Archive for the ‘Destructive Relationships’ Category

Defeating the Narcissist

Saturday, December 2nd, 2017

Defeating the narcissist is not hard yet it does require that you do something which might appear foreign to you but is absolutely necessary.

You must anchor into the truth of you.

You must feel into who you are and the knowing of who you are.

You must believe that you know who you are and that no one else on this earth knows this truth better than you do.

You must partner with yourself and believe in what your inner being tells you.

You must believe what your inner being tells you ALWAYS even when you come face to face with someone who tells you that you don’t know who you are and that you don’t know what you want, don’t know what is happening, and don’t know what you’re talking about.

Narcissists will tell you whatever they need to tell you to manifest their agenda. Everything they do and say is a means to that end.

Narcissists will lie when it suits them which is quite often.

Narcissists will lie when there is absolutely no reason to lie. They may tell you they had cereal for breakfast when they really had pancakes. They may tell you they bought a new coat when they didn’t and then when you compliment them on their new coat the next time you see them they say it’s not new and that they never told you they bought a new coat.

Narcissists are unconscious. They don’t face the truth of who they are because their wounding, like all of us who are among the walking wounded, have deep wounds from childhood. We either face these wounds and heal them or we don’t. Narcissists don’t and they won’t.

Our job has human beings is to live consciously in our own truth. When we do this we stop dancing with narcissists. When we face our own truth we have no interest in narcissists and want nothing to do with them.

If you are separated from and must co-parent with a narcissist stand up for the truth of you and for your children. Face the obstacles in your way and calmly and deliberately get your ducks in a row and keep them there. Do your research and document. Document even when you don’t think you need to document because the narcissist will throw you off if you are not one step ahead of them at all times. When you consistently take care of business they will see the change, your children will see the change, and you will feel the change in your mind and in your body. At this point the contact you have with them is only for your children–their health and wellness, scheduling, education.

Narcissists sniff out unconscious co-dependents like heat seeking missiles AND they know when a person is not worth messing with. They know this because people who are grounded in who they are won’t put up with people who play games with the heart, the mind, and the soul. Grounded people know themselves and know exactly what they need to make their lives work. They ask questions of other people that will give them the answers they need. They don’t put up with other people telling them untruths about who they are because they already know who they are. They don’t fall for sweet words that are all fluff and no substance. Remember, narcissists tell people anything they think is necessary in order to get others to do what they want them to do. When you call them on their words and stand tall in your own truth consistently they will back off and slink away.

Defeating the narcissist isn’t the end goal. Defeating the narcissist is a necessary step that must be taken in order to have the space and the freedom to move you forward to your true self.

No Contact

Strong Arming by Silencing You

Sunday, November 5th, 2017

No ContactIf you are in a relationship with a partner who practices strong arming you are familiar with words that block you from speaking your truth. Having a conversation that confronts or questions is usually met with blocks such as:

We’re not going to talk about this.

OR

I’ve told you I don’t want to talk about this.

OR

Don’t talk to me about this.

OR

If you continue to talk about this or if you don’t stop talking about this–there’s the door.

etc. etc.

You may think you are obligated to keep silent.

You might decide that having your truth heard is not worth the fallout and choose to keep your thoughts to yourself.

However, by silencing your truth you squelch who you are as a human being.

You miss out on being who you are meant to be.

No one has the right to take YOU out of the picture.

No one has the right to tell you what you can and can’t talk about.

No one has the right to tell you that what you have to say means nothing and is better left unsaid.

But every time you allow another person to silence your words you are allowing another person to take away your freedom to be you.

Strong arming is a tactic used by abusers and is used to gain and retain power.

You don’t have to live life being strong armed.

The only person stopping you from breaking the pattern is YOU.

You only have one life. Make it your own.

As always if you are in a situation in which you are not safe seek help.

1-800-799-7233 Domestic Abuse Hotline

Overly Grateful

Sunday, October 15th, 2017

Being grateful and appreciative toward others is in general a good way to be. Being overly grateful and communicating just how grateful you truly are is something else and can set you up for abuse.

We hear a lot about gratitude and even journaling about the people and things in life that we feel so grateful to have. Being grateful is something to strive for especially in a society where a strong sense of entitlement is actually becoming more and more common.

The thing is you need to watch just how much gratitude you put out there.

If someone does something special for you and your reaction to this is something like–no one has ever done this for me before or I am so grateful to you for going out of your way to do this for me or you shouldn’t have done this or thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for this kind gesture etc.

Own your gratitude and do show your appreciation but be No Contactmindful of the attention you receive from others. The consideration you give to yourself is as important if not more so than what you receive from another person.

Reprogram Self Talk

Saturday, September 23rd, 2017

It is very easy to allow yourself to believe that life will not get better and that you do not have what it takes to move forward successfully in relationships, career, or in any other way.

Being in destructive relationships includes the one you’re in with yourself. When you have been put down, badgered, belittled, ignored, or physically, emotionally, mentally, or sexually abused, it is easy to believe that you cannot do anything right or are not as good as others.

