Posts Tagged ‘dating’

Choosers Don’t Want Babysitters

Tuesday, October 7th, 2014

I remember reading an online dating profile awhile back. The man said he was looking for a woman he didn’t have to baby-sit. He said the last woman he dated expected him to plan all their activities and pay for them. His take  was that all she had to do was show up. After reading what he wrote I thought, well, sure I’d want a dating partner who shared in the dating experience but then again I had to wonder what that particular woman’s view of dating this man would be.

Sometimes people we date want to make the plans. They want to pick the activity, place, time etc. They feel comfortable in the role of the planner. It could be that by doing so they don’t run as great a risk of the date being a flop. They are planning something they know they actually want to do. Women who spend time with male date planners might feel as if their suggestions fall on deaf ears. Maybe they think that since he asks them out it’s up to him to provide the itinerary. I can see where in some instances the man may feel as if he’s taking on the role of a babysitter but at the same time it’s easy to see why the woman settles into the role of a child. She wants to spend time with the man and knows it’s important to him to take part in activities he enjoys. Maybe she started out with great ideas and offered up a few suggestions only to have her ideas receive a lukewarm reception or worse yet, dismissed altogether. Maybe she thinks–if I want to keep seeing him I guess I’ll let him call the shots.

So the man gets frustrated and feels he’s being used. He figures there’s another partner out there who will help him out in the dating process so goes searching for another match. The woman he left is bewildered because she thought she was doing what he wanted by letting him make the plans.

Why do we lean toward giving control of our dating experiences to dating partners? Do we settle into this mode out of habit? Do men really want to make the plans or do they just  feel obligated to do so?

We’ve got to recondition the condition of our dating experiences. If we’re choosing who we date then we should also be fully participating when it comes to selecting the things we do on a date. How does another person get to know us if we let them do all the choosing for us? We learn a ton about their interests and level of competency in certain activities but we’ve got interests and competencies too; why not share them? If we feel shut down when offering up suggestions to a particular dating partner do we really want to date them? The dating relationship can only go so far if only one person is the chooser.

No Contact

Ending a Destructive Relationship

Monday, May 6th, 2013

Ten years ago I accepted an invitation to dinner with a man I was dating at the time. It was a warm Spring evening and he came to pick me up on his motorcycle. Once he got to my house, it didn’t take me long to realize he’d been drinking as I could smell it on his breath. Never-the-less,  I decided to get on the back of the bike and also chose to leave without two items I almost always take with me–my purse and phone.

Once we got to the restaurant and sat down he ordered drinks. I got a familiar sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach but chose to ignore it opting instead to go with the flow which was standard for me in this particular relationship.  After downing several beers he became obnoxiously loud and  rude with the waitperson who was serving us so was escorted out the door. I got up and walked out behind them. There were many thoughts spinning around in my head not the least of which was frustration with the fact that I was dealing with this situation at all.

Once outside the restaurant he went to get his bike and although I was used to going with the flow, I knew there was no way I would this time.

He pulled up to where I stood expecting me to hop on but I told him no. Agitated, he  said “get on the bike now!” And again I affirmed I wasn’t going to.  After a few more go-rounds of his insistence and my refusal he left. And there I stood no purse, no money, no phone and no ride home. I’m not sure why, but I elected not to go back in the restaurant to make a phone call maybe because I was too embarrassed or maybe because I just wanted to be alone. Whatever the reason, I started walking home–all twelve miles. (more…)

A New Relationship on the Heels of an Old One

Wednesday, April 17th, 2013

Sometimes people leave one relationship and before you know it, have entered a new one. Being barely out of one relationship and then sliding into a new one is a slippery slope to climb. It’s hard to be emotionally available for a new partner when there hasn’t been enough time to move past the old one.

Where is the breathing room? What happens to the time it takes to think and heal?

It may be uncomfortable to be without a partner but feeling your way along–alone for awhile is not a bad thing. It takes time patience and a willingness to face loss in order to heal. There isn’t a need to bring another person into the picture to help you through the process. A new relationship partner just adds another layer you’re not ready for. Any new person you meet may wonder why you even find it necessary to start something new so soon.

Healing happens over time. Rushing into new relationships postpones healing.

It doesn’t matter if the relationship left was the world’s worst—healing is still necessary.

It doesn’t matter if the relationship was loveless—there still needs to be time to understand why you were there.

Consider the time you spend without a relationship as an investment in you. Healing makes us stronger and wiser. We grow, develop, and learn from each person that comes into our lives. Friends and family can be of great help after a breakup. They can provide companionship and help you stabilize as you move forward on your own.

Whether the relationship you left lasted a month, six months, a year or ten, the time and effort you put into your healing will provide you with peace and well being down the road.

Take More Time to Pay Attention in Conversations with Others

Friday, February 8th, 2013

If we take more time to pay attention to our thoughts when in conversations with others we’re less likely to have conversations with abusers and in turn develop relationships with them. If a small voice inside you warns you, listen to the warning.

Dating Red Flag Reminders

Monday, September 24th, 2012

It never hurts to be reminded of dating red flags especially early on in a new relationship when we might be inclined to overlook things we shouldn’t. Here are some good reminders:

http://huff.to/RBOMun

Cheaters

Monday, July 23rd, 2012

Cheaters are out there in full force. They may cheat out of desperation or feel they must cheat because not to takes too much time. Sometimes people cheat because they can’t help themselves. Whatever the reason, cheating will eventually catch up with them and when it does lives may be shattered and/or relationships broken beyond repair.

If you are involved with a cheater whether through business or in a personal relationship there is one of three ways you’ll discover the wrongdoing. They will either tell you to your face , you will discover it on your own, or someone else will step forward.

