Archive for the ‘Divorce’ Category

Anxiety Works Overtime

Wednesday, March 28th, 2018

Anxiety is never satisfied. In fact there are times when anxiety really outdoes itself and goes beyond the norm.

If it could it would keep us alert 24/7.

It depresses, alerts, foils, manipulates.

It talks us into something one minute and out of it the next.

It is relentless and we wage lifelong battles with it.

No one escapes but we can learn to lessen it.

So what do we do to tame this savage beast? How do we put it in it’s place so we can live life without succumbing to it’s wishes?

It’s so simple yet extremely difficult to calm anxiety down but
we’ve got to control it.

Control the amount of time it takes over in our lives.

We’ve got to tell it to go away, shut the door, slam the lid, seal it up.

Walk away.

We tell it to shut up and mean it!

There is no one else who can.

At 3am enough is enough.

When we obsess, hold onto a thought, keep a conversation going that needed to end 30 minutes ago we’ve allowed anxiety to take over. Next time you’re in that moment

STOP.

Take a deep breath in through the nose and hold for a count of four then release through your mouth. Your body gives you the signal that you’re okay.

BUT don’t take too many deep breaths in a row or you will hyperventilate which will make your anxiety worse.

You might think–deep breathing won’t get me a new job, solve my relationship problems, pay the bills, or get me out of debt and you’re right, it won’t

BUT

Taking a deep breath every now and then gets oxygen to the brain which in turn allows you to think more clearly. It also slows the heart rate down and makes you feel less anxious even if for a moment.

And if you put together enough of these brief moments whose to say that your body and mind won’t be better able to handle some of the major stressors in your life.

Give yourself a break every thirty minutes or so to take a deep breath. You could set an alarm on your phone, find a visual cue like a clock or make a sign that says BREATHE…to help you. Stick that sign where you can see it!

Whatever you use, make it a practice to take big deep breaths regularly throughout your day. It’s one way to take an active measure to keep anxiety at bay.

No Contact

Give Yourself Reprogramming

Thursday, May 25th, 2017

If you believe life will not get better and that you do not have what it takes to move forward successfully in relationships, career, or in any other way it’s time to give yourself a reprogramming.

Being in destructive relationships includes the one you’re in with yourself. When you have been put down, badgered, belittled, ignored, or physically, emotionally, mentally, or sexually abused, it is easy to believe that you cannot do anything right or are not as good as others.

It is easy to think this way because at some point in your life or maybe throughout life you have listened to others who have told you that you are some how defective or are missing something and because of this will always  fail.

If whatever you believe and/or whatever recording you play over and over in your head is negative that noise can be deafening.  Silence the noise by playing a new recording–one that is positive uplifting and accurate. Memorize this recording and play it loud. Write it out and stick it to a wall where you will see it every day. So for instance, if the recording you play is: I’m a loser and will never ever make it in life; change it to: I am smart and strong and I will have a great life!

Start playing the new recording today. Play it over and over until you believe it. When the old negative recording starts to creep back into your thoughts focus on drowning it out with the new vibrant positive one.

Instead of being your own worst enemy concentrate on being your best friend. Don’t let ghosts from the past and naysayers in the present have power over the way you view yourself!

No Contact

Full Engagement

Tuesday, April 4th, 2017

No ContactFull engagement in your own life is a must.

Your own interests

Your own plans, activities, friends and family.

The best relationship any of us ever has is the one we have with ourselves. If it is when we form a partnership with another person we will add to what we already have rather than take away from what we love in order to accommodate a new partner.

For those of us who are experienced with being in destructive relationships, we tend to let the other person dictate what we do and don’t do, where we go, who we see and don’t see, heck we even let partners decide what we eat!

When it comes right down to it all any of us have is ourselves. Other people will leave us either through divorce, break up, abandonment or death.

You have this great opportunity while living to take care of you. Love others as best you can but remember they are humans just like you. They don’t own you and no human will ever be your higher power.

Engaging in your own life first and foremost will bring you the peace of mind that will allow you to have strong relationships with others.

Cut-Offs

Sunday, February 21st, 2016

This blog was started as it related to the book No Contact: Ending a Destructive Relationship. The relationship which ends is abusive/destructive to the person wanting to eliminate contact or if that is not possible, to restrict contact as much as possible.

Another way contact can end a relationship is as is described in the article written by Esther Kane, MSW, RSW, Registered Clinical Counselor. In this article the author describes the end of a familial relationship through a cut-off. She says people who have gone through this are as bewildered as they are devastated.

Below is a link to the article that was written in 2011 with some thoughts about family who have been cut-off by other family members. According to Kane, it is a pretty common phenomenon especially after the holidays.

http://bit.ly/1mmc9hB

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Alone for the Holidays

Sunday, December 20th, 2015

Alone for the holidays is doable and in some cases a good alternative.Going through a divorce, kids with the ex, no family around, put a positive spin on this opportunity to take care of yourself.

The biggest battle we face this time of year is with the media.
Newspapers, radio, tv, internet…the holidays are pretty hard to miss.

