Have you ever been in a conversation where it was obvious the

other person couldn’t wait for you to finish talking in order to

say something? We all have I’m sure, and it’s not a great

feeling.

You see, relationships are like lengthy conversations. There is

a back-and-forth quality that needs to be there. If you focus

only on what’s in it for you rather than what you can

contribute, it’ll fall flat or end uncomfortably.

For any relationship to flourish and for personal growth to

occur for both parties, you need to put some effort into

understanding and meeting the other person’s wants and needs.

Often we hear what’s said, but we make sense of it from our own

subjective reality. For example, the phrase, “I’ll call you

soon,” may mean tomorrow for one person, but could mean sometime

in the next month for another. People interpret their

experiences differently and draw radically different conclusions

from the same set of circumstances. It’s for this reason that

misunderstandings and communication failures often spell doom

for developing relationships and resentments for established

ones.

Real success in life comes from the ability to understand

differing perceptions and from understanding and accepting that

others perceive the world differently than you do. It’s

important to learn how to decipher the other person’s code and

respond in kind.

First you need to be aware that not all people use the same

code. Then, you have to be interested in learning what the other

person’s code is. And finally, you’ll want to practice using

good communications skills – attentive listening, asking

questions and checking for clarification.

TAKE ACTION:

Think about the last time you got into a disagreement with

someone important to you. Did you feel heard? Were they (or

maybe you) busy trying to make a point, or were they actively

trying to listen to what you were saying?

Next time you catch yourself butting heads with someone, stop

trying to make your case. Make a point of pulling back and

actually hearing the other person’s point of view. Ask questions

to help you get clear, stay engaged and then take your turn to

share your point of view.

Stretching your understanding of different points of view is key

to improving communication, limiting conflict with others, and

building strong relationships. Limiting conflict with others

will give you more time for constructive interaction, enjoyable

relationships, and will decrease the stress in you life.

About the author:

Gary Jordan, Ph.D., has over 27 years of experience in clinical

psychology, behavioral assessment, individual development, and

coaching. He earned his doctorate in Clinical Psychology from

the California School of Professional Psychology – Berkeley.

He’s the co-founder of Vega Behavioral Consulting, Ltd., a

consulting firm that specializes in helping people discover

their true skills and talents. www.vrft.com