Archive for the ‘self care’ Category

Standing in a Sinkhole

Saturday, September 29th, 2018

No ContactIf you’re standing in a sinkhole sticking around long enough to be fully encapsulated shouldn’t be an option.

When circumstances continue to spiral down you know it.

The only reason for sticking around is feeling that there is hope.

The problem is, do you really want to be hopeful in a sinkhole situation?

Is there pushing, shoving, hitting, biting, tripping, slapping or any other form of physical abuse? Is a relationship partner ignoring disregarding or undermining or doesn’t want to spend time with you? If you feel your circumstances are situational how much time do you think it will take to turn things around?

Be honest with yourself. We usually know deep down when a relationship has potential and when it does not. Are you communicating with your partner letting them know how you feel? Do you feel safe enough to communicate with your partner?

Your first job is to take care of you. Once you crawl out of the sinkhole the pieces your life will begin to fall into place. This can only happen through honest communication with your partner and a willingness by both of you to create change. If that is not possible removing yourself from the relationship is the alternative. You know if communication is unsafe.

To seek help contact the Domestic Abuse National Hotline:

1-800-799-7233

1-800-787-3224 TTY

The National Sexual Assault Hotline

1-800-656-4673

Giving Enough but Not Too Much

Saturday, September 22nd, 2018

No ContactThere is this delicate balance that is for us empaths, the ultimate quest in life–giving enough but not too much.

How do we do this? On the one hand we want to be caring supportive and available to our loved ones. On the other hand there is a real danger to ourselves when we go over the top.

This was delicately pointed out to me by a dear friend and her words were simple but the effect has stuck with me.

The issue is that my brother is not well and has had a lifelong battle with mental illness. The medications that it takes to control his illness have taken a toll on him. Small tremors in his hands were noticeable around six to eight years ago. Now the small tremors have erupted to the point where he walks with effort strains to speak and often needs to be fed by another person rather than feed himself.

It is gut wrenching to watch and frustrating to know that medications he has taken to alleviate the symptoms of schizophrenia have left the rest of his body weakened and unable to function in the way he would function if he didn’t need to take them.

There are things that can be done to cut back the symptoms he’s having–diet exercise rest etc. But the thing that would help him the most would be to cut back on the psychotropic medication he is taking. Unfortunately, he doesn’t want to do that and there lies the problem. I completely understand why he doesn’t want to–doesn’t sleep as well without the med–but there is very likely another medication he could take to help him sleep better and still cut back on the med that is causing the shaking.

I have been giving of my time and supporting him as much as I can but in some ways doing more than I should simply because I’m trying to save him.

And the truth is…I can’t save him.

So my friend said to me–you need to let go a bit. You can’t make him take his meds the way he needs to or control his illness. All we can do is know that we tried our best and the rest is not up to us.

And the hard pill to swallow is that the rest is not up to us.

The rest is not up to us.

Giving enough but not too much.

Letting go and letting life be as it is.

Knowing that we don’t know what is best for anyone but us and focusing on US.

Where do you know that you could let go and that you should let go?

Who do you have in your life who doesn’t have the same goal for themselves that you have for them?

Do you believe that your way is the best way and that you can strategically save another person?

This is not about beating us up–it’s about us living life; appreciating the others in life and gracefully living onward.

Giving enough but not too much allows others the dignity of living life on their terms.

We Are Righter than We Think

Tuesday, August 21st, 2018

We all spend so much time second guessing ourselves even when there is no real good reason to do so. It would be beneficial to us to understand that we are really and truly righter than we think.

We think we don’t know as much as we wish we did but in fact know more than we ever thought we could.

We think other people have things all figured out when they know absolutely no more than we do about the best way to live.

It’s always easier to look at someone else’s experience and instinctively know what they should be doing but when it comes right down to it if we were in their shoes would we really make a better choice?

No we would not because we are not them and have absolutely no idea what it is like to be them!

Life is a series of conversations decisions and actions.

We can have a conversation make a decision and take an action that may prove not to be in our best interests and based on that one decision decide that we are not good at knowing what is best for us.

That logic is unfair to us.

Each decision we make is a step forward in life.

The decision may cause us to go backward but if it does in the long run it will help us move forward because of the knowledge and wisdom we will gain from having relived something a second or third time.

The trick is to be aware of the road we are traveling on.

To be aware that we’ve been down this road before and examine why we find ourselves back there again.

Awareness is powerful. The more aware we are the more likely we will lean toward a different decision than we have made in the past.

If we blindly end up at the same crossroads yet don’t see that we are there we have a much bigger problem.

Awareness is key.

Reflection is paramount but not so much reflection that we decide we can’t trust ourselves to move forward.

Just enough reflection and then onward and forward. If your gut thinks the journey you are about to embark on is ill advised it will let you know. Again–awareness is key.

Zero into your awareness.

You are righter than you think.

You’ve got yourself to where you are right now, don’t underestimate your ability to move yourself in a direction that will serve you.

No Contact

Strong Arming & Silencing You

Monday, July 30th, 2018

No ContactIf you are in a relationship with a partner who practices strong arming you are familiar with words that block you from speaking your truth. Having a conversation that confronts or questions is usually met with blocks such as:

We’re not going to talk about this.

OR

I’ve told you I don’t want to talk about this.

OR

Don’t talk to me about this.

OR

If you continue to talk about this or if you don’t stop talking about this–there’s the door.

etc. etc.

You may think you are obligated to keep silent.

You might decide that having your truth heard is not worth the fallout and choose to keep your thoughts to yourself.

However, by silencing your truth you squelch who you are as a human being.

You miss out on being who you are meant to be.

No one has the right to take YOU out of the picture.

No one has the right to tell you what you can and can’t talk about.

No one has the right to tell you that what you have to say means nothing and is better left unsaid.

But every time you allow another person to silence your words you are allowing another person to take away your freedom to be you.

Strong arming is a tactic used by abusers and is used to gain and retain power.

You don’t have to live life being strong armed.

The only person stopping you from breaking the pattern is YOU.

You only have one life. Make it your own.

As always if you are in a situation in which you are not safe seek help.

1-800-799-7233 Domestic Abuse Hotline

Biggest Battles

Sunday, July 29th, 2018

No ContactOur biggest battles are the ones we wage with ourselves.

We become frustrated, depressed, sad, and angry because of mistakes we’ve made

or ways in which we feel we’ve said or done the wrong things.

It’s much easier for us to forgive the actions of others or at the very least understand

the reasoning for what was said or done by someone else.

We downplay our accomplishments and wonder why no matter what we do or say it is

never enough.

We MUST celebrate our accomplishments no matter how small WE think they are.

If we don’t acknowledge the steps we take in life we will not see the value of what we do

and neither will anyone else.

Celebrate for yourself.

Acknowledgement is powerful.

We are here a short time and the more we celebrate

the sweeter the journey.

Stand up for yourself always. Wage battle only when necessary.

Be kind–especially kind to you.

Dimming Down

Saturday, July 14th, 2018

No ContactAbout ten years ago I was not feeling real good about the work I was doing. Although the job allowed me to help people I also found it to be heavy–like two tons of brick on my back. I knew that I was going to need to change something because in my very own life I was dimming down. I actually spent time under my desk over the course of the workweek because the weight of the work caused my eyes to close and my body to sink onto the floor underneath my desk to get relief from the heaviness I felt. It would only take about 10 minutes to muster up the determination to go back up to the desk to get the job done but I knew that the life I was living was not exactly energizing.

So I made a change.

Left the job and went into business. Purchased a franchised territory selling window treatments and have been doing this work ever since. Granted this new work I do is without a doubt the hardest I have ever done and there are days when I want to scream—really loud—but I have never once crawled underneath my desk.

