Posts Tagged ‘communication’

Standing in a Sinkhole

Saturday, September 29th, 2018

No ContactIf you’re standing in a sinkhole sticking around long enough to be fully encapsulated shouldn’t be an option. Intimate partner relationships take work but if your voice is not heard how are you going to be heard? If you’re scared what will it take to feel safe?

When circumstances continue to spiral down you know it.

Do you feel there is hope that the situation can change?

Is there pushing, shoving, hitting, biting, tripping, slapping or any other form of physical abuse? Is a relationship partner ignoring disregarding or undermining or doesn’t want to spend time with you? Is there financial deprivation? If you feel your circumstances are situational what will it take to turn things around? If you’re situation hasn’t escalated to the point where there is physical violence do you fear it will get that way in the future?

Be honest with yourself. We usually know deep down when a relationship has potential and when it does not. Are you communicating with your partner letting them know how you feel? Do you feel safe enough to communicate with your partner?

Your first job is to take care of you. Once you crawl out of the sinkhole the pieces your life will begin to fall into place. This can only happen through honest communication with your partner and a willingness by both of you to create change. If that is not possible the other alternatives are to stay with the status quo or remove yourself from the relationship. If you know that communicating your needs isn’t safe you either keep silent and stay or find a way out.

To seek help contact the Domestic Abuse National Hotline:

1-800-799-7233

1-800-787-3224 TTY

The National Sexual Assault Hotline

1-800-656-4673

Vulnerable People

Saturday, July 16th, 2016

No ContactVulnerable people need advocates. Without advocates they will get taken advantage of time and time again.

Some years ago I used to think I was helping my disabled son by giving him the independence he so fiercely desired.

His desire to find a romantic relationship led him to a dating website with many young women some of whom had questionable motives. My son who is a people pleaser, accommodator, and very trusting individual met a woman on one of these sites who apparently felt she had found a sucker and took full advantage of it.

She will never know the anguish she caused my son and me and it is doubtful she would care but for a person who lives on social security and a small monthly wage the loss of nearly $1000 in income as well as a stolen phone and vehicle resulted in the loss of a vital means of communication and transportation. On top of that were impounding fees, re-keying locks, finance fees, and the inability to pay monthly bills including rent, food, utilities, and other expenses. This particular young woman asked my son for money repeatedly and he obliged. She told him of her various needs and because my son trusted her he gave her money he couldn’t afford to give.

As a result of this experience I learned more fully that I needed to pay attention to what my son says or doesn’t say and his moods on a daily basis.

If he was suddenly withdrawing from family by not returning phone calls and not communicating on a regular basis that was a red flag.

My son grew much stronger as a result of the experience.

He told me he trusted this particular woman because she came across as a sweet person. He has since learned that people can pretend to be anything they think you want them to be if it means they get what they want in return.

We should all be cautious when communicating with anyone on an online dating website or any other site. There are good people on these sites but there are also predators and they  don’t care about you or what you need. They care about what they can get from you. Your number one concern should be protecting yourself and YOUR needs not those of people you don’t know.

The tricky thing is, you can’t always tell the good ones from the predators and it can take a long time to figure out the difference. Bad people don’t necessarily look bad they pretty much look like good people and it takes much interaction to know the difference.

When You Don’t Have Power

Sunday, January 26th, 2014

When you’re in a relationship where the distribution of power is lopsided, the person with little or no power becomes even more powerless by silencing their own voice.

You don’t intentionally stop talking. There is a freeze that happens. This freeze causes you to have great difficulty gathering your thoughts and speaking when in communication with a person whom you see as having more power than you. Remember–they have more power because you have turned your power over to them.

When trying to communicate  with a person who you have given your power to:

Take a breath and gather your thoughts.

Make eye contact.

Say what you need to say; keep it brief.

The more you speak up; the more confident you will become.

People who have the power are not typically good listeners. They will look down, walk away, do something else, but not usually interested in listening to anyone other than themselves.

Don’t chase after them to talk to them. Chasing is like begging–begging for time and attention.

As you speak up and reclaim your power you will decide if it is worth your time to communicate with this person.

You are responsible for your life and the direction it will take.

If you are not safe to have a conversation with the other person and reclaim your power please seek help.

http://www.thehotline.org/

No Contact

 

 

 

 

 

Talk is Not Cheap in Relationships

Wednesday, December 14th, 2011

You’ve most likely heard the expression talk is cheap. It definitely doesn’t apply to relationships. If anything it’s a commodity. Without talk a relationship is destined to die.

Sometimes, especially in the beginning, talk is hard to come by. People feel their way as they create conversation in order to find common ground. Some conversations last just a few seconds, simple words, light and breezy. Others can be meatier and last hours.

Talk is good.  Not necessarily idle chatter but sincere communication heals our souls and keeps the brain active and stimulated.

Talking about common interests, activities, current events, ideas, travel, dreams, goals, and plans usually put people at ease. When it gets right down to it, all of our relationships are a series of conversations.

Great relationships don’t just happen–they’re created and one of the primary ingredients is talk. Talk is wonderful music to the ears. It has great value. It’s like physical exercise—the more you do the better you get and the more you look forward to it.

If you find it tough to involve another person in conversation, keep trying. As the conversation starts to flow,  you’ll become more comfortable and start looking forward to it. If you run across someone who seems turned off by a meaningful exchange take note of it. If you are dating and conversation comes hard a safe bet is to ask the other person about themselves–most people love to talk about their views activities hobbies etc. Guard against overwhelming your partner. Too much question and answer conversation for hours at a time is too much to deal with. Shorter meaningful conversations have a greater impact over time.

To keep a relationship going keep the lines of communication flowing.

Communication is Key

Friday, September 2nd, 2011

Communication is the key to all great relationships–especially those we have with ourselves.

Feedback

Saturday, June 11th, 2011

What is the shortest word in the English language that contains the letters: abcdef? Answer:  feedback. Don’t forget that feedback is one of the essential elements of good communication.

More than a Haircut…

Sunday, June 20th, 2010

After work this past Friday I just knew I wouldn’t be going home until I got a haircut. I couldn’t stand it any more!! I was way past overdue and didn’t want to go home without one. Determined,  I set out to complete this task. I thought that perhaps Friday after 5 might not be the best time but figured it most likely wasn’t the worst either so stopped in at a local cut and go salon.

I walked in, put my name on the list, and was told my wait would be about 10 minutes. As I scanned the salon, there appeared to be three stylists working with other customers so I thanked her, sat down, relaxed, and opened a National Enquirer which I figured would be fun to read while I waited…

I don’t know if it was because I was so thoroughly engrossed in my reading or just brain dead after a long week but by the time I looked up at the clock it was pretty surprising to see that my 10 minute wait had turned into 30. I looked around and could see that the three stylists were still with the same customers–a couple of them sitting down right along with them chatting away!

I suddenly felt a wave of invisibility come over me. Did I exist? Was I really there waiting for a haircut? What the heck is going on? I thought–how much effort would it take for one of those stylists to come over or even look my way to let me know they hadn’t forgotten me and that someone would be with me shortly…

But that didn’t happen–even after steadily looking their way hoping for some eye contact. A few more minutes ticked by. I decided I was going to make my move: I was either going to stand up and ask how much longer or was going to walk out. I concluded that given the current situation, I was past the point of feeling this would be a satisfactory haircut experience. Even if they came up to me in the next 5 seconds I would most likely not be a happy customer because I felt ignored. So I got up, crossed my name off the list, and left. (more…)