) busy trying to make a point, or were they actively

trying to listen to what you were saying?

Next time you catch yourself butting heads with someone, stop

trying to make your case. Make a point of pulling back and

actually hearing the other person’s point of view. Ask questions

to help you get clear, stay engaged and then take your turn to

share your point of view.

Stretching your understanding of different points of view is key

to improving communication, limiting conflict with others, and

building strong relationships. Limiting conflict with others

will give you more time for constructive interaction, enjoyable

relationships, and will decrease the stress in you life.

About the author:

Gary Jordan, Ph.D., has over 27 years of experience in clinical

psychology, behavioral assessment, individual development, and

coaching. He earned his doctorate in Clinical Psychology from

the California School of Professional Psychology – Berkeley.

He’s the co-founder of Vega Behavioral Consulting, Ltd., a

consulting firm that specializes in helping people discover

their true skills and talents. www.vrft.com