Posts Tagged ‘abuse’

Standing in a Sinkhole

Saturday, September 29th, 2018

No ContactIf you’re standing in a sinkhole sticking around long enough to be fully encapsulated shouldn’t be an option. Intimate partner relationships take work but if your voice is not heard how are you going to be heard? If you’re scared what will it take to feel safe?

When circumstances continue to spiral down you know it.

Do you feel there is hope that the situation can change?

Is there pushing, shoving, hitting, biting, tripping, slapping or any other form of physical abuse? Is a relationship partner ignoring disregarding or undermining or doesn’t want to spend time with you? Is there financial deprivation? If you feel your circumstances are situational what will it take to turn things around? If you’re situation hasn’t escalated to the point where there is physical violence do you fear it will get that way in the future?

Be honest with yourself. We usually know deep down when a relationship has potential and when it does not. Are you communicating with your partner letting them know how you feel? Do you feel safe enough to communicate with your partner?

Your first job is to take care of you. Once you crawl out of the sinkhole the pieces your life will begin to fall into place. This can only happen through honest communication with your partner and a willingness by both of you to create change. If that is not possible the other alternatives are to stay with the status quo or remove yourself from the relationship. If you know that communicating your needs isn’t safe you either keep silent and stay or find a way out.

To seek help contact the Domestic Abuse National Hotline:

1-800-799-7233

1-800-787-3224 TTY

The National Sexual Assault Hotline

1-800-656-4673

Trust Yourself First

Sunday, July 9th, 2017

Trust yourself first.

This is often a big struggle if you have been harshly criticized throughout life for decisions you have made. It is definitely best to trust yourself even when you have had it ingrained to doubt yourself. Establishing trust in self takes courage and compassion so cut yourself some slack in your thinking about the decisions you make. Just writing this post has brought to light how much I struggle with this. I find that trusting me is a lot like using my body’s core when exercising. I have to think about it every single time because engaging those muscles doesn’t come naturally.

Engaging trust in self is similar. We’ve got to think about the decisions we’re making and trust that we know what we’re doing.

Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship including the one you have with yourself. When you trust yourself it increases your confidence making it easier to make decisions and reduce your stress.

There are times especially after making a mistake or after someone criticizes you when it can feel like you can’t trust yourself to make any decision because you fear making the wrong one again. Yet the more decisions you make the more confidence you’ll have.

Here are some tips I found to help.

Be Yourself

If you fear what others think about you or that they will judge your decisions negatively you might think you should act like a different person. Other people will often sense this and some will take advantage of you if they can tell you don’t have a strong sense of self. Stick with you–you’re all you’ve got.

Set Attainable Goals

Goals are good. If however the goals are set too high we likely can’t reach them and give up early on. Small goals that inch us toward our main goal will keep us on a more realistic pace.

Be Kind to You

We know how to be kind to others but loving ourselves unconditionally is easier said than done. Keep a close eye on your inner voice. Does it tell you off regularly or is it kind? When you can love yourself unconditionally you can trust yourself unconditionally. Let your inner voice know you won’t do everything perfectly and that’s okay.

Spend Time with Yourself

If you distract yourself with busyness all day you will miss the opportunity to get to know yourself better. It doesn’t take much time to stop take some deep breaths and stay in the moment.

Believe in Yourself

Believe wholeheartedly in yourself even if there are days when it feels like you’re faking the belief.

 

 

No Contact

To Force Forgiveness

Monday, May 1st, 2017

No ContactOne thing I know for sure is that it is impossible to force another person who has caused me hurt and pain to ask for my forgiveness.

Why would I want to do that anyway?

There would be no point to the forgiveness because it wouldn’t be sincere.

Forgiveness is not always timely and doesn’t happen in a straight line. If it happens at all, it often happens out of the blue when the deed done is something we’ve moved past.

If we try to get another person to see their wrongdoing it is completely counterproductive as we can not make anyone see anything. They must see it for themselves.

We are not here to be judge and jury. We live our lives and own our lives by taking responsibility for the things we do and say to others. As long we live like this we can go to bed at night and sleep soundly.

If you have lived with abuse you know what I’m talking about.

There is no way to force an apology.

You can learn to accept yourself and nurture you in the face of abuse. Not by putting up with the abuse but by standing up to the abuse in the safest way you possibly can.

More to Come…

Walking a Tightrope

Wednesday, November 25th, 2015

The relationships we have in our workplace are part of the employment package and relating to our employer and co-workers can be a lot like walking a tightrope. These are relationships we most likely wouldn’t likely have if it weren’t for our job.

Our co-workers may be good at what they do and we may respect that about them but they may also be annoying or manipulative, underhanded, schemers or in some other way nearly impossible to relate to in a normal way.

If we’re too nice we get squashed. If we don’t recognize their achievements we get the cold shoulder. If we don’t go along with their humor we’re made to feel as if we have no sense of humor.

We’re damned if we do and we’re damned if we don’t.

At 3am you don’t want to be restless and wide awake because you are thinking about who is going to say what to you or what you’re going to have to put up with once you walk through that door…

So what do you do to continue working  and still meet your own needs? The best course of action might be to envision yourself walking your own personal tightrope.

Imagine your on that tightrope.

Watch your balance once you first walk through the door. Stay steady until you take that last step out the door at the end of the day.

Each day you get on the tightrope be gentle with your take off and with your last step onto the safety pad once you’re out the door. Be deliberate with the steps you take in between. The last thing you want to do is fall off the rope during the course of the day as falling off is a pain since you’ve got to work your way back up  the rope. Enough falls and you could very well be out of a job

If you’ve maintained your balance you can take a Deep Sigh of Relief.

