Posts Tagged ‘afraid’

The Pretenders

Monday, July 17th, 2017

No ContactBeing a pretender is not who any of us want to be or set out with the intention to be yet sometimes we become one because we’re too afraid to face the consequences if we’re not.

I know what it’s like to be a pretender; I spent way too many years of my childhood and much of my adulthood being one. I like others didn’t want to be this way but became this way because to live fully and honestly in my own truth would have meant abuse or near certain abandonment.

As a child there isn’t a lot of choice unless there is a supportive person to listen and help. Otherwise kids will stumble through their growing up years and then figure out a way to make their way into adulthood. It is no easy road and is often filled with depression and despair.

As adults when in relationships, pretenders are very good at keeping the peace because they look the other way when faced with a situation which should call for confrontation. For a pretender, looking the other way when faced with abusive, amoral, unethical, or untruthful behavior is par for the course. Deep down they always know they have two choices. One, they can accept their partner’s behavior as is or two, they can stand up to their partner and tell them what they know to be the truth, how this makes them feel, and what their next action is going to be.

For a true pretender, the thought of confronting their partner is more than they want to deal with or are too afraid to for their health and safety and possibly that of their children. They also likely have an overwhelming fear of abandonment which makes leaving even an abusive situation terrifying. In any case, they have conditioned themselves to look the other way or throw a deaf ear to anything they know deep down is not right.

This is a big problem for the pretender because in the beginning of the relationship they believe their partner is the real deal–that this person is wholesome and honest, kind and considerate. It is only after enough time has gone by that the facade begins to slip and the relationship partner presents to be exactly who they really are. This is devastating because by this time they’re too far into the relationship and have developed a defining bond with and truly love their partner.

One thing I know to be true: None of us are going to pretend our way into a better life; it’s just not going to happen.

What we can do is: Stop participating and start showing up for ourselves. None of us are meant to just survive life and our relationships. We are truly meant to thrive.

If you or a loved one are in a destructive relationship please seek help. Domestic Abuse Hotline:
1-800-799-7233.

Agoraphobia

Sunday, November 20th, 2016

If you fear leaving your house–agoraphobia–you are not alone. It’s okay to be afraid but don’t let that fear win out. Don’t  say, I can’t do it because I’m afraid. Say, I’m afraid but I know it’s not good for me to stay in my house so I’m going to get out. The effort that it takes to leave is worth it. If you are depressed try this–get up, open the front door, and walk outside. Look up at the sky, look down at the ground. Take a breath. Being outside is so helpful when it comes to reframing the way you feel. It is a simple yet very effective way to feel better.

If physical pain or depression prevents you from leaving your home combat it. See your physician, mental health specialist, or another professional you trust. As long as you have the ability or have another person who can help you leave your home you will increase your quality of life by doing so.

http://bit.ly/2gbJtaw

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The Accommodater

Tuesday, December 8th, 2015

If you’re the accommodater you’re pretty well set on accommodating other people.

When you accommodate you stop being genuine.

If you worry about how another person feels as it relates to every little action you take you create an imbalance of power.

For example, another person may make a comment about what you’re doing or not doing as it relates to them….maybe they want you to stop whatever it is you’re doing and do what they want you to do.

If you are in the middle of an activity you don’t need to make excuses for doing what you’re doing and you don’t need to stop what you’re doing because another person implies that you should.

It is pretty darn liberating to say no.

Yes, is easy. Yes is always easy.

Yes is accommodating, it’s pleasing, it makes everything nice and neat and without conflict.

No is harder, always harder.

No goes against, is different from and is in total conflict with.

When you mean no, say no. If you say yes but you really mean no you’re lying to yourself and the other person.

You’re being genuine when you need to be; you’re honoring your individuality.

Just do it.

You’ll be glad you did.

Note: If you’re in a domestic violence situation please seek help.

http://www.thehotline.org/

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Take a Leap

Thursday, September 25th, 2014

A few years back a friend gave me some advice about taking a leap in terms of a decision I’d been pondering for some time. When I make a big decision I like to get information–as much as possible because I want to be sure that at the end of the day I’m satisfied that I’ve done my homework. Venturing into unknown territory is something I don’t take lightly yet I have to admit that over the past 10 years I’ve spent quite a bit of time doing just that.

If you’re contemplating a change have done your homework and feel that you’ve got your questions answered yet still struggle to make a yes or no decision maybe the following will help:

When you dip your toe into a pool to test the temperature you can’t be sure that the water is the same temperature two feet below the surface but you have to trust in your experience that it usually is and take the leap.

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Do it Scared

Wednesday, December 18th, 2013

Recently my business coach sent his students this true story. I think it’s message is pretty powerful!

“Do It Scared!”

I once heard a true story of a woman who was trapped in a burning building on the 80th floor. She had an intensive fear of heights and also an intensive fear of closed in spaces so when the fire alarm went off she absolutely refused to follow her colleagues into the stairwell to evacuate to safety.

She could not handle the thought of going down the stairs being able to look down in the middle all the way to the bottom. And the thought of being trapped inside the enclosed stairwell was just too much to endure and so instead she made a conscious choice to hide under her desk and wait to die.

Until some firemen made it up to her floor and were doing a sweep of the building when they found her in time to where they could still get her out. They told her she would have to take the stairs or she would surely burn alive in the flames. And yet she still wanted to choose death over facing her fear!

Finally a fireman grabbed her and picked her up and started dragging her towards the stairs. She wouldn’t stop kicking and screaming “I’m scared! I don’t want to because I’m scared!” And he couldn’t get her to go anywhere until he said these magical words to her “That’s ok, do it scared.

