The Pretenders

No ContactBeing a pretender is not who any of us want to be or set out with the intention to be yet sometimes we become one because we’re too afraid to face the consequences if we’re not.

I know what it’s like to be a pretender; I spent way too many years of my childhood and much of my adulthood being one. I like others didn’t want to be this way but became this way because to live fully and honestly in my own truth would have meant abuse or near certain abandonment.

As a child there isn’t a lot of choice unless there is a supportive person to listen and help. Otherwise kids will stumble through their growing up years and then figure out a way to make their way into adulthood. It is no easy road and is often filled with depression and despair.

As adults when in relationships, pretenders are very good at keeping the peace because they look the other way when faced with a situation which should call for confrontation. For a pretender, looking the other way when faced with abusive, amoral, unethical, or untruthful behavior is par for the course. Deep down they always know they have two choices. One, they can accept their partner’s behavior as is or two, they can stand up to their partner and tell them what they know to be the truth, how this makes them feel, and what their next action is going to be.

For a true pretender, the thought of confronting their partner is more than they want to deal with or are too afraid to for their health and safety and possibly that of their children. They also likely have an overwhelming fear of abandonment which makes leaving even an abusive situation terrifying. In any case, they have conditioned themselves to look the other way or throw a deaf ear to anything they know deep down is not right.

This is a big problem for the pretender because in the beginning of the relationship they believe their partner is the real deal–that this person is wholesome and honest, kind and considerate. It is only after enough time has gone by that the facade begins to slip and the relationship partner presents to be exactly who they really are. This is devastating because by this time they’re too far into the relationship and have developed a defining bond with and truly love their partner.

One thing I know to be true: None of us are going to pretend our way into a better life; it’s just not going to happen.

What we can do is: Stop participating and start showing up for ourselves. None of us are meant to just survive life and our relationships. We are truly meant to thrive.

If you or a loved one are in a destructive relationship please seek help. Domestic Abuse Hotline:
1-800-799-7233.

Trust

Trust yourself first.

If you don’t follow your gut and follow your basic instincts who do you think you should be listening to?

Is there someone out there who knows all the answers to make your life easier to live?

Is there another person you know who knows everything there is to know about you better than you?

And even if there was an all knowing individual out there who you consider to be the supreme know-it-all about you and you did everything they told you to do, would the results be any better than what you create for yourself?

You need to trust yourself first and foremost. Many of us who have been in abusive and otherwise disappointing relationships have had great difficulty trusting ourselves. Many of us learned in childhood that we couldn’t trust our hearts, our thoughts, our instincts, nothing. We were led to believe that we didn’t have any idea what was best for us and so because of this have struggled in adulthood to reverse this self defeating mindset.

If we all trusted ourselves deeply on the inside rather than seeking outward advice and approval there would be less pain and suffering and more joy. When we seek answers from outside ourselves we get into trouble because we lose who we are. We’ve got the answers; we’ve just got to trust that we do!

I have spent years of my life in difficult relationships and in some instances put myself and my family in danger because I refused to listen to my gut. It took me far longer than it ever should have to extricate myself from painful relationships simply because I refused to consistently pay attention to my instincts.

If you have related to others who have led you to believe you can’t trust in you, distance yourself from these people or if that’s not possible, stand up to them by standing up and acknowledging the power within you.

People who tell you you don’t know what you are talking about or that you didn’t see what you saw or didn’t hear what you heard, or don’t know what you know to be true are gas lighting you and that practice is insidious.

People who do this will wear you down so be prepared to consistently resist their attempts to throw you off track. Come back to you and ask yourself if what you heard feels right to you or if it feels off. If it feels off accept that it does, don’t question that! Do question the other person though. Ask them hard questions. Ask them the questions you’re afraid to ask because you don’t want to rock the boat. Ask them the questions that you know you need to ask. Let them know who you are. If you are afraid to ask the hard questions or don’t want to let them know who you really are and what you really want, why in the world would you want to continue on with this person?

