Posts Tagged ‘domestic violence’


Thursday, February 2nd, 2017

The following is a list of some of the ways “helping” systems, services, and providers re-victimize women who have experienced emotional, verbal, or physical violence.

  • We don’t believe her
  • We don’t recognize her strengths
  • We fail to realize her manipulative tendencies are survival skills.
  • We fail to realize her efforts to hide the violence are oftentimes her efforts to prevent his violence to her
  • We fail to realize her “dishonesty” to us can be an attempt to keep herself safer.
  • We question why she stayed in the relationship or returns to it.
  • We question her inconsistency and react to her not following through with goals, etc.
  • We fault her parenting
  • We “evaluate” her
  • We only like “good victims” and enlightened victims
  • We hold cultural biases: we are sexist, racist and homophobic
  • We take over her decisions for her life (more…)

It’s Not Easy but You Can do It!

Saturday, March 9th, 2013

The damage caused by domestic violence is written on the faces of the victims. It’s presence can be heard in the tone of voice. The heavy burden  seen in the slumped shoulders, hanging head, or vacant eyes.

If it goes on long enough and is severe enough the spirit of the person can be broken.

Years of stress, despair, defeat and heartache play havoc on the mind. Following written instuctions, learning new job skills, or even reading a book for enjoyment can become challenging to the point of total frustration. The background chatter in your head distracts you during times when focus is what is needed.

For those who have been accustom to abuse since childhood it’s not much of a stretch to become involved in destructive relationships as adults. If experiencing a gentle touch, warm  smile, or soothing voice was the exception rather than the rule not having warm and healthy relationships will feel normal accepted and even expected in adulthood.

The great news is that there is hope for men and women who have been abused to step out into their own light. I have heard from people who don’t believe this is possible. They feel they are doomed to continue down the path they are on. If your thinking is along this line please know that you can change your direction and your situation. Dig down deep; you can find the strength.

It is not not easy and not quick but you can do it.

If you are in or coming out of a destructive relationship seek information through a variety of resources. Life can get better. Seek out individuals you trust such as a parent, friend, guardian, sibling, minister, neighbor, or another person. Call your local domestic abuse hotline or call the national hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224. If you have decided to leave your situation remember that you must have a plan and if necessary contact local law enforcement.

Don’t settle for anything less than the best for you.





Resources for Survivors

Monday, January 21st, 2013

Abuse Survivors

Author: Dr Jeanne King PhD

Domestic Violence Help – The 5 Essential Resources for Domestic Abuse Survivors

Domestic violence help comes in all shapes and sizes. There is 
the crisis hot line to get you where you need to go ASAP. Then, 
there are the community domestic abuse support groups that
 assure you that “you are not alone.”

Your domestic violence shelter will give you all the resources 
for your immediate transition from the danger you live to safe 
housing. They may even have a domestic abuse legal advocate that 
will help you with your legal matters.

But what about your psychological care, who will tend to that?
 You can find a counselor or therapist with clinical background 
in domestic violence. Sometimes you may scratch your head 
wondering if you know more about domestic abuse than the 
therapist. Other times, you can hit the jackpot and find the
 professional health care provider that helps you usher yourself 
out of the darkness into the light.

Do you know the help you will want to secure in your quest to 
end domestic abuse? Do you know where you will find each piece
of the puzzle as you transition from being in an abusive
 relationship to reclaiming yourself and your life?

Far too often domestic violence survivors don’t really know what
 they need or where to find it when they need it most. The more 
homework you do up front, the better off you will be in the long run.

The following is intended to help you inventory your needs and
 prioritize your securing help in meeting these needs.

  1. Create an alliance with your local public abuse services for 
all immediate needs and steps to protect yourself from imminent
  2. Familiarize yourself with your residential options before you 
jump out of the “nest.”
  3. Compile your personal documents and get your finances in 
order as best as can be done, even though you may not be
 accustomed to finance management.
  4. Secure information and resources to help you obtain any
 protective orders you believe necessary to minimize conflict and 
danger by your abusive partner, especially upon and after your 
  5. Engage a healthcare provider that is knowledgeable about the
 psychological, social and legal aspects of domestic abuse to 
help your navigate from the chaos to closure.

As in any journey, once you get your ducks in a row and line up 
your resources and soldiers, you will move from point A to point
 B more successfully. Your planning is key to your designing your 
exit and the outcome of your departure.

About the author:

For more information and help in your planning, see domestic
violence resources. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people
 recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse at home and in

Copyright 2009

Domestic Violence Wheel

Tuesday, January 15th, 2013

Please read:

Suffering in Secret

Thursday, October 25th, 2012

Many of the victims of domestic violence don’t talk about it. They don’t want others to know and think they can deal with it on their own. In other words, they suffer in secret.



Leaving a Bad Relationship

Thursday, October 11th, 2012

Nearly eight years ago I walked away from a bad relationship. I had been warming up to the idea of leaving for about a year. I kept thinking of reasons to stay. I’d see a ray of hope and latch on clinging to it for days until the ray dimmed and the down cycle began again. I waited through each bad cycle hoping again for another glimmer to emerge. These cycles were my lot inside this particular relationship and it took me a long time to realize that all my hoping was doing nothing more than keeping me stuck. I had to get through enough of the up and down cycles until I “got it.” Eventually I understood that the relationship was nothing more than a series of very short good cycles and much longer bad ones.

It’s hard to give up hope when you care for someone. It is painful to face the reality of what is clearly a losing proposition. We all need hope in our lives; it keeps us going and encourages us to move forward yet we’ve all got to face that staying in a bad relationship is a waste of precious time. The relationship I had was never going to bring me anything different than what I’d already experienced–why in the world would I want that?

I knew it would be better for me to stop the cycles cut my losses and walk away. Yet what prevented me from leaving was my dread of facing the end. I didn’t look forward to the misery I was sure would follow; I didn’t want to experience the emptiness I was certain would be mine to come. Looking back, it’s like I stepped on a bee got stung wished later I’d been wearing shoes but continued to walk around barefoot.

So even though my immediate thought was to keep things status quo in order to avoid pain I knew that long term suffering would have been the outcome of staying.

With the breakup came wisdom, courage, and hope. This hope wasn’t misplaced; it was hard-won. I learned that any relationship is not better than no relationship. I also learned that healthy relationships require paying attention in all aspects of life. It’s not hard to make good relationship choices but it does take knowing what you will and won’t accept and sticking with it.

Abuse is Abuse in Fargo

Monday, October 8th, 2012


Thursday, October 4th, 2012

We all need to wake up to the issue of domestic violence. It doesn’t just effect a certain segment of the population. It is not a race class or gender issue. It is a community issue.

We all know or have known someone who has been a victim. We can watch for signs of abuse in a loved one and be available with open arms to reach out and hold them if they ask for it.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Top of mind awareness is needed in our communities across the country to do what we can to change the staggering statistics.  I don’t want to resign myself to every nine seconds as a given. Every nine seconds should never be a given!

Domestic Violence is a community issue. As a community we must confront it.

Every Nine Seconds

Tuesday, October 2nd, 2012

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.  Domestic Violence continues to be the leading cause of injury to women–more than car accidents, muggings and rapes combined.

Every nine seconds in the U.S., a woman is assaulted or beaten, according to Domestic Violence at

To join the fight domestic violence by donating funds or volunteering, visit The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence at

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Monday, October 1st, 2012

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Did you know that for one out of every four women in this country and 39% of all Native American Women the home is not a sanctuary-it is anything but safe. Please read the following: