Archive for the ‘Family’ Category

Give to Ourselves First

Friday, May 18th, 2018

No ContactThose of us who keep looking to the outside for our happiness and well being are always going to find disappointment and likely even abuse in our love relationships because there is no living person who can give to us what we must give to ourselves first.

Another person can be supportive of who we are and stand beside us but if we do not stand up for us first why would another person? We will get exactly the type of relationship partner that we are ready to receive and if what we’re ready for is someone who is always looking for someone outside themselves to fill and make them whole we will be a match with that person because we are looking for the same thing.

If we get involved in love relationships too quickly before we truly know the person we are setting up the end of the relationship right from the beginning. Abusers like quick starts as they are not patient people. They want what they want when they want it and they let you know quickly that they are running the show. If you fear confronting this opposition and keep quiet when you should be speaking up you are choosing to maintain the relationship rather than speaking your truth. The difficult conversations are vital to your health and well being.

So ask yourself, who is running the show? You must choose you! In the face of abuse what else are you going to do?

If you want to be in charge of your life and have loving relationships with people who also love themselves you must change the way you view relationships and yourself. There is no other way.

There are resources to help you. Follow this link to a resource where you may just find the help you
need: http://bit.ly/2qBHUd8

As always, you must be safe. If you are living in a destructive relationship do what you can for yourself while still in your current living situation.

Look Within First

Friday, August 11th, 2017

No ContactWe get into destructive relationships with other people places things

because we are looking for something outside ourselves that will make

us feel better about who we are. The construction of our being turns destructive.

We’ll feel better about who we are when we find what we need from within.

As we erect our solid foundation we are better equipped to contribute

to meaningful and rewarding relationships.

Other people add variety fun and emotional fulfillment.

They add spice and flavor.

You don’t need  people places and things who destroy what you’ve  constructed.

If you think you need what someone else has look deeper.

You have all you need.

We’re always going to be a work in progress.

We add onto take away from and fine tune our  state of being on a daily basis.

Keep the basic blueprint; it’s got you this far and won’t fail you.

No Contact

 

 

The Accommodater

Wednesday, May 17th, 2017

If you’re an accommodater you stop being genuine because it’s more important to keep the peace.

When you accommodate you worry about how another person feels as it relates to every little action you take which creates an imbalance of power.

For example, another person may make a comment about what you’re doing or not doing as it relates to them….maybe they want you to stop whatever it is you’re doing and do what they want you to do.

If you are in the middle of an activity you don’t need to make excuses for doing what you’re doing and you don’t need to stop what you’re doing just because another person implies that you should.

It is pretty darn liberating to say no.

Yes, is easy. Yes is always easy.

When you say yes you accommodate. It’s pleasing, it makes everything nice and neat and without conflict.

No is harder, always harder.

No goes against, is different from and is in conflict with.

When you mean no, say no. If you say yes but you really mean no you’re lying to yourself and the other person.

When you say what you mean you are helping others understand you better. You’re honoring your individuality.

Just do it.

You’ll be glad you did.

Note: If you’re in a domestic violence situation please seek help.

The Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

No Contact

To be Part of Imperfectly Memorable Experiences

Monday, January 30th, 2017

Special events are opportunities to be part of imperfectly memorable experiences.

Laying the ground work with planning and organization sets the stage however the people and the unknowns color the canvass in a way that makes these experiences unforgettable.

Stuff happens–

People don’t show up or show up late.

Some will gripe and complain while others don’t talk or talk very little.

Children may cry or throw tantrums.

There’s too much food or not enough.

Some drink too much and get rowdy.

You’ll do what you have to when things get out of hand.

Look around.

Soak it all in.

Think to yourself, I’m here–this is my life–and I’m happy to be here.

No Contact

 

 

Find Peace Within

Sunday, January 22nd, 2017

There are times when life as we know it seems to crumble all around us. During these times we are searching, fearing, and not really knowing what the right thing to do truly is. Take a deep breath let it out and
Find peace within.

When you feel others don’t understand misunderstand or seem altogether indifferent toward you, remember the value you have and
Find peace within.

If you have a project you know needs to get done but you are too tired or too anxious or you know you don’t have it in you to give it what it needs right now don’t beat yourself up but instead take a break as it will still be around later and
Find peace within.

When you find yourself way too critical of the way you look, your intelligence, your abilities, or in some other way feel inadequate and don’t measure up, give yourself a long strong hug, accept the gifts you bring to the table and
Find peace within.

When you fear the worst will happen no matter what that worst is, avoid panic, seek counsel, take a deep breath, let it out, pull together all the strength you can muster and
Find peace within.

When you are not invited
When you are turned down
When you are left alone
When you are forgotten
Or when you are ignored
Remember that you have a powerful presence deep within yourself. There is great peace within you and you alone create it. No one can take that from you.

