Posts Tagged ‘exhausted’

Self Soothing

Thursday, January 2nd, 2014

I used to spend a lot of time crying over men. I didn’t know the first thing about self soothing. I cried when I thought I’d done or said the wrong thing. Or he said or did something I felt wounded by. Or the relationship hit a bump or more than a bump and had fallen into a deep dark hole and was over. With these relationship upsets I did the two things I knew how to do:  become anxious and then cry.

I didn’t know how to calm my emotions without stirring them up into a frenzy first. I wasn’t aware that accepting my life even if it wasn’t what I wanted was healthier for me.

I have a vivid recollection of one of the last times I cried my head off over a man. Back in 2003 I sat in my car at a day park parking lot. The rain was pouring down on the car roof while I sat inside crying my eyes out. It was pathetic and deep down I knew it. I also knew that all the crying was hurting me rather than helping. The only benefit was that after crying in enough different relationship situations I realized I was wasting my time and energy.

I wasn’t a drinker, didn’t take drugs, gamble or have any of the usual addictive behaviors but was addicted nonetheless. I was addicted to suffering over relationships. I got enough out of bawling my head off that on a very basic level it worked. I got to feel self pity and relief when I’d finally cried myself out.  Yet crying isn’t a problem solving tactic in adulthood and it’s certainly not soothing. Whereas it’s a reflex for infants and small children when it comes to adult relationships it is a strong indicator of love addiction.

As adults we’re suppose to know that just because we want something doesn’t mean we’re going to get it or that just because we feel we’re deserving of a certain way of life, we’re going to have it in the here and now.

That’s when self soothing comes in handy.

Ways to Self Soothe

Listen to beautiful and soothing music

Have a special treat or meal. Eat it slowly savoring each bite.

Drink a warm drink like herbal tea.

Take a walk in a pretty area or go to a museum. Buy a flower or bouquet and put it where you’ll see it.

Take a bubble bath or pet your dog or cat. Put on a soft shirt or sink into a comfortable chair or bed.

Take in the smells around you–fry some bacon, bake bread, cookies, a cake. Smell coffee brewing. Light a scented candle.

If you look at relationship loss or single status as being part of your current life circumstances and guard against projecting what you wished you had you’ll be more accepting of your life in the here and now.

No Contact


Break the Silence

Wednesday, July 10th, 2013

No ContactDo you feel that you have been silenced? Do you want to break the silence?

When we let others drown out our voice we are silenced.

When we let others command our attention to the point where we are moved to silence, we lose our voice.

When we give up our voice because we are afraid or it’s not worth the energy it would take to stand up and be heard, we lose our voice.

We might quietly decide that our words have less value than those of a partner who is quicker to speak and louder than we are.

Those who speak quicker and louder do so to keep you silent.

Keeping their mouths open assures that yours stays shut.

Your voice needs to be heard.

Your voice will increase in volume once you allow it to be heard.

If you have been conditioned to be silent you must find the inner strength to overcome this conditioning. Practice daily stating your opinion. Offer your opinion up when you feel it is safe to do so.

Write daily in a diary writing about  how you feel re: issues that come up for you. Get used to looking to yourself for answers instead of believing that you can’t trust your decisions.

Slowly, as you begin to believe in your own value others around you will take notice.

Post a notice to yourself  where you will see it every day–I AM SMART STRONG & COURAGEOUS. I HAVE VALUE & I BELIEVE IN ME.  Incorporate this into your personhood. If it’s not safe to post this memorize and say to your self on a daily basis.

If you are feeling threatened bullied defeated and are giving up your voice for the sake of another please resist the urge to continue on in this manner.

For help please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

1.800. 799. SAFE (7233)

Weighted Down

Saturday, March 23rd, 2013

If you have ever experienced life as so heavy it feels like you will either suffocate or collapse from the load, you know the feeling of being weighted down.

When life becomes hard and heavy it can affect the way you carry yourself–you may feel the heaviness in your back and shoulders even though you aren’t physically straining yourself.

Your ability to think may be compromised. Your thoughts are scattered; it’s hard to focus. There are things that need to be done but you have no idea where to start or don’t have the energy to start.

You may notice the flatness in your voice or others may comment on it. You may still smile but it is often forced because you know that a smile will get you through the day better than a frown.

Deep down you realize you are not living the way you want to.

You are aware that things need to change but you don’t have any idea what to do to make it happen.

You are weighted down.

If you maintain status quo it is very likely that the weight you carry will continue and it will get harder and harder to feel relief. You can continue to lug it around for awhile maybe even years but unless you face that it exists the weight will drag you down in ways that hurt you emotionally mentally and physically.

If you believe the weight you carry is necessary in the present time and immediate future there are things you can do to lessen the load. Get assistance with the burden. Even a small reduction can make a difference.

Find a good massage therapist–seriously.

Seek counseling.

Find community assistance.

There are people who will offer guidance and even a listening ear.

Here are a couple of resources:

Don’t go it alone.