Do your best to go about your business and show your employer and co-workers the same respect you want them to show you. Maintain a sense of calm so you can sleep at night as your sleep is the best you can give yourself when it comes to dealing with a difficult workplace environment.

Know that you’re not the only one walking the tightrope. Millions do it every day.

Good balance be with you.

Note: Be aware that there is a difference between difficult co-workers and outright abuse. Nip an abusive situation in the bud.

No Contact

Accused of Being a Big Mouth?

Friday, October 4th, 2013

If you are accused of being a big mouth by a person who truly has a big mouth it would seem that the truly big mouthed person is threatened.

There are overbearing people who will accuse a quiet person of having a big mouth when on occasion the quiet person speaks up. The aim is to ensure that the quiet person crawls back into their shell of silence.

Silent as a child.

Silenced as an adult.

You have a choice.

Overcome the silence and speak up.

If you are in fear of breaking your silence please seek assistance.

http://bit.ly/ctZGDH

No Contact

 

 

Reprogram Self Talk

Tuesday, September 17th, 2013

If you believe life will not get better and that you do not have what it takes to move forward successfully in relationships, career, or in any other way it’s time to reprogram your self talk.

Being in destructive relationships includes the one you’re in with yourself. When you have been put down, badgered, belittled, ignored, or physically, emotionally, mentally, or sexually abused, it is easy to believe that you cannot do anything right or are not as good as others.

It is easy to think this way because at some point in your life or maybe throughout life you have listened to others who have told you that you are some how defective or are missing something and because of this will always  fail.

If whatever you believe and/or whatever recording you play over and over in your head is negative that noise can be deafening.  Silence the noise by playing a new recording–one that is positive uplifting and accurate. Memorize this recording and play it loud. Write it out and stick it to a wall where you will see it every day. So for instance, if the recording you play is: I’m a loser and will never ever make it in life; change it to: I am smart and strong and I will have a great life!

Start playing the new recording today. Play it over and over until you believe it. When the old negative recording starts to creep back into your thoughts focus on drowning it out with the new vibrant positive one.

Instead of being your own worst enemy concentrate on being your best friend. Don’t let ghosts from the past and naysayers in the present have power over the way you view yourself!

No Contact

Scarring from Emotional Abuse

Sunday, March 3rd, 2013

Emotional abuse cuts to the core of anyone who has been a recipient. The worst thing a person can do is deny its existence yet it can take a long time to realize you actually are being abused. This abuse is a drain on your emotional mental and physical health. Please read:  http://bit.ly/12nm5fR

If you feel you are dealing with this type of abuse recognizing and then acknowledging it to yourself are huge first steps. Finding a support group online or in your community will help you gain strength as you move forward. Don’t allow another person to silence your voice. The link above gives you information as well as a resource.

What Would You Do?

Saturday, February 9th, 2013

The following link sends you to a blog with a post written by a woman who wants to tell her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend about his abusive behavior.

http://bit.ly/VXcrdH

 

 

Take More Time to Pay Attention in Conversations with Others

Friday, February 8th, 2013

If we take more time to pay attention to our thoughts when in conversations with others we’re less likely to have conversations with abusers and in turn develop relationships with them. If a small voice inside you warns you, listen to the warning.

Resources for Survivors

Monday, January 21st, 2013

Abuse Survivors

Author: Dr Jeanne King PhD

Domestic Violence Help – The 5 Essential Resources for Domestic Abuse Survivors

Domestic violence help comes in all shapes and sizes. There is 
the crisis hot line to get you where you need to go ASAP. Then, 
there are the community domestic abuse support groups that
 assure you that “you are not alone.”

Your domestic violence shelter will give you all the resources 
for your immediate transition from the danger you live to safe 
housing. They may even have a domestic abuse legal advocate that 
will help you with your legal matters.

But what about your psychological care, who will tend to that?
 You can find a counselor or therapist with clinical background 
in domestic violence. Sometimes you may scratch your head 
wondering if you know more about domestic abuse than the 
therapist. Other times, you can hit the jackpot and find the
 professional health care provider that helps you usher yourself 
out of the darkness into the light.

Do you know the help you will want to secure in your quest to 
end domestic abuse? Do you know where you will find each piece
of the puzzle as you transition from being in an abusive
 relationship to reclaiming yourself and your life?

Far too often domestic violence survivors don’t really know what
 they need or where to find it when they need it most. The more 
homework you do up front, the better off you will be in the long run.

The following is intended to help you inventory your needs and
 prioritize your securing help in meeting these needs.

  1. Create an alliance with your local public abuse services for 
all immediate needs and steps to protect yourself from imminent
 danger.
  2. Familiarize yourself with your residential options before you 
jump out of the “nest.”
  3. Compile your personal documents and get your finances in 
order as best as can be done, even though you may not be
 accustomed to finance management.
  4. Secure information and resources to help you obtain any
 protective orders you believe necessary to minimize conflict and 
danger by your abusive partner, especially upon and after your 
departure.
  5. Engage a healthcare provider that is knowledgeable about the
 psychological, social and legal aspects of domestic abuse to 
help your navigate from the chaos to closure.

As in any journey, once you get your ducks in a row and line up 
your resources and soldiers, you will move from point A to point
 B more successfully. Your planning is key to your designing your 
exit and the outcome of your departure.

About the author:

For more information and help in your planning, see domestic
violence resources. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people
 recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse at home and in
court.

Copyright 2009

http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com/ebooks.php