Take pride in you as you are special despite whatever circumstances you face and that surround you.

Remember the peace that lies within you.
Blessings to you.
Find peace within you.

It is the most precious gift you can give
to you.

No Contact

The Ladder to Success

Sunday, September 18th, 2016

No ContactIf you climb the ladder to success climbing means exposing yourself to rusty nails and faulty rungs that are crooked and need of repair.

It means sitting down at times when you procrastinate taking one more step.

It may take more than a few attempts to make it to the top.

Is it worth it?

Only you can be the judge of that but this I can say:

Life without a hard fought climb will not be as invigorating, stimulating, or inspirational.

The climb will get you up each morning with more zest and put zip in your life.

Whether your goal is relational, spiritual, or in the business realm you will feel growth that leads you to new endeavors you might not have thought possible.

Cut-Offs

Sunday, February 21st, 2016

This blog was started as it related to the book No Contact: Ending a Destructive Relationship. The relationship which ends is abusive/destructive to the person wanting to eliminate contact or if that is not possible, to restrict contact as much as possible.

Another way contact can end a relationship is as is described in the article written by Esther Kane, MSW, RSW, Registered Clinical Counselor. In this article the author describes the end of a familial relationship through a cut-off. She says people who have gone through this are as bewildered as they are devastated.

Below is a link to the article that was written in 2011 with some thoughts about family who have been cut-off by other family members. According to Kane, it is a pretty common phenomenon especially after the holidays.

http://bit.ly/1mmc9hB

No Contact

Lopsided Power Distribution

Thursday, December 24th, 2015

When you’re in a relationship where the distribution of power is lopsided, the person with little or no power becomes even more powerless by silencing their own voice.

You don’t intentionally stop talking. There is a freeze that happens. This freeze causes you to have great difficulty gathering your thoughts and speaking when in communication with a person whom you see as having more power than you. Remember–they have more power because you have turned your power over to them.

When trying to communicate  with a person who you have given your power to:

Take a breath and gather your thoughts.

Make eye contact.

Say what you need to say; keep it brief.

The more you speak up; the more confident you will become.

People who have the power are not typically good listeners. They will look down, walk away, do something else, but not usually interested in listening to anyone other than themselves.

Don’t chase after them to talk to them. Chasing is like begging–begging for time and attention.

As you speak up and reclaim your power you will decide if it is worth your time to communicate with this person.

You are responsible for your life and the direction it will take.

If you are not safe to have a conversation with the other person and reclaim your power please seek help.

http://www.thehotline.org/

No Contact

 

 

 

 

 

It Started With a Spark…

Wednesday, February 4th, 2015

While traveling home from Washington DC this past week from a work related convention I read an article about Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters that I thought was pretty good food for thought…It Started With a Spark.

http://bit.ly/1xEpNuN

No Contact

Choosers Don’t Want Babysitters

Tuesday, October 7th, 2014

I remember reading an online dating profile awhile back. The man said he was looking for a woman he didn’t have to baby-sit. He said the last woman he dated expected him to plan all their activities and pay for them. His take  was that all she had to do was show up. After reading what he wrote I thought, well, sure I’d want a dating partner who shared in the dating experience but then again I had to wonder what that particular woman’s view of dating this man would be.

Sometimes people we date want to make the plans. They want to pick the activity, place, time etc. They feel comfortable in the role of the planner. It could be that by doing so they don’t run as great a risk of the date being a flop. They are planning something they know they actually want to do. Women who spend time with male date planners might feel as if their suggestions fall on deaf ears. Maybe they think that since he asks them out it’s up to him to provide the itinerary. I can see where in some instances the man may feel as if he’s taking on the role of a babysitter but at the same time it’s easy to see why the woman settles into the role of a child. She wants to spend time with the man and knows it’s important to him to take part in activities he enjoys. Maybe she started out with great ideas and offered up a few suggestions only to have her ideas receive a lukewarm reception or worse yet, dismissed altogether. Maybe she thinks–if I want to keep seeing him I guess I’ll let him call the shots.

So the man gets frustrated and feels he’s being used. He figures there’s another partner out there who will help him out in the dating process so goes searching for another match. The woman he left is bewildered because she thought she was doing what he wanted by letting him make the plans.

Why do we lean toward giving control of our dating experiences to dating partners? Do we settle into this mode out of habit? Do men really want to make the plans or do they just  feel obligated to do so?

We’ve got to recondition the condition of our dating experiences. If we’re choosing who we date then we should also be fully participating when it comes to selecting the things we do on a date. How does another person get to know us if we let them do all the choosing for us? We learn a ton about their interests and level of competency in certain activities but we’ve got interests and competencies too; why not share them? If we feel shut down when offering up suggestions to a particular dating partner do we really want to date them? The dating relationship can only go so far if only one person is the chooser.

No Contact