Posts Tagged ‘destructive relationships’

Too Nice?

Monday, December 31st, 2012

From an early age we’re taught to be nice and play nice. Some of us learn this lesson very well. In fact, we tend to overlook poor behavior and/or physical/emotional abuse because we don’t believe we have the right to question things that are said or done.

There is a time for being nice and playing nice and yes, absolutely, we generally want to treat others with dignity and respect. But sometimes playing nice hurts and deeply affects not only us but our children and others we are close to. When we buy stock in the words and actions of a partner out of fear, intimidation, to have a roof over our head, or to keep our children clothed and fed we rob ourselves and families of dignity and hope for the present and the future.

Are you ever nice in order to keep people in your life?
Do you sometimes look the other way when you see an action or hear words that are not right or are cause for alarm?
Do you pretend that things are okay and go along with the status quo rather than take actions that may be uncomfortable but in the long run could help you?

I spent much of my life living in the too nice mode. I feared leaving or losing a partner because life without a partner was uncertain.The uncertainty of the future often kept me in the turmoil of the present. That present included people who behaved poorly and often mistreated me and my family. They were angry and frustrated and took their feelings out on others simply because they could get away with it.

Partners who hold you captive with words and actions hope you will continue to forgive them. They say sweet words when they believe you might leave. They might buy you nice things to distract and convince you it will never happen again.

But it usually does happen again in one way or another. You question whether what was done was really abuse. Maybe you’re just overreacting and things  aren’t that bad. Sometimes that is the case but pay attention to your gut; it knows.

Most of the time people who create havoc and craziness in relationships are damaged people who damage other people. They likely seek people they believe will lift their boundaries or discard them altogether.

When you live with the anything goes mentality you might question things that are said or done but usually go with the flow rather than disrupt it because you want to avoid confrontation. (more…)

Reprogram Your Self Talk

Saturday, September 29th, 2012

It is very easy to allow yourself to believe that life will not get better and that you do not have what it takes to move forward successfully in relationships, career, or in any other way.

Being in destructive relationships includes the one you’re in with yourself. When you have been put down, badgered, belittled, ignored, or physically, emotionally, mentally, or sexually abused, it is easy to believe that you cannot do anything right or are not as good as others.

It is easy to think this way because at some point in your life or maybe throughout life you have listened to others who have told you that you are some how defective or are missing something and because of this will always  fail.

If whatever you believe, whatever recording you play over and over in your mind is negative, that noise can be deafening.  Silence the noise by playing a new recording–one that is positive uplifting and accurate. Memorize this recording and play it loud. Write it out and stick it to a wall where you will see it every day.

Start playing the new recording today. Play it over and over until you believe it. When the old negative recording starts to creep back into your thoughts focus on drowning it out with the new vibrant positive one.

Instead of being your own worst enemy concentrate on being your best friend.

Seminar: Avoiding Destructive Relationships When Chronically ILL

Friday, August 31st, 2012

http://bit.ly/NY8Tam

You Might Love ‘Em but Do You Like ‘Em?

Wednesday, August 8th, 2012

Have you ever felt that although you feel love for your partner you really don’t like him or her?

You sure wouldn’t be alone.

It is not uncommon at times to dislike a partner–even a nice partner who treats you well. They could be having a bad day and/or are stressed or maybe both of you are out of sorts, that happens.  However if you’ve had or have a partner who is none too nice to begin with life can be hard on a regular basis.

Yesterday I went with my son to a local retail outlet to exchange an item. In front of us was another customer making a return. He tells the clerk he needs to exchange what he bought because his girlfriend’s idiot son broke it (fortunately neither the girlfriend or her son were with him.)

I immediately felt sorry for his girlfriend and her son. I wondered about this guy and how truly loving he could be to either of them. I thought well maybe she loves the guy but how easy is he to like?

There are things that eat away at people for sure but one of the hardest to take day in and out are the jabbing stabbing cruel things people say to those they are closest to. If this man referred to his gf’s child as an idiot to a stranger how would he address him at home?

A piggy bank comes to mind. When someone says something nice they deposit a coin. After enough coins get deposited and the bank is full they break it open and treat themselves. On the other hand, if cruel words are said a coin is taken out. If the cruel words outnumber the nice ones that bank isn’t going to fill up anytime soon.

How is it possible to like let alone love a person who is cruel to you, your children, your parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, or pets?  Words sting. You can pretend that words don’t hurt but deep down you”re not fooling anyone and especially not fooling yourself. Eventually love fades and is replaced by a ton of anger and resentment.

You don’t need it and neither do your loved ones.

So what do you do?

For starters you stop taking it.

Let the person know it’s not okay and you will no longer put up with it.

If it continues it’s up to you to decide if you can live another day or more the way you’re living now. Decide if it’s worth your health and that of your family.

As always, if you are in a violent relationship please seek the advice of a professional before making changes in your current situation.

