Archive for the ‘Violence’ Category

Strong Arming by Silencing You

Sunday, November 5th, 2017

No ContactIf you are in a relationship with a partner who practices strong arming you are familiar with words that block you from speaking your truth. Having a conversation that confronts or questions is usually met with blocks such as:

We’re not going to talk about this.

OR

I’ve told you I don’t want to talk about this.

OR

Don’t talk to me about this.

OR

If you continue to talk about this or if you don’t stop talking about this–there’s the door.

etc. etc.

You may think you are obligated to keep silent.

You might decide that having your truth heard is not worth the fallout and choose to keep your thoughts to yourself.

However, by silencing your truth you squelch who you are as a human being.

You miss out on being who you are meant to be.

No one has the right to take YOU out of the picture.

No one has the right to tell you what you can and can’t talk about.

No one has the right to tell you that what you have to say means nothing and is better left unsaid.

But every time you allow another person to silence your words you are allowing another person to take away your freedom to be you.

Strong arming is a tactic used by abusers and is used to gain and retain power.

You don’t have to live life being strong armed.

The only person stopping you from breaking the pattern is YOU.

You only have one life. Make it your own.

As always if you are in a situation in which you are not safe seek help.

1-800-799-7233 Domestic Abuse Hotline

Trust

Sunday, July 9th, 2017

Trust yourself first.

If you don’t follow your gut and follow your basic instincts who do you think you should be listening to?

Is there someone out there who knows all the answers to make your life easier to live?

Is there another person you know who knows everything there is to know about you better than you?

And even if there was an all knowing individual out there who you consider to be the supreme know-it-all about you and you did everything they told you to do, would the results be any better than what you create for yourself?

You need to trust yourself first and foremost. Many of us who have been in abusive and otherwise disappointing relationships have had great difficulty trusting ourselves. Many of us learned in childhood that we couldn’t trust our hearts, our thoughts, our instincts, nothing. We were led to believe that we didn’t have any idea what was best for us and so because of this have struggled in adulthood to reverse this self defeating mindset.

If we all trusted ourselves deeply on the inside rather than seeking outward advice and approval there would be less pain and suffering and more joy. When we seek answers from outside ourselves we get into trouble because we lose who we are. We’ve got the answers; we’ve just got to trust that we do!

I have spent years of my life in difficult relationships and in some instances put myself and my family in danger because I refused to listen to my gut. It took me far longer than it ever should have to extricate myself from painful relationships simply because I refused to consistently pay attention to my instincts.

If you have related to others who have led you to believe you can’t trust in you, distance yourself from these people or if that’s not possible, stand up to them by standing up and acknowledging the power within you.

People who tell you you don’t know what you are talking about or that you didn’t see what you saw or didn’t hear what you heard, or don’t know what you know to be true are gas lighting you and that practice is insidious.

People who do this will wear you down so be prepared to consistently resist their attempts to throw you off track. Come back to you and ask yourself if what you heard feels right to you or if it feels off. If it feels off accept that it does, don’t question that! Do question the other person though. Ask them hard questions. Ask them the questions you’re afraid to ask because you don’t want to rock the boat. Ask them the questions that you know you need to ask. Let them know who you are. If you are afraid to ask the hard questions or don’t want to let them know who you really are and what you really want, why in the world would you want to continue on with this person?

As you gain momentum and consistently maintain your power from within, you will find that those others who want you to cast doubt in yourself start distancing themselves from you OR they will straighten up their act. Don’t however, hold your breath as they are not likely to clean up their game to keep you in their life. It’s too easy to find other people who will easily and willingly become their prey.

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Re-victimizing

Thursday, February 2nd, 2017

The following is a list of some of the ways “helping” systems, services, and providers re-victimize women who have experienced emotional, verbal, or physical violence.

  • We don’t believe her
  • We don’t recognize her strengths
  • We fail to realize her manipulative tendencies are survival skills.
  • We fail to realize her efforts to hide the violence are oftentimes her efforts to prevent his violence to her
  • We fail to realize her “dishonesty” to us can be an attempt to keep herself safer.
  • We question why she stayed in the relationship or returns to it.
  • We question her inconsistency and react to her not following through with goals, etc.
  • We fault her parenting
  • We “evaluate” her
  • We only like “good victims” and enlightened victims
  • We hold cultural biases: we are sexist, racist and homophobic
  • We take over her decisions for her life (more…)

The Accommodater

Tuesday, December 8th, 2015

If you’re the accommodater you’re pretty well set on accommodating other people.

When you accommodate you stop being genuine.

If you worry about how another person feels as it relates to every little action you take you create an imbalance of power.

For example, another person may make a comment about what you’re doing or not doing as it relates to them….maybe they want you to stop whatever it is you’re doing and do what they want you to do.

If you are in the middle of an activity you don’t need to make excuses for doing what you’re doing and you don’t need to stop what you’re doing because another person implies that you should.

It is pretty darn liberating to say no.

Yes, is easy. Yes is always easy.

Yes is accommodating, it’s pleasing, it makes everything nice and neat and without conflict.

No is harder, always harder.

No goes against, is different from and is in total conflict with.

When you mean no, say no. If you say yes but you really mean no you’re lying to yourself and the other person.

You’re being genuine when you need to be; you’re honoring your individuality.

Just do it.

You’ll be glad you did.

Note: If you’re in a domestic violence situation please seek help.

http://www.thehotline.org/

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Sitting Ducks

Monday, September 7th, 2015

If you’re a sitting duck you might know it

but you might not.

If you don’t know it hopefully someone else out

there is advocating for you or soon will be.

You’re vulnerable, out in the open, and fairly helpless

in your current position.

Sitting ducks need advocates.

Sitting ducks need to pay attention.

Lack of financial support, food, housing, and a support

network can make you a sitting duck.

Being in relationships with unavailable people can do

it to you also.

Please read:

http://bit.ly/1QkJYd0

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Destructive Construction

Sunday, August 2nd, 2015

We get into destructive relationships with other people places things

because we are looking for something outside ourselves that will make

us feel better about who we are. The construction of our being turns destructive.

We’ll feel better about who we are when we find what we need from within.

As we erect our solid foundation we are better equipped to contribute

to meaningful and rewarding relationships.

Other people add variety fun and emotional fulfillment.

They add spice and flavor.

You don’t need ¬†people places and things who destroy what you’ve ¬†constructed.

If you think you need what someone else has look deeper.

You have all you need.

We’re always going to be a work in progress.

We add onto take away from and fine tune our  state of being on a daily basis.

Keep the basic blueprint; it’s got you this far and won’t fail you.

No Contact

 

 

To Shove

Thursday, May 28th, 2015

If you try to shove yourself down someones throat they will eventually spit you out.

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Can a Leopard Change its Spots?

Wednesday, January 14th, 2015

http://bit.ly/1DEnCQ0

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First Impressions

Saturday, January 10th, 2015

First impressions are rarely accurate.

It’s pretty darn difficult to size a person up in

one or two meetings.

Why do we try to do this when it takes years to

develop our most trusted relationships?

Trust that your impressions of anyone will change

over time.

Those who make the best first impressions are not necessarily

the best at holding that impression intact.

No Contact

 

 

 

Vagina Monologues–It’s Happening in Salem

Friday, April 4th, 2014

The Vagina Monologues is a play written in 1994 by Eve Ensler, playwright and activist. Ensler founded V-Day about four years after she wrote the play. V-Day is a nonprofit that demands violence against girls and women must end.

http://stjr.nl/1ka8MYY

 

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