As you gain momentum and consistently maintain your power from within, you will find that those others who want you to cast doubt in yourself start distancing themselves from you OR they will straighten up their act. Don’t however, hold your breath as they are not likely to clean up their game to keep you in their life. It’s too easy to find other people who will easily and willingly become their prey.

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Start with You

Start with you.

There is absolutely nowhere else for your life to start. It all starts inside.You are the only one that can change what is going on.

If you think for one minute that your peace, happiness, security, sense of self, and esteem come from outside yourself, it will not happen.

Other people are not put on earth to bolster, boost, or provide you security. Only you can do that for yourself.

No one else can make things better and even if they could how would that create a better life for you?

You are not a clinging vine hanging on for dear life. Your roots are deep within and need to be nurtured for you to grow and branch out.

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At the Last Minute

At the last minute is too late to do anything that you might have done with more time.

At the last minute take a deep breath and slow down.

It’s too late for major revisions and better to let go and know you’ve done what you were able to do with the time you allowed yourself.

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When Anxiety Hits

When anxiety hits it feels like there is nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.

You need to run and release what’s inside but you have absolutely no idea where to go and how to do it.

If you have a nearby open space you could run and scream the feelings out but that’s not an option for most of us. Breathing through the deep feelings of despair can sometimes help.

Deep anxiety can be agonizing. A loss will trigger anxiety like nothing else can.

Whether it be a loss of a love relationship through separation, divorce, death, the loss of a parent or child, the loss of another dear family member, friend, beloved pet, the loss of a job, or a home, or the loss of health, the loss can be overwhelming.If you manage it with medication–and you may very well feel the need to at first–the pain will eventually come back because substances can only deaden the pain of loss for so long.

If the anxiety is severe find a way to relief quickly before your emotions mow you down.

Seek medical advice immediately if in crisis.

Breathe in and out slowly.

Talk to someone you know and trust.

Walk or run it out.

Talk to yourself, kindly.

Seek counsel as soon as possible.

Take care of you first and foremost.

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High Anxiety

High anxiety kills relationships.

High anxiety can kill you.

Every day you live in high anxiety is

One less day you fully live.

You render yourself extinct with fear.

Limit your anxiety with any method that works for you.

An anxiety reliever that comes from the actions you take

Rather than from what you ingest is worth its weight in gold.

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Second Guessing the Gut

Second guessing the gut is a dicey proposition.

Your instincts are all you really have to direct you toward making strong decisions that benefit you and keep you safe.

The conscious mind is not very good at helping us decide what is best for us where the subconscious mind goes deeper.

When we get the feeling that something just doesn’t add up–that’s our subconscious talking to us. A stab in the gut or a warm suffocating feeling in one part of the body is our inner being talking to us and we really have got to pay attention to that.

When you ignore the small voice inside you more often than not it will eventually start screaming at you. The sooner you start paying attention to it the sooner you’re inner self settles down and breathes a sigh of relief.

Your instincts tell you all you need to know you just need trust.No Contact

Edge of a Cliff

When standing at the edge of any cliff you always have choices.       No Contact

You can choose to stare at what’s below.

You can imagine the fall.

You can simply take the plunge.

On the other hand…

You can take a quick glance at what lies below and forget it.

Your future does not lie at the bottom.

Look around…

Your future lies in the solid ground beneath your feet and the

path that takes you away from any cliff you may encounter.

 

 

Deep Water

Jumping into deep water when you’re fairly uncertain is not the best course of action to take but…

if you’re in the wading pool too long you run the risk of never getting out.

Head for the area where you can look over your shoulder and see the wading pool but not so far away that you’re unprepared and leave yourself open to drowning in the deepest part.

As you gain momentum and experience you will be able to navigate through to deeper water.

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An Arrow in Your Heart

No ContactIf someone comes along and shoots an arrow in your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart. Pema Chodron

The attention we need lies within ourselves. The attention we often give is to those others and situations outside ourselves.

We can never ever do anything to heal another person–that’s their job as it should be. We can only heal what is inside us, that’s our job and our right.