Dimming down is not an option in what I do now even though at times and especially when new growing pains emerge that I think to myself–should I or is it possible that I might just want to start dimming down?

I’ve come to the conclusion that dimming down is a way of life. It just is. Because all of us approach life from a different perspective. Some approach life calmly, unassumingly, subtly floating through each day with a very peaceful soothing aura. And those with this approach aren’t necessarily dimming down.
They are likely lighting up–lighting up the path along their journey and people who have the opportunity to know them are blessed to be part of the experience.

There are others who spring through life with boundless energy. They jump over obstacles and overcome setbacks and although discouragement blocks them on occasion they keep moving. These people are not dimming down either. They are lighting up. They are purposeful and admirable. They light paths not only for themselves but encourage others to do the same.

Still others approach life from a very pragmatic perspective. They have ups and they have downs. They jump over hurdles only to find another one. They have some smoothness in their path but they also get blocked by big boulders.They stop and examine the boulders in order to find a way to conquer each one. It’s never about being defeated by the boulder–only about conquering. These people are not dimming down. They are lighting the way for themselves and motivate others who have fallen off their own paths.

So where are you?

Are you dimming down? Living a life that you know is not really right for you and is wearing you out? If that is the case, why are you doing it? What keeps you chained to the weight of the life you are living? Is there some very small change you could make that just might change the path for you? It only needs to be small–not gigantic.

There are circumstances that come up in life–trenches, boulders, ditches, rabbit holes, that keep us immobilized.
Yet even in life battles we still have a choice on the approach we take when it comes to living the way we want to.

We’re either dimming down.

Or lighting up.

No way is right and no way is wrong.

It is always up to you.

Test the Water

Saturday, June 9th, 2018

When we don’t test the water we don’t know where we stand.

I was taught not to disrupt the flow and keep up the status quo.

That was poor advice but it was what I learned to do.

If we don’t test the water we don’t know just how much we can grow.

In all relationships we have a choice.

We can stay with what we know and basically tread water indefinitely.

Or we can present a challenge to self and partner. Raise the bar so to speak.

Ask for what you need and want. You are not asking for too much when you do this.
It is never too much to ask for what you want and to have your needs met–it is a sign of strength.

A true partnership is much stronger than we think. A partnership that goes untested is more fragile than one
that has faced multiple challenges.

A true valued partner provides opportunity for candid and quality conversations. They will tell you what you need
to hear, not what you want to hear. If you never get to the place where the water is tested chances are you will not meet growth
head on. And if you choose not to grow your going in the opposite direction.

No Contact

Whisperer

Saturday, May 26th, 2018

No ContactDo you know a whisperer? I had a conversation not too long ago with a friend who told me she doesn’t like to go into her dentist office even though she thinks the dentist is great because the receptionist staff whispers in the receptionist area.

I shrugged and said they probably need to keep quiet because of patient confidentiality.

She said no, she didn’t think that was it and said she’s observed that after a patient comes into the office to check in and then sits down in the waiting area the reception staff whispers among themselves about the patient.

I got to thinking about this and said you know maybe you should say something to the staff. And she said– she didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.

So here’s the thing:

Call it what you will but there are people who like to talk about other people period. There are some people who are not so subtle about it and do it no matter whether the person is with in earshot or not. They like it and they do it and that’s just the way it is. You can like it or not like it and it really doesn’t make any difference because they don’t care.

But here is the absolutely beautiful thing about gossip because when it comes right down to it when a person whispers–it is often gossip.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else says or doesn’t say.

It doesn’t matter who someone else is or isn’t being.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else does or doesn’t do.

The only thing that you or I or anyone else has any control over is ourselves. We have the amazing opportunity to take care of ourselves and what others do or say or who they are or aren’t has absolutely no bearing on us.