The media works to convince us that alone is downright ridiculous during the holidays and is in no way a desirable alternative.

But that’s not true.

If your situation is one in which it is likely that you will spend time alone you can wallow in pity or pull yourself up by your bootstraps and enjoy the time you have to yourself.

It’s a matter of perspective.

If you’re a TV watcher and don’t want to stop watching, turn down the sound when the Hallmark moments come on.

Those commercials can pluck away at your heartstrings and cause you to feel miserable. Turn them off or silence them.

A great alternative is Netflix or dvd’s.

If possible go out and see the lights. You might think this is counterproductive but it’s actually fun and gets you up and doing something. But if it’s not your cup of tea…

Make a meal, a good one but maybe not the Christmas type. Use your imagination.

Take a trip, nearby or distant.

Take a luxurious bubble bath.

Give yourself a manicure.

Watch non holiday movies or holiday movies that are hilarious such as Christmas Vacation.

I’ve spent holidays alone and made a point of planning ahead as to how I was going to treat myself and looked forward to it.

We have the power to make or break each day we’re given no matter when it is. This time of year is no exception. No Contact

Steps to take When Going Through Divorce

Sunday, August 24th, 2014

There are six traits that will keep the odds in your favor as you go through divorce. Please read:

http://linkd.in/zP9Y5n

No Contact

 

When You Exit a Relationship

Thursday, February 13th, 2014

Even though you leave a partner, when you exit the relationship there is a void to fill and it can take a long while to recover.  Whether the relationship was a healthy or destructive one the feeling of love for this person stays with you.

Over time the sorrow pain anger and frustration of having been in this relationship and having it end will soften. With the right attitude you will move forward with strong insight from having been part of it.

What determines growth is acceptance of the circumstances that led you to leave. You knew and still know that in order to live a healthy happy life you had to leave a person that you truly loved.

The victory is that you loved. Each of us who have been moved by love know that it leaves traces on the heart. Memories of love stay with us and long after the fire burns out marks are left as proof that loved existed. To deny that love existed keeps you in denial. Accepting that love was there helps you move forward.

Many times the end of one love prepares for a new healthier one;  a new door opens that may not have been available to you otherwise.

No Contact

Self Soothing

Thursday, January 2nd, 2014

I used to spend a lot of time crying over men. I didn’t know the first thing about self soothing. I cried when I thought I’d done or said the wrong thing. Or he said or did something I felt wounded by. Or the relationship hit a bump or more than a bump and had fallen into a deep dark hole and was over. With these relationship upsets I did the two things I knew how to do:  become anxious and then cry.

I didn’t know how to calm my emotions without stirring them up into a frenzy first. I wasn’t aware that accepting my life even if it wasn’t what I wanted was healthier for me.

I have a vivid recollection of one of the last times I cried my head off over a man. Back in 2003 I sat in my car at a day park parking lot. The rain was pouring down on the car roof while I sat inside crying my eyes out. It was pathetic and deep down I knew it. I also knew that all the crying was hurting me rather than helping. The only benefit was that after crying in enough different relationship situations I realized I was wasting my time and energy.

I wasn’t a drinker, didn’t take drugs, gamble or have any of the usual addictive behaviors but was addicted nonetheless. I was addicted to suffering over relationships. I got enough out of bawling my head off that on a very basic level it worked. I got to feel self pity and relief when I’d finally cried myself out.  Yet crying isn’t a problem solving tactic in adulthood and it’s certainly not soothing. Whereas it’s a reflex for infants and small children when it comes to adult relationships it is a strong indicator of love addiction.

As adults we’re suppose to know that just because we want something doesn’t mean we’re going to get it or that just because we feel we’re deserving of a certain way of life, we’re going to have it in the here and now.

That’s when self soothing comes in handy.

Ways to Self Soothe

Listen to beautiful and soothing music

Have a special treat or meal. Eat it slowly savoring each bite.

Drink a warm drink like herbal tea.

Take a walk in a pretty area or go to a museum. Buy a flower or bouquet and put it where you’ll see it.

Take a bubble bath or pet your dog or cat. Put on a soft shirt or sink into a comfortable chair or bed.

Take in the smells around you–fry some bacon, bake bread, cookies, a cake. Smell coffee brewing. Light a scented candle.

If you look at relationship loss or single status as being part of your current life circumstances and guard against projecting what you wished you had you’ll be more accepting of your life in the here and now.

No Contact

 

Ethics

Friday, June 21st, 2013

Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.

W. Clement Stone

No Contact

Toxic People

Friday, June 21st, 2013

Toxic people have as much power as you’re willing to give them. It is not worth the toll it takes on you emotionally mentally and/or physically to let their words and/or presence upset you.

It takes courage and discipline to keep your cool and stay focused when you’re around one of them. Be cautious and aware and remember that whatever they say or do is meant to throw you off course. Maintain an even keel and limit the time you need to be around one of these types. You are strong capable; remember that!

No Contact