It is easy to think this way because at some point in your life or maybe throughout life you have listened to others who have told you that you are some how defective or are missing something and because of this will always fail.

If whatever you believe, whatever recording you play over and over in your mind is negative, that noise can be deafening.  Silence the noise by playing a new recording–one that is positive uplifting and accurate. Memorize this recording and play it loud. Write it out and stick it to a wall where you will see it every day.

Start playing the new recording today. Play it over and over until you believe it. When the old negative recording starts to creep back into your thoughts focus on drowning it out with the new vibrant positive one.

Instead of being your own worst enemy concentrate on being your best friend.

No Contact

MomBadge125x125trans2

Anchored In Your Truth

Sunday, September 17th, 2017

When you’re anchored in your truth you feel it.

There’s no need to beg for accountability from others because what someone else does or doesn’t do has nothing to do with you.

When we beg for accountability from another person we’re not anchored in our truth. We are living from the outside in rather than the inside out meaning that we are only okay as long as outside forces are behaving in ways we have grown to expect.

This isn’t to say that we shouldn’t expect others to be accountable for their actions. Yet if our truth and our life being okay hinge solely on what others do and don’t do and who others are or aren’t we’re setting ourselves up for failure.

When we’re anchored in our truth other people can do or say or be who and what they want to be. We will not fall apart because it isn’t what we want them to do or be. We can encourage and if asked, give our opinion but other people get to live their lives without us passing judgement on them.

We don’t need to be around people who do not match who we are–that is always our choice to make.

No ContactMomBadge100x100trans

Rolling Around With Bad People

Sunday, September 3rd, 2017

No ContactWhen you choose to become involved with any new person it’s always your decision to do so.

When you roll around with a person who at first presented as a good person then you discover is really a bad person and yet you continue to stay with this person in hopes they will get better, be nicer, and not hurt you, it is always your decision to do so.

And after you’ve had enough go arounds with this person which could be months years or decades and you decide to leave this person it is again your decision to do so.

Then When this person comes to you begging for forgiveness promising they will change their ways and behave better, be kinder, straighten up their act, stop lying, cheating, and doing other bad things it is your decision to start rolling around with them again or stay away from them for good.

It is not about them.

It is not about anything that they do, say, act upon, manipulate, cause harm to, or destroy.

It is only ever about you and at the beginning, the very beginning, listen to what they say about who they are because they will tell you exactly who they are if you really listen and ask the hard questions.

It is about you listening to your inner voice, the one deep inside you telling you in the very beginning that something is off.

It is about you not second guessing your inner being who knows and loves you and wants only the very best for you. When you second guess you it’s because you let your ego take over and the ego is not the part of you that has the deep sense of who you are.

It must become automatic to listen to your inner being and follow it, learn from it, love it, believe in it and more than anything…trust it because it is on your side. Any new person you meet doesn’t know you and has no history with you. The only way you will get to know any new person is to spend time with them, engage in conversation with them, and ask them the hard questions that you may be hesitate asking but that your gut tells you to ask. They may tell you it’s none of your business or that they don’t want to answer and that is absolutely fine. They don’t have to and you don’t need to spend time with them. No one else on this earth has to answer a single question that you ask but you must ask anyway.

Men especially have a tendency to say that they are not too revealing about who they are and may even tell you that you are pushy.

Be kind to you and others will start showing up in your life who will do the same.

Look Within First

Friday, August 11th, 2017

No ContactWe get into destructive relationships with other people places things

because we are looking for something outside ourselves that will make

us feel better about who we are. The construction of our being turns destructive.

We’ll feel better about who we are when we find what we need from within.

As we erect our solid foundation we are better equipped to contribute

to meaningful and rewarding relationships.

Other people add variety fun and emotional fulfillment.

They add spice and flavor.

You don’t need  people places and things who destroy what you’ve  constructed.

If you think you need what someone else has look deeper.

You have all you need.

We’re always going to be a work in progress.

We add onto take away from and fine tune our  state of being on a daily basis.

Keep the basic blueprint; it’s got you this far and won’t fail you.

No Contact

 

 

Alternate Reality Living

Saturday, July 29th, 2017

When experiencing alternate reality living you most likely already know something feels off.

You may be trying to make someone else’s reality your own but if you have to try that hard it is unnerving, exhausting, and puts you smack dab in the middle of the wrong place.

Alternate realities come from being enmeshed and lost when in a relationship. We do this because we don’t have a clear view of the way our own reality should look or we are not committed to ourselves as the source for our life.

You have the ability to create your own reality which will in turn match you with others who are clear and confident in who they are and what their reality is. A person who is clear and confident in their own life will have the same expectation of you.

Say that you are with a heavy drinker but that’s not you? You are in a reality that is not a match for you.

Have you experienced a controller who calls all the shots and you find it’s just easier to keep the peace and go along with what they want rather than speak up and express your true wants desires and needs? This is another way we get sucked into the wrong reality…one that is not comfortable or compatible with who we are.

