Archive for the ‘Violence’ Category

Strong Arming by Silencing You

Sunday, November 5th, 2017

No ContactIf you are in a relationship with a partner who practices strong arming you are familiar with words that block you from speaking your truth. Having a conversation that confronts or questions is usually met with blocks such as:

We’re not going to talk about this.

OR

I’ve told you I don’t want to talk about this.

OR

Don’t talk to me about this.

OR

If you continue to talk about this or if you don’t stop talking about this–there’s the door.

etc. etc.

You may think you are obligated to keep silent.

You might decide that having your truth heard is not worth the fallout and choose to keep your thoughts to yourself.

However, by silencing your truth you squelch who you are as a human being.

You miss out on being who you are meant to be.

No one has the right to take YOU out of the picture.

No one has the right to tell you what you can and can’t talk about.

No one has the right to tell you that what you have to say means nothing and is better left unsaid.

But every time you allow another person to silence your words you are allowing another person to take away your freedom to be you.

Strong arming is a tactic used by abusers and is used to gain and retain power.

You don’t have to live life being strong armed.

The only person stopping you from breaking the pattern is YOU.

You only have one life. Make it your own.

As always if you are in a situation in which you are not safe seek help.

1-800-799-7233 Domestic Abuse Hotline

Trust Yourself First

Sunday, July 9th, 2017

Trust yourself first.

This is often a big struggle if you have been harshly criticized throughout life for decisions you have made. It is definitely best to trust yourself even when you have had it ingrained to doubt yourself. Establishing trust in self takes courage and compassion so cut yourself some slack in your thinking about the decisions you make. Just writing this post has brought to light how much I struggle with this. I find that trusting me is a lot like using my body’s core when exercising. I have to think about it every single time because engaging those muscles doesn’t come naturally.

Engaging trust in self is similar. We’ve got to think about the decisions we’re making and trust that we know what we’re doing.

Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship including the one you have with yourself. When you trust yourself it increases your confidence making it easier to make decisions and reduce your stress.

There are times especially after making a mistake or after someone criticizes you when it can feel like you can’t trust yourself to make any decision because you fear making the wrong one again. Yet the more decisions you make the more confidence you’ll have.

Here are some tips I found to help.

Be Yourself

If you fear what others think about you or that they will judge your decisions negatively you might think you should act like a different person. Other people will often sense this and some will take advantage of you if they can tell you don’t have a strong sense of self. Stick with you–you’re all you’ve got.

Set Attainable Goals

Goals are good. If however the goals are set too high we likely can’t reach them and give up early on. Small goals that inch us toward our main goal will keep us on a more realistic pace.

Be Kind to You

We know how to be kind to others but loving ourselves unconditionally is easier said than done. Keep a close eye on your inner voice. Does it tell you off regularly or is it kind? When you can love yourself unconditionally you can trust yourself unconditionally. Let your inner voice know you won’t do everything perfectly and that’s okay.

Spend Time with Yourself

If you distract yourself with busyness all day you will miss the opportunity to get to know yourself better. It doesn’t take much time to stop take some deep breaths and stay in the moment.

Believe in Yourself

Believe wholeheartedly in yourself even if there are days when it feels like you’re faking the belief.

 

 

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Re-victimizing

Thursday, February 2nd, 2017

The following is a list of some of the ways “helping” systems, services, and providers re-victimize women who have experienced emotional, verbal, or physical violence.

  • We don’t believe her
  • We don’t recognize her strengths
  • We fail to realize her manipulative tendencies are survival skills.
  • We fail to realize her efforts to hide the violence are oftentimes her efforts to prevent his violence to her
  • We fail to realize her “dishonesty” to us can be an attempt to keep herself safer.
  • We question why she stayed in the relationship or returns to it.
  • We question her inconsistency and react to her not following through with goals, etc.
  • We fault her parenting
  • We “evaluate” her
  • We only like “good victims” and enlightened victims
  • We hold cultural biases: we are sexist, racist and homophobic
  • We take over her decisions for her life (more…)

The Accommodater

Tuesday, December 8th, 2015

If you’re the accommodater you’re pretty well set on accommodating other people.

When you accommodate you stop being genuine.

If you worry about how another person feels as it relates to every little action you take you create an imbalance of power.

For example, another person may make a comment about what you’re doing or not doing as it relates to them….maybe they want you to stop whatever it is you’re doing and do what they want you to do.

If you are in the middle of an activity you don’t need to make excuses for doing what you’re doing and you don’t need to stop what you’re doing because another person implies that you should.

It is pretty darn liberating to say no.

Yes, is easy. Yes is always easy.

Yes is accommodating, it’s pleasing, it makes everything nice and neat and without conflict.

No is harder, always harder.

No goes against, is different from and is in total conflict with.

When you mean no, say no. If you say yes but you really mean no you’re lying to yourself and the other person.

You’re being genuine when you need to be; you’re honoring your individuality.

Just do it.

You’ll be glad you did.

Note: If you’re in a domestic violence situation please seek help.

http://www.thehotline.org/

No Contact

Sitting Ducks

Monday, September 7th, 2015

If you’re a sitting duck you might know it

but you might not.

If you don’t know it hopefully someone else out

there is advocating for you or soon will be.

You’re vulnerable, out in the open, and fairly helpless

in your current position.

Sitting ducks need advocates.

Sitting ducks need to pay attention.

Lack of financial support, food, housing, and a support

network can make you a sitting duck.

Being in relationships with unavailable people can do

it to you also.

Please read:

http://bit.ly/1QkJYd0

No Contact

 

 

 

 

 

Destructive Construction

Sunday, August 2nd, 2015

We get into destructive relationships with other people places things

because we are looking for something outside ourselves that will make

us feel better about who we are. The construction of our being turns destructive.

We’ll feel better about who we are when we find what we need from within.

As we erect our solid foundation we are better equipped to contribute

to meaningful and rewarding relationships.

Other people add variety fun and emotional fulfillment.

They add spice and flavor.

You don’t need  people places and things who destroy what you’ve  constructed.

If you think you need what someone else has look deeper.

You have all you need.

We’re always going to be a work in progress.

We add onto take away from and fine tune our  state of being on a daily basis.

Keep the basic blueprint; it’s got you this far and won’t fail you.

No Contact

 

 

To Shove

Thursday, May 28th, 2015

If you try to shove yourself down someones throat they will eventually spit you out.

No Contact

 

Can a Leopard Change its Spots?

Wednesday, January 14th, 2015

http://bit.ly/1DEnCQ0

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First Impressions

Saturday, January 10th, 2015

First impressions are rarely accurate.

It’s pretty darn difficult to size a person up in

one or two meetings.

Why do we try to do this when it takes years to

develop our most trusted relationships?

Trust that your impressions of anyone will change

over time.

Those who make the best first impressions are not necessarily

the best at holding that impression intact.

No Contact

 

 

 

Vagina Monologues–It’s Happening in Salem

Friday, April 4th, 2014

The Vagina Monologues is a play written in 1994 by Eve Ensler, playwright and activist. Ensler founded V-Day about four years after she wrote the play. V-Day is a nonprofit that demands violence against girls and women must end.

http://stjr.nl/1ka8MYY

 

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