The worry about others is a wasted worry. Staying up at night or waking up at night worrying about what you think someone else is doing or saying or being is not in any way shape or form a matter that should hold you captive.

Others can whisper, shout, or scream and it has nothing to do with us.

Take charge, go out there and be you. You are the only person who can and it is your responsibility to do that. Others will either like it or they won’t and be glad that we all have the freedom to make that choice.

Give to Ourselves First

Friday, May 18th, 2018

No ContactThose of us who keep looking to the outside for our happiness and well being are always going to find disappointment and likely even abuse in our love relationships because there is no living person who can give to us what we must give to ourselves first.

Another person can be supportive of who we are and stand beside us but if we do not stand up for us first why would another person? We will get exactly the type of relationship partner that we are ready to receive and if what we’re ready for is someone who is always looking for someone outside themselves to fill and make them whole we will be a match with that person because we are looking for the same thing.

If we get involved in love relationships too quickly before we truly know the person we are setting up the end of the relationship right from the beginning. Abusers like quick starts as they are not patient people. They want what they want when they want it and they let you know quickly that they are running the show. If you fear confronting this opposition and keep quiet when you should be speaking up you are choosing to maintain the relationship rather than speaking your truth. The difficult conversations are vital to your health and well being.

So ask yourself, who is running the show? You must choose you! In the face of abuse what else are you going to do?

If you want to be in charge of your life and have loving relationships with people who also love themselves you must change the way you view relationships and yourself. There is no other way.

There are resources to help you. Follow this link to a resource where you may just find the help you
need: http://bit.ly/2qBHUd8

As always, you must be safe. If you are living in a destructive relationship do what you can for yourself while still in your current living situation.

Love & Devotion to Self

Saturday, April 14th, 2018

No ContactDevotion to self is pretty easy when things are going well. Being present with love & devotion to self when stressed is something entirely different.

In my line of work I spend most of my time being out in the customer’s home. For the most part I can tell myself I’m going to have a great day and keep that self talk going. I need to do this because sales is a tough job and can get discouraging because there are multiple challenges and rejection to face on a regular basis. I know that’s part of the job and I accept it.

However

There are times when no amount of self talk is going to save me. When I’m hungry and tired and in a customer’s home with another hour or so to go it can be hard to cope.

But the one thing that drives me nuts is when I can’t find a pen!!

I have lots of pens–but due to the hectic nature of the work, pens disappear. This is a problem when it comes to taking measurements and writing up invoices. A few weeks back I couldn’t find a pen so I ended up borrowing one from the customer wrote out the invoice and finished the consult.

As challenges go not having a pen is not a gigantic one yet it can be unnerving in a sales situation because having a pen is important. In the moment my head scolds me telling me how unprofessional it makes me look not to have a pen. On the other hand I tell myself it makes me look human so I step back, take a deep breath and give myself some grace.

So the point to this is:

I really concentrated on not beating myself up over not having a pen but instead with determination found an old zipper pouch and stashed quite a few pens in it. I also ended up getting a better bag–one with more storage compartments.

When things don’t go exactly like you would like them to but you’ve got your heart into what you do, know that it is enough. In fact, you’re likely doing an amazing job at what you do but fail to see how spectacular you really are.

The goal isn’t to be perfect but to be perfectly fine with yourself.

If we don’t challenge ourselves to love us by taking a stand for who we are and what we do in life–deep down we will know it.

Being devoted to self is the key to living life the way we are meant to live it in all aspects of life. Love who you are always. Think thoughts that allow positive forces to step into your consciousness. Really let the positive thoughts rule in your life. Kick the thoughts that don’t serve you to the curb and keep them there. One method I’ve found that works is picking up an imaginary shovel full of dirt and burying pesky negativity from the past. Once it’s buried it’s gone. If it comes back I get the shovel out again.

The biggest challenge we face is loving ourselves. We don’t have to do life perfectly we just need to live life and love ourselves unconditionally.