“Do it scared. Do it scared. It’s ok to be scared just do it scared.” He kept saying it into her ear as he rushed her all the way down 80 flights of stairs. “Do it scared. It’s ok to be scared just do it scared.”

Reportedly as the woman and the firefighter finally burst out the bottom doors just seconds before the building became an engulfed inferno she said the bright light of outside was also the exact moment of an epiphany for her life. She could hear the firefighter’s voice in her ear, “Do it scared. Do it scared. No problem, just do it scared.” The phrase saved her life physically but it also transformed her life emotionally. The catch phrase became her life mantra and she went on to live a completely different life after that.

Don’t you have times like that in your life? Where you know what the obvious move to make is but somehow you find this evil force holding you back because of a violently detailed fear? Don’t you sometimes have people trying to drag you down the path that will save your life? Isn’t it sometimes obvious that you have to take the stairs, yet the fear grips you and causes you to choose convenience and safety over life?

Do it scared. It’s fine to be scared – do it scared. It’s fine to be unsure – do it unsure. It’s fine to be uncomfortable – do it uncomfortable. Just do it scared. That is the attitude of the most disciplined and successful people on the planet. They just do it scared, if they have to. But they do it anyways.

Do it scared.

You are going to develop the habit of acting in the face of fear. You are going to create movement and momentum. You are going to get closer to your fear so that you can understand it and overcome it. You will act and you will have life!

http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=Lo4oM&m=43v0ajVVq8ZQjMM&b=yt6MsT6ae7isnCBpOCZ.fA

 

 

 

 

 

Coming Out of a Mousehole

Monday, September 9th, 2013

No ContactThirteen years ago I came out of the mousehole I’d been living in. Back then I viewed being in my mouse- hole as safe and feared being away from its confines  for more than a short time. I put up a good front for my family and friends but that is really all it was.

I was skiddish and jumpy most of the time and questioned many of the decisions I made. I stayed in a destructive marriage because I was absolutely convinced I would not make it without that relationship. I believed what he told me to the point that I considered it not just his truth but the only truth. I really didn’t question his opinion of who I was and what would happen to me. It took a long time to turn a corner in my thinking but when I finally did I got a glimpse of the light outside that hole and liked it.

I found the outside world wasn’t as frightening as I’d conjured it up to be. The hole was safe in some ways but in other ways it was suffocating. Inside that hole I didn’t feel I had much value although it felt familiar. What led me to crawl out was the realization that the longer I stayed the harder it would be to ever leave. The false sense of safety inside that hole would keep me there permanently if I didn’t make a move. My children had the right to have a mother who was clear thinking and unafraid. They needed someone who they felt would have their backs instead of someone who shriveled into the background of their lives.

One day I left that mousehole for good. At first it felt abnormal like I was in someone else’s life but each day I gained momentum and was forced to make decisions–good and not so good ones. Over time I got more confident about figuring things out and learned that my instincts were right on–I just needed to trust them.

I also developed the ability to be strategic focused and purposeful  in order for life to flow well for me and my children. I became more visible to my sons, my parents, my friends and most of all to myself. As a mousehole person I’d shied away from visibility. After leaving I learned that I had to stand in the forefront of my own life–no one else could do that for me.

Looking back, I see that the mousehole served a purpose–for awhile. We all need a space–a place where we can go for refuge, to be still, quiet, alone, at peace and to rest. That is a given. What I needed to give up was a hole–one that I sunk down into because I was too afraid to get out. There is a difference–a big difference between a refuge and a hole and I’m glad I figured that out.

Break the Silence

Wednesday, July 10th, 2013

No ContactDo you feel that you have been silenced? Do you want to break the silence?

When we let others drown out our voice we are silenced.

When we let others command our attention to the point where we are moved to silence, we lose our voice.

When we give up our voice because we are afraid or it’s not worth the energy it would take to stand up and be heard, we lose our voice.

We might quietly decide that our words have less value than those of a partner who is quicker to speak and louder than we are.

Those who speak quicker and louder do so to keep you silent.

Keeping their mouths open assures that yours stays shut.

Your voice needs to be heard.

Your voice will increase in volume once you allow it to be heard.

If you have been conditioned to be silent you must find the inner strength to overcome this conditioning. Practice daily stating your opinion. Offer your opinion up when you feel it is safe to do so.

Write daily in a diary writing about  how you feel re: issues that come up for you. Get used to looking to yourself for answers instead of believing that you can’t trust your decisions.

Slowly, as you begin to believe in your own value others around you will take notice.

Post a notice to yourself  where you will see it every day–I AM SMART STRONG & COURAGEOUS. I HAVE VALUE & I BELIEVE IN ME.  Incorporate this into your personhood. If it’s not safe to post this memorize and say to your self on a daily basis.

If you are feeling threatened bullied defeated and are giving up your voice for the sake of another please resist the urge to continue on in this manner.

For help please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

1.800. 799. SAFE (7233)

Shine

Wednesday, March 13th, 2013

“Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.” – Marianne Williamson

As It Should Be

Friday, March 1st, 2013

“The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be.” –Anne Frank

The Fear of the Loss of Money

Sunday, December 23rd, 2012

The fear of the loss of money can be quite the handicapping condition.

There are things people do and keep doing in order to have a steady stream of it. I spent years chained to situations that were not right for me because I believed I wouldn’t have money.

I learned that by exploring, researching, studying, being patient, and then bracing myself for the transition, I could break away from these situations.

Traveling through rough transitional waters is part of any journey. It’s not easy and there are challenges but the reward has been the ability to breath easier with a level of peace in my life I had forgotten existed.