Posts Tagged ‘concerted effort’

Anxiety After a Break-up

Sunday, April 22nd, 2012

Dealing with the anxiety after a break-up takes a lot of effort. Your mind wanders–usually back to what went wrong, how things might have worked out etc.

Your anxiety can ultimately send you into a tailspin if you allow it. It takes concerted effort and self-discipline to resist the downward spiral.

Take each and every day one step at a time. Sleep, stare at your ceiling, read, do puzzles, rent movies, sip tea, talk to your dog or cat. Talking to our animals can be so therapeutic because even though they don’t know what you’re saying they look as though they do and really do want you to feel better.

Anxiety wears you down. There’s no use in forcing yourself not to think about the break-up–you will and need to. However, discipline yourself to limit the time you spend rehashing the details.  Set reasonable limits when it comes to thinking about it–say 10 minutes at a time.

If you feel that your anxiety is distracting you from your day to day life you may need to seek professional help.

Here is a link to a help guide for anxiety:



3am Conversations Create More Problems Than are Solved

Monday, December 19th, 2011

Have you ever had the urge to have a conversation with your partner in the wee hours of the morning?

Have you had concerns about the kids, job, school, your partner, anything that has bothered you to the point where it affects your sleep? If so–you’re not alone. I’m guilty of this as are many others.

Why do we do it?

According to Ralph Downey III, PhD, director of the Sleep Disorders Center at Loma Linda University in California insomnia fuels a cycle of anxiety which results in our catastrophizing at 3am . Say, for example, you have a 9am interview. You go to bed but toss and turn for an hour. You wake up at 3am with nervous thoughts about the interview. Your anxiety spreads to all the other things you need to do the next day.

For me, there were issues about my marriage and the option was not available to discuss these issues with my partner during day time or evening hours.

The lesson I learned: If the only time available for conversation is in the middle of the night I rob not only myself but another person of needed sleep. If the only available time for conversation is during normal sleeping hours, the reality is that there is no time available for conversation.

Ideally life conversations need to happen when you and your partner are fully awake and willing. If you feel that despite concerted effort on your part you can not have a conversation with your spouse then you’ve got a decision to make.

Conversation is vital to your relationship. Without it both you and your partner will feel cheated. Eventually the relationship will die or you will stay together but wish you weren’t as you will merely exist in each others space.

Steps You Can Take to Create Conversation:

Let your spouse know you would like to have a conversation.

Set a date and time that is mutually agreeable and meet at that time.

If it has been awhile since the two of you have had a conversation put a time limit on it. Say 30 minutes. When that 30 minutes is up end the conversation and set a date for the next one. In the beginning allow at least one full day between conversations. When you do this you give each other time to think about the previous conversation as well as the next one. If you both want to increase the amount of time spent during conversation make sure the decision is mutual.

While in Conversation Do the Following:

State the issue at hand from your perspective.

Be specific–not vague. Your partner will appreciate your directness. Remember you’ve only got a total of 30 minutes which means approximately 15 minutes each. Your partner is not a mind reader–be as clear as you can.

Once you have stated the issue at hand from your perspective it is your partner’s turn to respond.

Don’t interrupt your partner.

If the conversation begins to feel uncomfortable for either or both of you end it. Walk away before tempers flare.

Always aim for respect in conversation.

If you feel that your relationship is beyond the point where you can have  mutually respectful interaction–don’t attempt it without seeking professional intervention as soon as possible.

We all have occasional wakeful times in the middle of the night that keeps us from normal sleep.  However, when you see that anxiety disrupts your normal sleep pattern and you are waking your partner in the process you need to take action quickly as it doesn’t take long for insomnia to get out of hand.

Sleep is precious as are our relationships.





Time & Focus to Make the Decision to Leave

Monday, July 26th, 2010

There are a couple of  reasons people might stay in destructive relationships.

One being time and the other being focus.

You might think you want out but don’t have time to focus on the decision.

When are you going to take the time? It will take a concerted effort to leave and with each day full of routines and challenges that need to be attended to it’s sometimes hard to fully focus on your decision.

Another possible hurdle is if your partner senses you are having serious doubts about continuing and suddenly becomes more in tune with you and the relationship. You might think, how can I possibly leave now? You decide to stay to see if there is hope for the future.  You hope for the opportunity to move toward a working relationship and in some cases  things work out.

Other times the hope dies and you’re back where you were before the new hope cycle emerged. How many more hopeful cycles will you enjoy? How many more down cycles will you endure?

Eventually you may see the hopeful cycles shorter and the down cycles longer. That may be a signal that if you continue to ride this up and down roller coaster your physical mental and emotional well being will be seriously  affected and  in order to create a healthy life for yourself will need to focus on leaving for good.

If you need time in order to focus:

  1. Decide if you’re ready.
  2. Talk your decision over with someone you trust.
  3. Take the time you need to feel confident about your decision.
  4. Seek counseling if it will help you decide what to do.

The time you take is an investment in your future.