Once you know, your job is to decide what you are going to do about it.

For some the decision is easy–they get out. Maybe they’ve been suspicious for awhile and had enough time to process their decision.

Others are blindsided. They didn’t see it coming so aren’t immediately sure what their course of action will be. Only when they get their bearings do they decide what they will do.

Some people discover the cheating but choose to stay involved. This decision can be made because they choose to ignore the violation, feel they have too much invested emotionally and/or financially to leave or because they face the cheating head on and choose to work through the issues.

Whatever route you take one thing is for sure–cheating will change your life. Even when people choose to ignore cheating it takes energy to hold that violation deep inside. Don’t kid yourself, there won’t be too many days when you don’t wonder if and when it will happen again.

Next time:  You and the Cheater

 

High Profile Domestic Victim

Tuesday, July 17th, 2012

http://exm.nr/NosQEZ

Self-Belief in New Relationships

Wednesday, July 11th, 2012

Half the battle when developing great relationships is taking enough time to develop a strong relationship with yourself first. Do you have self-belief?

Are you growing yourself as an individual? Do you believe in your ability to be successful? Do you believe in your ability to make good decisions? Do you trust your instincts?

If you don’t believe in yourself how will you maintain strong relationships with others?

It is relatively easy to say “I believe in myself.” It is harder to live life each day with self-belief. It is difficult to stand by an opinion when others disagree but if you sincerely believe in your opinion why go along with others if in reality you don’t agree with what they say?

Solid relationships develop over time. Starting out a new relationship without self-belief makes you vulnerable to accepting and believing that your partner’s likes wants needs and opinions  are exactly like your own even when they’re not. Say your new friend loves red meat and eats it regularly. You on the other hand don’t care for it and rarely eat it. Are you more likely to say you love red meat even if you don’t or admit that you don’t care much for it? Say he loves science fiction movies and has a collection he watches over and over again. You on the hand love comedies and only occasionally watch anything else. Do you hide that difference or bring it out in the open?

Owning up to who you are won’t make or break a viable relationship. Standing by your true self and believing in your abilities will enhance your relationships with others. Sure, we want to respect individual differences in others but not to the point where we disregard our own. Who we are and what we think separates us from the pack.

Pivotal Moments in Destructive Relationships

Sunday, May 27th, 2012

When you think about the pivotal moments in life the big ones come up first—graduating from high school, getting into college, graduating from college, getting the first job, meeting your life partner, marriage, buying a home, having children.

Those are definitely big moments but there are others happening daily which lead us toward or away from who we are as people. We can choose a path that leads us in a direction where although not perfect, we feel good about. It’s a place with people, choices, daily life, events, and opportunities that are in line with our values. Movement on this path may take on a two steps forward one step back characteristic. Instant gratification isn’t typically part of the landscape but when followed this path usually produces satisfying results.

We also have the option of a path which is more exploratory and quite different from what we’ve experienced. This is a tricky path to navigate because on one hand it is unfamiliar, on the other it is exciting interesting and fun. It can even feel like we’ve hit the jackpot and can’t believe our good fortune.

Relationships we develop down this lesser known path initially seem good. They start quickly and appear to be all we could hope for.  Yet after a little time we discover things we may have overlooked at the onset. We may experience a sinking feeling thinking we’re not good enough or exciting enough for a new partner who is suddenly restless. We don’t know what we did or didn’t do to get to this point but we’re scrambling to figure out what we can do to make things right. We might observe questionable behavior–like ranting or off the wall rudeness toward us or others. Decisions are made which don’t make sense.

When we question circumstances in these relationships we’re doing something good—we’re recognizing pivotal moments and it’s up to us to figure out what we’re going to do with the information we’ve been handed. Do we ignore it or do we take action by asking questions, listening, stating our feelings, and if necessary, leaving.

If you aren’t sure about a current relationship think about the following:

Question why you feel uneasy

Decide if you are willing to compromise your values to meet those of your partner.

Determine whether or not you can continue to live with the situation and the person. If you know you can’t let them know and exit.

Recognize if you’re saying you’re okay with things as they are but know deep down you’re not. It is not wise to accept the unacceptable to keep a relationship going.

Give yourself credit for knowing when a relationship is and  isn’t right for you.

 

Being Where You’re Supposed to be and Knocking on Doors

Friday, May 18th, 2012

Have you ever wondered if where you are is where you should be?

I mean, we can wonder about everything we do and the decisions we make as it relates to us and the truth is we’ll probably never know for sure if we’ve got it all exactly right. So if we weren’t where we are now, where else would we be? What would we do? Who would be in our lives? What would life look like?

We all have times when we question our direction. Yet if we are spiritual (and that is certainly different for everyone) have faith in that spirituality and are moving forward by living life in a way we feel good about, we’re most definitely on a positive path.

If I were homeless, with no means of support, no friends or family near by—I would have serious doubts about whether or not I was in the right place. In fact I’d make a point of doing whatever I could to change my situation by coming up with a plan and working on it daily.

There have been times in my life when I’ve faced setbacks and have struggled economically, emotionally, and spiritually. Each time has been frustrating primarily because I didn’t know for sure if the smart move was to stay on my current path or choose a different one.

Sometimes we are fearful or uncertain no matter what we do. The goal at this point is to move forward every single day by gathering information setting goals and eventually getting our nerve up to knock on a few doors. We might get to the first one and it slams in our face. That’s okay, we just try another one. If we get the same result we continue to try again and again and again.

Some decide it’s too discouraging so abandon knocking on any more doors. Others keep trudging on. Not giving up is the American way, right? Sure staying the course despite rejection builds character yet at some point it’s a good idea to step back and consider whether it’s possible we’re trying to open the wrong doors. (more…)