National Domestic Violence Hotline  1-800-799-SAFE.

 

 

 

Cheaters

Monday, July 23rd, 2012

Cheaters are out there in full force. They may cheat out of desperation or feel they must cheat because not to takes too much time. Sometimes people cheat because they can’t help themselves. Whatever the reason, cheating will eventually catch up with them and when it does lives may be shattered and/or relationships broken beyond repair.

If you are involved with a cheater whether through business or in a personal relationship there is one of three ways you’ll discover the wrongdoing. They will either tell you to your face , you will discover it on your own, or someone else will step forward.

Once you know, your job is to decide what you are going to do about it.

For some the decision is easy–they get out. Maybe they’ve been suspicious for awhile and had enough time to process their decision.

Others are blindsided. They didn’t see it coming so aren’t immediately sure what their course of action will be. Only when they get their bearings do they decide what they will do.

Some people discover the cheating but choose to stay involved. This decision can be made because they choose to ignore the violation, feel they have too much invested emotionally and/or financially to leave or because they face the cheating head on and choose to work through the issues.

Whatever route you take one thing is for sure–cheating will change your life. Even when people choose to ignore cheating it takes energy to hold that violation deep inside. Don’t kid yourself, there won’t be too many days when you don’t wonder if and when it will happen again.

Next time:  You and the Cheater

 

High Profile Domestic Victim

Tuesday, July 17th, 2012

http://exm.nr/NosQEZ

Pivotal Moments in Destructive Relationships

Sunday, May 27th, 2012

When you think about the pivotal moments in life the big ones come up first—graduating from high school, getting into college, graduating from college, getting the first job, meeting your life partner, marriage, buying a home, having children.

Those are definitely big moments but there are others happening daily which lead us toward or away from who we are as people. We can choose a path that leads us in a direction where although not perfect, we feel good about. It’s a place with people, choices, daily life, events, and opportunities that are in line with our values. Movement on this path may take on a two steps forward one step back characteristic. Instant gratification isn’t typically part of the landscape but when followed this path usually produces satisfying results.

We also have the option of a path which is more exploratory and quite different from what we’ve experienced. This is a tricky path to navigate because on one hand it is unfamiliar, on the other it is exciting interesting and fun. It can even feel like we’ve hit the jackpot and can’t believe our good fortune.

Relationships we develop down this lesser known path initially seem good. They start quickly and appear to be all we could hope for.  Yet after a little time we discover things we may have overlooked at the onset. We may experience a sinking feeling thinking we’re not good enough or exciting enough for a new partner who is suddenly restless. We don’t know what we did or didn’t do to get to this point but we’re scrambling to figure out what we can do to make things right. We might observe questionable behavior–like ranting or off the wall rudeness toward us or others. Decisions are made which don’t make sense.

When we question circumstances in these relationships we’re doing something good—we’re recognizing pivotal moments and it’s up to us to figure out what we’re going to do with the information we’ve been handed. Do we ignore it or do we take action by asking questions, listening, stating our feelings, and if necessary, leaving.

If you aren’t sure about a current relationship think about the following:

Question why you feel uneasy

Decide if you are willing to compromise your values to meet those of your partner.

Determine whether or not you can continue to live with the situation and the person. If you know you can’t let them know and exit.

Recognize if you’re saying you’re okay with things as they are but know deep down you’re not. It is not wise to accept the unacceptable to keep a relationship going.

Give yourself credit for knowing when a relationship is and  isn’t right for you.

 

Stand By What You Want

Sunday, April 15th, 2012

One thing becomes clear for those of us who have spent a lifetime in destructive relationships.

We may not think about it every day. We may not ever even acknowledge that it is true.

Yet deep in the back of our minds we feel it.

We don’t think we deserve better.

We feel wanting a better life and more respectful relationships is asking too much.

We accept relationships on other people’s terms and even if we know we are being treated poorly we don’t stand up and tell other people how we feel and why.

We think if we tell others the way we want to be treated they will leave.

And the truth of the matter is~they might.

If you stand up to another person you are letting them know that you value your life and are willing to accept that you may stand alone.

Standing up to another person doesn’t mean you have to scream out profanities.

It doesn’t mean you have to bully or manipulate in order to be heard.

Standing up to another person means you firmly and respectfully tell them what you need and want and that’s it.

If they walk away you let them go. You don’t hold onto their shirttails as they leave begging and pleading with them that you didn’t mean it and will they please just stay.

You give them enough respect to let them do what they need to do and you go about the business of living your life.

Destructive relationships don’t just happen.

They’re created over time.

Great relationships don’t just happen.

They’re created over time.

Think about it.

Decide which you want.

It’s up to you.

 

Love Addiction

Thursday, April 12th, 2012

http://bit.ly/HtzFQf

Lexington Writer Publishes Book

Friday, January 6th, 2012

I ran across an article/press release about a book that might be of interest to readers. Please check out this link:

http://bit.ly/zWM0el