You have choices in either of the above situations but it will require that you speak up and say what it is you want. If you fear speaking up you already have your answer. You’re selling out so that you can continue to stay in a relationship that is not right for you.

Staying in relationships that cause stress and/or heartache are toxic for you and if you continue to stay it will effect you in more and more unhealthy ways as time goes on.

This kind of reality restricts your life. You must conform to the circumstances and learn to live with a heavy weight in your body and soul or do what is necessary to change the circumstances by standing up to your partner and telling them what you need and want and then taking action.

You have the tools to live a wonderful life with people in your life who are a match for you but you have to believe this to be true.
No Contact

The Pretenders

Monday, July 17th, 2017

No ContactBeing a pretender is not who any of us want to be or set out with the intention to be yet sometimes we become one because we’re too afraid to face the consequences if we’re not.

I know what it’s like to be a pretender; I spent way too many years of my childhood and much of my adulthood being one. I like others didn’t want to be this way but became this way because to live fully and honestly in my own truth would have meant abuse or near certain abandonment.

As a child there isn’t a lot of choice unless there is a supportive person to listen and help. Otherwise kids will stumble through their growing up years and then figure out a way to make their way into adulthood. It is no easy road and is often filled with depression and despair.

As adults when in relationships, pretenders are very good at keeping the peace because they look the other way when faced with a situation which should call for confrontation. For a pretender, looking the other way when faced with abusive, amoral, unethical, or untruthful behavior is par for the course. Deep down they always know they have two choices. One, they can accept their partner’s behavior as is or two, they can stand up to their partner and tell them what they know to be the truth, how this makes them feel, and what their next action is going to be.

For a true pretender, the thought of confronting their partner is more than they want to deal with or are too afraid to for their health and safety and possibly that of their children. They also likely have an overwhelming fear of abandonment which makes leaving even an abusive situation terrifying. In any case, they have conditioned themselves to look the other way or throw a deaf ear to anything they know deep down is not right.

This is a big problem for the pretender because in the beginning of the relationship they believe their partner is the real deal–that this person is wholesome and honest, kind and considerate. It is only after enough time has gone by that the facade begins to slip and the relationship partner presents to be exactly who they really are. This is devastating because by this time they’re too far into the relationship and have developed a defining bond with and truly love their partner.

One thing I know to be true: None of us are going to pretend our way into a better life; it’s just not going to happen.

What we can do is: Stop participating and start showing up for ourselves. None of us are meant to just survive life and our relationships. We are truly meant to thrive.

If you or a loved one are in a destructive relationship please seek help. Domestic Abuse Hotline:
1-800-799-7233.

Trust

Sunday, July 9th, 2017

Trust yourself first.

If you don’t follow your gut and follow your basic instincts who do you think you should be listening to?

Is there someone out there who knows all the answers to make your life easier to live?

Is there another person you know who knows everything there is to know about you better than you?

And even if there was an all knowing individual out there who you consider to be the supreme know-it-all about you and you did everything they told you to do, would the results be any better than what you create for yourself?

You need to trust yourself first and foremost. Many of us who have been in abusive and otherwise disappointing relationships have had great difficulty trusting ourselves. Many of us learned in childhood that we couldn’t trust our hearts, our thoughts, our instincts, nothing. We were led to believe that we didn’t have any idea what was best for us and so because of this have struggled in adulthood to reverse this self defeating mindset.

If we all trusted ourselves deeply on the inside rather than seeking outward advice and approval there would be less pain and suffering and more joy. When we seek answers from outside ourselves we get into trouble because we lose who we are. We’ve got the answers; we’ve just got to trust that we do!

I have spent years of my life in difficult relationships and in some instances put myself and my family in danger because I refused to listen to my gut. It took me far longer than it ever should have to extricate myself from painful relationships simply because I refused to consistently pay attention to my instincts.

If you have related to others who have led you to believe you can’t trust in you, distance yourself from these people or if that’s not possible, stand up to them by standing up and acknowledging the power within you.

People who tell you you don’t know what you are talking about or that you didn’t see what you saw or didn’t hear what you heard, or don’t know what you know to be true are gas lighting you and that practice is insidious.

People who do this will wear you down so be prepared to consistently resist their attempts to throw you off track. Come back to you and ask yourself if what you heard feels right to you or if it feels off. If it feels off accept that it does, don’t question that! Do question the other person though. Ask them hard questions. Ask them the questions you’re afraid to ask because you don’t want to rock the boat. Ask them the questions that you know you need to ask. Let them know who you are. If you are afraid to ask the hard questions or don’t want to let them know who you really are and what you really want, why in the world would you want to continue on with this person?

As you gain momentum and consistently maintain your power from within, you will find that those others who want you to cast doubt in yourself start distancing themselves from you OR they will straighten up their act. Don’t however, hold your breath as they are not likely to clean up their game to keep you in their life. It’s too easy to find other people who will easily and willingly become their prey.

No Contact